Jack The Jackass

(Jacks mother, Jane, is talking to a good friend of hers, Martha, about Jack's recent antics with a cow and a couple of magic beans...)

Jane: I mean can you believe it?! Magic Beans for my precious cow!

Martha: Yeah, and we all know how much you loved that cow...

Jane: Arghh. I just don't even know what to say, it's not even the bloody magic beans that gets me, it's the sheer stupidity, you know? Look at them.

(Jane walks over to her table to pick up the magic beans. As she does so, she shoots Jack a look that says 'You Idiot'.)

Martha: Ohhh so that's them then? The beans that you gave a COW away for? Now I know what you mean Jane I mean only a fool would do such a thing.

Jane: You see? It's unbelievable, you know what, I don't even know why I still HAVE these stupid beans in my house!

(Jane throws the beans out of her window, vigorously. Looking out the window, she peers up at the clouds in the sky, which are completely grey.)

Jane: Martha, is it supposed to rain today?

Martha: Yes, well according to GMTV it is. Why?

Jane: (Walking over to sit down) Oh, just asking because the sky is ever so grey.

(Just as she says this, it starts to rain.)

Martha: Wow. So GMTV were right then.

(The rain waters the magic beans, and they all look in awe out of the window as they watch a huge beanstalk grow up to the clouds)

Jack: See! That's the beans! I knew they were special!

Jane and Martha: Your not such a jackass after all then.

(After another horrific nights sleep the princess goes to complain to her prince)

Princess: Oh, I do wish your mother would stop sticking peas underneath my matress, How many times do i have to tell her? I am a princess!
Prince: Oh, I am sorry love, but the way you was eating at dinner yesterday, I'm not suprised she doesn't think you're a princess.
Princess: Excuse me, I did not just hear you talking to me like that, I eat how I want to eat and if your stuck up mother has a problem with that then thats her problem.
Prince : My mummy is not stuck up, she is a perfect human being, and she is just doing the best for me. If you have a problem, well then I have a problem with you.(Tries to act angry)
Princess: Oh shut up you little mummys boy, ever since I got here she doesn't believe a word I've said, and all she ever does is praise you and give you all the attention I mean, gosh!
Prince: So what, just because you're not getting all the attention doesn't mean I shouldn't! (starting to cry)
Princess: You killed her dog and yet she still gave you a big hug.
Prince: That was an accident. (Crying lots) Bruce was too small I couldn't see him.
Princess: He was as big as your horse.
(The prince starts to cry even more.)
Princess: Oh come here you great big fairy, calm down come on. (gives the prince a hug)
Prince: I didn't mean for, for bruce to die.
Princess: I know, I know don't worry, everythings going to be ok.
Prince: Promise
Princess: Promise, As long as she stops sticking pea's underneath my matress.
Prince: Ok.

A Strange Reunion

(Hook recognises Sir Croc at the boat yard and both of them are staring into each others eyes with discontent; Mountainous Tension is suffocating the 2 with Fear and Fury in Mind, from the heavy yet humid tension, Hook speaks)

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrr Ww-w-w….Ww-w-wee…W-we-ell Croc, it seems we meet again.

Sir Croc: (Sir Croc snaps his jaws) So it seems……..HOOK.

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrr don’t be tryin’ to scare me with those marshmallow toothpicks you call teeth.

Hook: I be not scared of those pussycat gnashes

Sir Croc: That’s not what you said last year, as I recall , I remember that you weren’t “scared” of anything….. EXCEPT of course when you encountered ME.

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhh! Then Ye recall wrong, and what sort of pirate speak are ye speaking?! I Speak like a real man instead of ye posh talk.

Sir Croc: This is called modern day language my dear Hook, you see one thing that you don’t know about me is that during my year away from “Neverland” I attended Oxford
University and just so happened to learn a very posh, pure and perfect accent whilst also learning to use precise words to express my every deep and emotional feeling, instead of my usual Neanderthal like behaviour.

