Part 1
I chose note from a small island by Bill Bryson, because it makes me chuckle (especially the English Channel/Vagina metaphor. I also love the tangent it goes on which, in a way, correlates very nicely to the theme of travel. Secondly, even though Bryson makes fun of the act of conception he does make you feel lucky to be alive.
Part 2.
For the first time, me and my dad were lost. We had driven ourselves down a very murky path, which seemed to end up being a very sticky cul-de-sac. We had no idea what to say about Steve's story. He glanced eagerly at each of us for a length couple of seconds until my dad spoke.
'I think the absence of any character or setting is really unique...'
'it gives you a wacky perspective right?. Cool. Cheers Dan.'
My dad and I did a telepathic sigh of relief. I then, being a nine year old boy, asked Steve about the spiders i had heard about in this specific bit of Queensland. Little did i know that i had taken the wheel and driven through the dead end and into a well.
'Sure. The little ones live in the books'.
I darted forward and rifled through the cavernous chasms that were the gaps between the pages of Steve's poetry. He then enthused:
'I've always thought of spiders as being like beautiful women.'
My dad gasped and, as he caught my eye, sealed his lips.
' I got some gorgeous snaps of some.'
Steve summed up Byron Bay for me. His unfailing eccentric enthusiasm, and sometimes inappropriate relationship with insects, was accepted by the people of Byron Bay. This was a place where a fifty year old poet/salsa DJ was revered and not dismissed as a old saddo.
Hello again Naboo,
ReplyDeleteFirst comment!
That's quite a rarity for me, especially at 7am on a Sunday morning.
In any case, yet again I thought your piece was very strong due to a very well-observed human comedy and pathos that runs through the story and the characterisation.
It strikes me that one of the most important aspects of travel writing is that the writer establish right at the beginning where the reader stands in relation to the information being conveyed, and you have very much achieved. Right from being informed that 'me and my dad were lost', then we as readers are also constantly in a position of feeling lost...which is refreshingly subversive in a travelogue. For example, we are lost in regard to Steve's story; we don't know what to say about it either, although unlike the narrator this is because we haven't even heard it. Rather than you filling us in, we are forced to make guesses based on the father's comments. This also demonstrates a refreshing abundance of confidence on the part of you as writer, as you are asserting your right to tell us as much or as little as you choose to and therefore putting the reader in a position of wanting rather than expecting.
Aside from this, the dialogue is just very funny. Without telling us any details of the story, you've still pretty much given the reader a good idea of the type of story Steve has come up with.
The strongest facet of your writing here is your characterisation, as each character is sufficiently different, but also very likeable, with Steve in particular proving to have very strong comedy value. The benefit of this is summed up with 'Steve summed up Byron Bay for me', in that, for a piece of travel writing, there is virtually no description of place or setting, but instead there is a very strong feeling of Steve almost being a personification of the place, and consequently this piece is a very valid travelogue which very much reminds me of beat writing such as Jack Keroac, with its lazy, breezy atmosphere and subtle characterisation,
Well done again,
Eoghan
Naboo,
ReplyDeleteShort, but sweet. :) Let's get some picky comments out of the way first. "for a length couple of seconds" should be revised, and I think you intend for Steve to say "cheers Dad" instead of "Dan."
I found myself struggling to keep up with this piece a little bit, and I think it might help to move the last paragraph. To me, this paragraph is the most informative, and I think it would be useful right after "My dad and I did a telepathic sigh of relief." Also, I'd suggest revising this sentence to "shared a telepathic sigh of relief," so that it emphasizes the closeness of the two. If you move the last paragraph, however, of course you'd have to revise the part about the insects, because we haven't been introduced to that aspect of Steve's personality yet.
Also, it might help to switch two sentences near the beginning, so that it reads:
"For the first time, me and my dad were lost. We had no idea what to say about Steve's story.
We had driven ourselves down a very murky path, which seemed to end up being a very sticky cul-de-sac."
This way, your reader gets the information they need faster, and can make sense of setting and characters as soon as possible. The first time I read this, I made the mistake of imagining the three of them in a car driving down a murky road into a cul-de-sac, when I realize now that this is simply a metaphor.
The paragraph about Steve and Byron Bay is neat and quirky. I like. :)
All in all, this piece is really clever and entertaining. I just need to be helped along more as a reader.
Keep it up!
Maria
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI think you’ve taken the two positive qualities you particularly identified with in Bryson’s writing – his humour, and the life-affirming quality of his work – and have utilised them really well in your own excerpt. The dialogue between Steve and the dad provides some warm, likeable humour; I particularly like ‘I’ve always thought of spiders as being like beautiful women’, your carefully delayed pause, and then, ‘I got some gorgeous snaps of some.’ Great timing! Steve is then extended from a source of humour into something more with that great final paragraph – a lovely balance of “showing” and “telling”. I agree with Eoghan that Steve is a strong, well-rounded, and likeable character, and to achieve that characterisation in such few words is quite an achievement.
However, I also agree with Maria that, on my first couple of reads, I was a little lost with this piece. I think switching the first couple of sentences would work to give the reader the necessary exposition (that the following dialogue is about Steve’s poetry, rather than about driving) without losing your uniqueness of tone.
Also, make sure to look out for spelling and grammar errors, such as capitalising both ‘I’ (as in ‘the spiders I had heard about’) and the first letter of a new sentence (as in ‘It gives a wacky perspective…’, and when to use ‘a’ or ‘an’ (as in ‘not dismissed as AN old saddo.’) PLEASE make sure you proof read your work before posting it.
All in all, though, I really enjoyed this piece. It was just so fresh – certainly fulfilling Mr. S’s parameters of being ‘creative, inventive, and original’ – with some lovely characterisation via humour.