Part 1 - Excerpt 3 – “End in Tears” by Ruth Rendell
One thing I noticed about the extract was that it had a combination of both narration AND dialogue, whilst others seemed to balance on one of either side. I found this interesting as the syntax varied which made it more enjoyable to read. This also added a sense of reality to the play with the dialogue setting an exposition, and the narration filling in the gaps with detail regarding the plot. The extract on the whole also is quite shocking in a sense: 'first time the woman he had tried to kill'. This is not emphasized much making it out to be quite casual in fact, this immediately adds on MORE emphasis on the event to the reader. The whole extract in fact is not exaggerated or seen as shocking, almost as if it was a general every day thing which makes us wonder what the characters are REALLY all about, with us wanting to immediately wanting to know more about them. The extract manages to build up and maintain the tension throughout the article and gives us detail through similies: 'like a bomb', which makes the whole thing more believable on the whole. Overall I think this is a successful and effective piece of the story and it would be hard to believe that the rest of the story wasn't as interesting as this.
Part 2 -
Click click bang. Three sounds I had been used to all my life. I wondered if I ever was DESTINED to be this way. Probably not. You can't mess with human nature, because it'll mess you up right back. That's what Dad told me anyways. But he wasn't here now. I had to get used to that.
I remember last February 14th like the back of my hand - like it was just yesterday. I had just come out of jail. Coincidence really considering I didn't have a valentine. But that's life for you I guess. Who would want to date a cold calculated and caniving bastard like me anyway. Well who would've wanted to, I mean. Since then I'm a changed man.
I'd been done in for manslaughter. I pleaded not guilty. I guess the jury saw straight through me, even I saw straight through me. What had happened to once the young boy waiting for daddy to come home just so he could get permission to play out with his friends because their parents had brought them new bikes? People change with time, yet I excelled that and was at a far quicker pace - if almost it being time trying to catch up with me, pulling me back into innocence, preventing me from the disastrous wrongdoings it knew I would comit in the future. It didn't really make a diffence. I'm a changed man. I've changed. It really doesn't make a difference. That was then. This is now.
Now. I stood there thinking. Thinking about my past. Wondering why I had to be the way I was. The way I was and the way I was never going to be again. And then I looked at him. I looked at my father lying there on the floor in a pool of his own blood, eyes wide open, as if to be staring at the knife in my hand dripping guilty with sin and blood. Caught red handed if you like. I thought about my past. Why did I have to be like that? It doesn't matter now. It doesn't make a difference. I'm a changed man.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThis is great from the opening: you’ve got the voice pinned down, the short fragmentary sentences work really well, and there’s enough intrigue with phrases like “That's what Dad told me anyways. But he wasn't here now. I had to get used to that” to keep the reader scintillated. Brilliant.
Not sure “I remember last February 14th like the back of my hand” works, though: you don’t REMEMBER the back of your hand, you just KNOW it well, so the simile doesn’t really work – and it’s a well-worn phrase, too. I know that in first-person pieces, it’s more appropriate to use sayings and phrases, but as I say, this one just isn’t quite there. Again, “like it was yesterday” is cliché, but may be permissible given the nature of the voice.
Good inversion of the classic ‘unreliable narrator’ with the phrase “even I saw straight through me”: you’re giving a nod to the fact that in crime writing, the narrator often conceals the truth from themselves too.
The last paragraph is a mixture. I think “hand dripping guilty with sin and blood” is a little overwritten, but I think you rescue it with the underplayed irony of “Caught red handed if you like.” And the recurrent phrase “I'm a changed man” works really well as a frame.
I’m impressed with this – just a few tweaks and it’s a very strong piece. Well done.
Penny
Phew – that revelation in your final paragraph genuinely caught me unawares! It’s really difficult to confound your readers’ expectations so completely, so very well done indeed – this twist makes for a truly excellent piece of crime fiction.
ReplyDeleteYour repeated use of familiar phrases such as ‘like the back of my hand – like it was just yesterday’ works effectively: it suggests the narrator is just a regular bloke, which makes the father-killing revelation even more of a shocker. ‘Caught red handed’ repeats this suggestion, but elaborates on it, too, with its grisly sense of humour. There are also some lovely, more lyrical phrasings, such as ‘You can't mess with human nature, because it'll mess you up right back’ (this is excellent, but drop the ‘up’ to make it really sharp and well-balanced) and the image of ‘time trying to catch up with me, pulling me back into innocence.’ This varied tone keeps the piece interesting and the reader engaged, and fleshes out the narrator: he is ordinary but articulate and sensitive (making that ending even more, ahem, killer).
The issues of this piece can be easily fixed with some good proofreading and judicious editing. You need to think much more about your punctuation usage (to pick one example, it should read ‘Who would want to date… like me, anyway?’). This is a boring point, but an important one, as it makes the piece SO much easier to read if it’s properly punctuated. There are also some awkward phrasings that you’ll catch if you re-read this piece (such as ‘I excelled that’ – should this be ‘I excelled AT that’?), and a couple of spelling errors. This is all fixable with a bit of time and tooth-combing, though, and I’m still happy as your tone, characterisation, and plot are all so strong. A well executed piece of crime fiction!