Hook: What be this “OXFORD” place, I don’t understand half the gibberish floatin’ out ye gob.

Sir Croc: You see my dear Hook, unlike you I have used my time well and learnt many new and fulfilling things, whereas you seem to have procrastinated the whole year on your garbage float, I have nothing more to say to you my dear Hook, except that... GET A LIFE!

Hook: Ay? What be Pro-Pro-Procras-Tin-Ating?

Sir Croc: See what I mean?

Hook: Enough talk ungallant fellow, talk wastes time, time’s for Rampaging and rummaging! En Guard!!!!

Sir Croc: Dear oh Dear, Have you not understand a single noun coming out of my mouth?
(Shakes his head in disappointment)

Hook: EN GUARD!

a royal tale

(Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth sit. Divided. By a thick layer of stiff suspense and untarnished egos, suddenly Phillip speaks)

Phillip: Well it wasn’t my fault your corgis’ tried to attack Mr. Mugabe. Is it?

Elizabeth: Look Phil. I’d rather not go there OK?

Phil: well, I’m just making sure I don’t have half of Zimbabwe chasing me every time I want a pint of milk. My running days are far from present.

Elizabeth: And your walking days will be too if you don’t behave!

Phillip: I’m sorry dear, just think though. How ironic. In a country where inflation is touching one hundred and fifty thousand percent, your corgis start the rebellion!

Elizabeth: They even had Annes’ Terriers begging for mercy.

Phillip: Well they take after there owner then don’t they?

Elizabeth: Why you cheeky little b…

Phillip: Now now, Liz! That sort of language is better left for those half-wits in Baku or something.

Elizabeth: Baku?

Phillip: why yes, have you not heard of the place?

Elizabeth: Phil, you have took your medication haven’t you?

Phillip: yes and for your information Baku is the capital of Azerbaijan. Are you listening dear? Dear?

Elizabeth: Poor Robert…

The kiss of life

Prince Charming: Well this is it. (Kisses sleeping beauty. She smiles, opens her eyes and looks at Prince Charming with disgust)
Sleeping beauty: Ergh! Yuk, what you do that for?
Prince Charming: I woke you up from your sleep.
Sleeping Beauty: I didn’t want to be woken up. (Looks annoyed) Who are you anyway?
Prince Charming: I’m Prince Charming
SB: (snorts) Prince charming, are you eh?
PC: Are you mocking me?
SB: Are you mocking- your gonna cry aint ya.
PC: No. (Sniff sniff)
SB: You big girl’s blouse.
PC: No I’m not.
SB: Yes you are.
PC: No I’m not.
SB: Yes you are!!
PC: I’m not!!
SB: Oh just shut your cake hole will ya and stop whining like a big baby. Where your backbone- actually on second thoughts don’t answer that.
PC: You’re not how I expected you to be
SB: Expect the unexpected. (Starts to laugh)
PC: I can see that. (Talks quietly, looking down at his feet)
SB: Well what did you expect? A sweet lady-like princess that will be swept off her feet after seeing you the great Prince Charming, that is your name right?
PC: Yes, Prince Charming
SB: Well? Is that what you expected?
PC: Well yes indeed I did.
SB: Well you got a bit of a shock then, haven’t ya?
PC: Yes I have indeed.
SB: God you’re so posh. What’s wrong wi ya? .Loosen up a bit. (Waves her arms and legs wildly)
PC: (Looks shocked at the Princess’ behaviour) Well it was the way I was brought up you see –
SB: Spare me the sob story.
PC: Sorry.
SB: (Mimics his accent) One doesn’t want to hear your stupid babyish story alright.
PC: (Sniff) why are you so mean?
SB: (mimics the prince) Why are you so mean? Oh, piss off .I’m kinda tired. You disturbed a really good dream you know. I was on stage and Pete Doherty kissed me .Like propa full on kiss and then you, you snotty little weed had to come a spoil it!
PC: I’m sorry. (Begins to well up again)
SB: Sorry? Like that is really gonna bring my dream back is it? By saying sorry .Do one will ya? I’m tired I haven’t been up for this long in 100 years.
PC: You want me to leave? (Looks taken aback)
SB: Well duh!
PC: Oh, I guess one mustn’t outstay their welcome.
SB: No, one must not.
PC: Oh ok.
SB: Hmm.
PC: Yes.
SB: Well go then!
PC: What you really mean it. (Looks horrified)
SB: Yeah!!
PC: (Sniff) Oh Ok. Well I bid you good day madam.
SB: Just go, your wasting my time, time that could be spent catching up on beauty sleep. You should try it sometimes.( Looks him up and down and raises her eyebrows)
PC: (Looks at his feet) Good bye fair lady.
SB: ZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!
PC: I really thought she was the one. (Sighs and makes his way home).

