I sit here, waiting for you to come. Endless days pass - I've lost count.
But you never come.
You promised, swore against your life, said you'd never forget me. You broke that promise, didn't you? You've forgotten me, all memories containing me erased from your mind.
Yet still I wait. I stand, sit, pace this cold jail cell, twisting my fingers, gazing at the clock. The hands move, but not in unison with time. The clock sprints ahead, whilst the day drags behind.
I'm going crazy.
But I still wait for you, praying you'll come, knowing you won't.
Hi Crazystar,
ReplyDeleteYour drabble has a kind of ominous feel to it, there are lots of negative connotations to the works you've chosen, 'cold', 'twisted', 'erased'. It adds a creepy atmosphere, and I especially like the sentence 'the hands move, but not in unison with time' - what a great image!
Unfortunately, I can't seem to get a handle on what is going on. Maybe the first person narrative is a little oblique, I would like some hints as to what the situation is. Where is the narrator waiting? Is the jail a metaphor? Who is s/he waiting for and why? You don't give anything away, and it is a little frustrating that it's so introverted. To mix it up a bit, you could use some metaphors, similes, or personify the weather or surroundings that the narrator is in. You could show us a memory of the person that she is craving to meet again. With such a small word limit, you've got to make every word count, and every sentence should be necessary. You shouldn't need to tell the readers 'I'm going crazy', you should show us, either with imagery, or by the dialect of the narration.
I hope you have enjoyed being part of Word Voodoo 2009, and I look forward to reading your work in 2010!
Frances
Crazystar, hi again, and well done. This is another good piece, with some lovely twists of writing in it – I particularly liked “swore against your life”, which avoids the obvious phrasing (“swear on your life”) and the clock’s hands moving, “but not in unison with time”). “Twisting my fingers”, too, is a good touch.
ReplyDeleteI’m intrigued, also, by the “cold jail cell” – is this a factual description of where the person is, or a metaphor? i.e. is this a story about justice, or about love? I assumed the latter, but there’s nothing to suggest that the jail cell isn’t real. In the end, it works either way, you’ve left it up to the reader to decide, which is a fair decision.
One sentence that doesn’t ring quite so true for me is “You've forgotten me, all memories containing me erased from your mind.” The first half is fine – it goes nicely after “You’ve forgotten me, haven’t you?”, but “all memories… erased from your mind” seems too precise, as if it’s something the narrator knows absolutely to be true, when in fact they can’t know why the other person hasn’t come back. After all there might be a million forgivable, awful or tragic reasons why they haven’t come.
Finally, although the writing is tight and powerful and convincing, I think you fall short a little on two of the task requirements: the sense of tension (nothing really changes between the beginning and the end – it’s a description of a state of mind, rather than a story), and avoidance of cliché (“endless days pass”, “cold jail cell”, “praying you’ll come” – none of these seem wrong, but all seem rather obvious).
So, a good solid piece of writing, but just missing that something that will shock or surprise…
just a quick post to say i haven't forgotten to comment - things have been a bit hectic in my family, but i'll be here in the next couple of days. i'm really sorry!
ReplyDelete