(Jane sits by the piano tenderly touching the keys...John sits reading his newspaper avoiding eye contact with Jane...All is quiet...so quiet you can hear a pin drop.)
Jane : (Looks up from piano) John I can't go on like this... This is a bloody mess. We don't even talk anymore... what kind of relationship is this?
John: (Looks away from his newspaper) Jane we are fine. You're being paranoid.
Jane: No I'm not. When was the last time we have been out together? It's not right John, it's just not.
John: Well... How can I make it right? I offer you tickets to the ballet, you refuse. I offer you tickets to see the opera, you refuse. What more can I do?
Jane: You see we are falling apart...has it ever crossed your mind that maybe, juat maybe I do not like the opera or ballet?
John: Well what do you like then?
Jane: I liked Elvis Presley, but as you know we can't see him anymore, however, I am fond of that new girl, the myspace freak , who is she?
John: Oh you mean Illy Lallen?
Jane: Yes that's the one. Illy Lallen. Brilliant.
John: Well... If you want we can book a weekend in London to see her?
Jane: Oh I'd love that! See now you're getting into it! (she walks over to John and kisses him.)
John: Right, well... I'll book the tickets now then, shall I? (He walks over to the computer, then eagerly researches Illy Lallen tickets)
John: Perfectomondo! all done! Right next saturday - 11 o' clock at the Winchester theatre, London.
(cuts to them at the theatre)(A well-built woman stands in front of the crowd and bursts into song... Only It's an opera!)
Jane: You did get the right tickets, didn't you?
John: Yes. Your looking at her. (Points at the woman) I give you Illy Lallen!!!
I found myself drawn into this from the outset, and your dialogue is utterly convincing. However, I am not sure it goes in the right direction during the second half, becoming somewhat farcical when the first half was laden with tension and subtlety. Think about subtle details suggested by the painting itself - rather than resorting to simpler comedy.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am SO pleased you have posted, and I think the first half is just excellent. Seriously. :)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteHappened to check in today and was glad to see you posted. I agree that the set-up is effective, but it could be tighter. After a few drafts it's often useful to consider cutting the very beginning. If perhaps, the woman gets angry with yet another concrete offer of opera tickets, it would grab the reader more quickly.
Your ear for dialogue is very good. I do get an idea of the man and woman's different temperaments from the words they use. The subtle sarcasm when the woman talks of Elvis is much more effective than a cheap laugh.
Also, the word "Perfectomondo" is very strong. (Is it just my age or is that the Fonz from Happy Days???). In any case, make sure, which you generally do, that you've invented full characters (it sometimes help to, as actors do, imagine "backstories" - childhood experiences, education, jobs, etc. - even if you don't use them in the script).
The idea of the final joke is clever, but I think it's a bit flat because, while the mistaken name works thematically, it isn't realistic (I actually googled Illy Lallen to see if I was just didn't get it - actually your piece was the first result :))
I've really enjoyed this and your previous submissions. I'm looking forward to what you make from this week's task.