Task 23

(Two dwarfs were sitting CALMLY, on there little dwarf stools in there dwarf cottage, only they were screaming, and breaking plates on each others head.)

Screamy: (Screaming) Oh my bloody... Gosh (Hitting another plate on Shouty's head)
Shouty: Owch!! Bloody hell that hurt! (smashes another one on Screamy's head)
Screamy: How could you let the Prince out of your Sight! (Smashes two plates on Shouty's head)
Shouty: He walked away. His legs were longer than mine-God damn it ( Through's a plate like a Frisbee but misses...)
Screamy: He can't of just walked away Snow White needs him she's still knocked out!
Shouty: It wasn't my fault! (Frisbee's another plate and hits Screamy in the stomach.)
Screamy: F*** ! (Clutches his stomach. Jumps on a chair and and jumps smashing a plate on Shouty's head. Now there are no more plates so they use fists.)
Shouty: He walked away there was nothing I could do!
Screamy:Snowy is still in F****** Consumption.
Shouty: Then she should have learned rule number 1: Don't take Apples from Strangers
Screamy: She thought she was doing a good deed
Shouty: And in rule number 1: It also says don't Bloody take a red ones as well - that's bloody dangerous!

(After about 5 minuets the dwarfs are tired out and sit down with a glass of water each. And are still screaming at each other.)

Screamy: This was your fault!
Shouty:No it wasn't! (Kicks Screamy under the table. Screamy looses it...)
Screamy:RARRRGH!!! ( Climbs on a table and starts smacking Shouty in the face while screaming)

(After 2 minuets the fight has ended and somehow both dwarfs had managed to tie them self up with a meter of string)

Cinderella and Prince Charming

[Prince Charming and Cinderella talking on the phone]

Charming: Why did you bugger off yesterday?
Cindy: You know exactly why I buggered off yesterday.
Charming: Honest, I don't have a clue.
Cindy: I think you have something to tell me. I think you have to tell me your secret.
Charming: Babe, if this secret is so bloody bad that it's caused this hissy fit, why don't you enlighten me?
Cindy: I saw you didn't I. [pause] trying on my glass slipper, posing in the mirror.
Charming: aaahh...
Cindy: You had just put that slipper on me, you had just told me you would spend the rest of your life with me, I told you I would spend the rest of my life with you.
Charming: I still do.
Cindy: I'm gonna bloody have to. Can you imagine if my bloody stepsisters found out I had turned you, I wouldn't hear the last of it.
Charming: I was just curious babe, I'm not...that way, I thought I proved that to you the night of the ball, in the cloakroom.
Cindy: I guess, but if I ever catch you acting like a bleeding homo again I swear I will go into exile...
Charming: Alright. So, do you fancy coming to meet your tranny boyfriend down at the pub, I'll get a couple of daiquiris ready. Oh, and make sure you wear that darling blouse, it's fabulous.
Cindy:[chuckles] Cheeky Sod.