He's running, his muscles aching, beads of sweat running down his face until they meet and form with the liquid running from his eyes, molding a perfect tear. He keeps on running, through the woods, through the main roads, through the park- He cannot risk stopping. His breathing is now heavy and so are his feet. It's getting hard to keep up the pace, the wind pushing against his face, mocking him, trying to slow him down. Maybe fate is against him.
And she's at home. Waiting for his key in the lock, looking out her window, hoping to see his face. After all, there are so many things left unsaid, so many things that she could have said better. Her bags are packed, her passport in her hand. There are so many things she should take back... She didn't mean the things she said when she lost her temper... Why isn't he calling? She's shivering all over, thinking of his touch... Why doesn't he care? He would be here with her if he did... Glancing at the huge clock on her bedroom wall, she puts on her shoes, slowly, reluctantly. One more hurtful glance at the now half empty flat and she bangs the front door shut.
His heaving chest is about to explode, his legs give in and while his mind is still focused, his body refuses to play along and he stops. The rain is pissing down, as if everything is against him, everything is against him getting to her on time. He decides to screw his plan of catching her at home and starts towards the airport. His phone is soaked but the battery died anyway. The frustration and anger almost lifts him off his feet and again, he's off.
She's getting out of the cab and runs for the airport before the rain soaks through her dress. He's running too, but his throbbing heart is ripping at his chest, begging him to stop, to slow down, but he won't. He knows he's running out of time, he knows he has to speed up in order to get to her, not vice versa. He knows he could be too late. She's walking towards the desk now, reluctantly dragging her feet, looking at her watch, She accepts that he isn't going to come and as if a child giving up her favorite toy, she hands over her passport and boarding pass as a tear forms at the corner of her eye. He's at the entrance now, pushing open the door, he looks all around, about to call out her name when he spots her. He would of ran towards her, would have screamed her name, he would have tried to get through the ticket inspectors to get to her, but his heart sank and he knew his was too late. Maybe fate was against him.
Wow! This is just brilliant. I can almost hear the music as I read your piece, and I loved almost everything about it - including the way that your language sustained the chase-like pace even more powerfully than the music itself. There is something about your phrasing, frequent commas and rules of three that make the reader feel like they, too, are running with the two characters.
ReplyDeleteAdd to that some wonderfully original imagery - "moulding a perfect tear"..."like a child giving up her favourite toy" - and even a personified 'wind'; and also the masterful stroke of flitting between the two narrators (and the commanding use of the present tense throughout) and you have the ingredients of an amazing piece of creative writing.
If anything, the ending is perhaps a little anticlimactic - but maybe there was no other way it could end, and you do repeat the motif from earlier.
Well done on an exceptional effort - and a superlative achievement. Produce something as good as this in your exam and you'll be laughing! :)
Thanks sir xDDDD
ReplyDeleteHi Punk Rock Princess
ReplyDeleteLargely agree with englishguru's comments.
From the start, there is a real sense of someone moving, running, feeling tension and anxiety throughout this piece. Your short burts of information 'He keeps on running, through the woods, through the main roads, through the park..' really give a sense of his breathless hurry. And the dash after 'park' and onto 'he can't risk stopping' push the reader further into his out-of-breath near collapse.
The slower pace of the second para, with the woman remembering, regretting, is a good foil to the pressure of the first para. I would have her observe a few more things, especially as she looks out of the window and sees, then realises what she is going to leave behind. This will slow the pace even more.
The tension is kept in the next para when we return to man running. Your repetition of 'everything is against him' increases the tension and his drive and need to get to her.
The final para for me was an anti climax. I think that it flattens a little when you mix both the man's and the woman's experience in the same paragraph. Perhaps you may need to keep them seperate to keep the tension there.
By the time he has arrived at the airport, this final place, what are his expectations? You could explore this more, especially as he sees her, he has reached her after all this effort, yet he does nothing. Did he have a realisation when he reached the airport door, when he saw her, and this made him keep quiet? This could be explored to give your piece the strong ending it deserves.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI realise I've come to this late, and I'm really sorry, but I'm glad to see that you've already been praised for it. It really is exceptional.
You have excellent control of your writing here, and the present tense offers an imediacy that works so well. Great choice of setting too. Airports are such emotionally charged places, and the fact that you used the barriers to mirror decisions that can't be reversed is genius.
I would say that you can't get to where people board their planes without going through security (you need a passport and ticket) and generally once people go through security they have to sit around for a couple of hours til the plane's ready. That's not a complaint though - yours is a dramatic airport, and I like it a lot better than the real thing :)
Well done, and I hope you cane any exams you're facing - you certainly will if there's creative writing involved. Take care,
Andy