Part 1 - 1983 by David Peace
This piece of crime fiction is really enjoyable. I liked reading every bit of it. It makes you feel as if you are watching the crime scene right in front of you like ‘her mouth open......’ It uses a lot of powerful adjectives and it tells you what happens step by step. The text includes lots of simple devices which makes the text so powerful. For example the simile that he used comparing the victim with an animal. ‘The animal sound of a mother trapped and forced to watch the slaughter of her young’ was very effective in the manor he used it. I like the way it uses a lot of repetition for example ‘Contorted and screaming and howling’ I liked this extract as it makes you want to know what happens next.
Part 2 Suspect number 1
It is bad news, my dad was watching the news channel and it appeared in bold black letters: Jodie Coberly aged 13 was murdered last night just outside her house door. I was shaken. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I couldn't’t believe what I was watching. I felt a heavy tear drop of sadness droop down my cheeks. The news channel then showed an image of Jodie. When I looked at it, I wanted to see another person instead of my best friend.
After all that sobbing, I heard a knock on the front door downstairs. I ran as fast as I could, hoping it someone coming to tell us that they have mistaken Jodie for another girl.
Unfortunately, it was a detective
“Hi I’m detective Ronny. Well I just came to ask Lucy Brone some questions about the murder of Jodie Coberly”
My dad explained that I couldn't’t talk to no one at the moment, since I heard the terrible news about Jodie.
“I have to see her, it is urgent” protested the detective
I ran back to my room. I remembered that I was with Jodie last night. I was starting to shiver. Did they think I murdered Jodie? I couldn't’t. She’s my best friend more like my sister.
I could hear a familiar voice calling me from downstairs. It was my dad. I ran down to the living room where the detective was waiting.
He asked me several questions about her. Like where we went last night, and if I accompanied her to her house.
“I was with her last night, but I couldn't’t have murdered her, ask everyone and they will tell you that we were sisters instead of best friends” I said
The detective said that he will have to come back tomorrow and finish the investigation with me. He asked to take my finger prints to see if any matched on Jodie or the knife.
That night, I lay in my bed thinking of Jodie. That was the only thing that I was thinking of. I thought of all the good memories that we had together, especially the one where we went to the beach and she got buried in the sand. She left a big gap in my life. All the times we used to go to the cinema and park. I really miss her; I wish I was the one who died instead of her. Who would think of killing her? She never even hurt a fly.
The detective called the next day to assure us that I didn’t murder Jodie as they didn’t find any matching fingerprints.
He said they have to close the case because they didn’t have any evidence to who the murder was.
I wish I knew who murdered Jodie. I wish I walked with her home. I wish she was with me right now. I have so many wishes, but it is too late now...............
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteIn your analysis of David Peace's work, you identified lots of literary devices that you liked, such as similes and adjectives and the animal imagery. Unfortunately, you haven't used any of these in your own work. You tell us a story, but it lacks some of the embellishment which would make it great.
Are you familiar with the 'show, don't tell' technique? It is where you as the author shows the reader what is happening through metaphors, similes, personification and comparison, rather than telling them straight up.
You do a little of this when Lucy is remembering the time at the beach. Jodie being buried in the sand is strangley prophetic, and the juxtaposition of the play-burial and the murder is fantastic. Concentrate on the little details like this, and your writing will improve.
I would also suggest zooming in on one particular time slot, and not worrying about fitting in the whole story. At the moment, the story happens over the course of two days, which is fine, but there is a lot of information crammed into those two evenings which means that you lose out on the finer points. You could cut the second detective visit out altogether, as it takes longer than one day to close a murder case.
What is the focus point of your story? Is it the detective's suspicion that Lucy may be involved? Is it the memories that Lucy has? Because the word count is so limited here, make sure you know the one important point that the rest of the story revolves around. Don't worry about packing everything in; keep things simple to begin with.
Also, a small note on grammar: when using dialogue, always make sure you use a full stop or a comma after the speech marks, for example, " urgent” protested the detective " should read " urgent," protested the detective." Sometimes you leave sentences without a full stop too, give your piece a once over before publishing.
You also frequently misspell couldn't too - spell checker is your friend!
Good luck with the next task!
Hello again Star,
ReplyDeleteWell by and large I have little to add to Frances' comments, which I agree with 100%; It is crucial that you pinpoint the main thrust of the story, and utilise any subplots sparingly, especially considering your small wordcount.
One thing I would add, however, is that I feel you have a definite facility for pathos, and that by and large the mental anguish of your narrator is very easy to empathise with, especially towards the end, and your writing is very often heart-rending and beautiful.
However, it is crucial that you follow the type of advice that Frances has given for this to progress; your writing is very raw and needs streamlining and polishing for your ability with emotional empathy to really come to the fore. One of the most crucial techniques a writer needs to learn is that the reader must feel comfortable with the writer and feel as if they know what they're doing, and it is only after the writer has gained the trust of the reader in this way that their own unique writerly talents will have any effect. One of the most obvious reasons for a reader to lose faith in the writer is through the spelling and grammatical errors that are fairly rife in this piece, but more specifically Frances has picked out a very strong example of what would rob the reader of any confidence in their writer; 'it takes longer than one day to colse a murder case'. This is a perfect example; this is the type of thing that will make a reader lose belief in the reality of your world; this is why, for example, writers thoroughly research the settings for their stories, so that even an expert in detective-work could read the novel and belief in the fictional world that has been created.
But I still stick by my opinion that you have a natural flair for heart-rending emotion and that this will only improve as the technical side of your writing improves,
Well done again,
Eoghan