Innocence.
Cocooned within a flawless form of what
should be, perfection follows soon behind.
I sometimes try to doubt its presence-but
then slowly it seeks refuge in my mind.
Emotions need to be abused some may
say, yet to those who curse and howl and many
oppose. I simply ask for them to please obey
commands they may receive. Although any
may seek demise from deep inside-observe
for I do not repeat my words, a spell
so binding few escape. Killing their verve,
the innocence once prized now forms a cell
for those to gullible to understand.
I weep abandoned-searching for a hand.
Guilt.
Perhaps I do not understand, correct
me if I'm wrong. Yet to my knowledge exists
no more a suffocating soul. Neglect
from all that was once real soon persists,
it leaves me dying from inside-this jars
my psyche out of sync, my mind is scarred.
I'm now another captive; penned by bars
that I can only cease to thwart, though hard
I try. This prison keeps me safe, so safe.
Imprisoned deep within my mind remains
what once persisted. Freedom used to chafe
until a point of no return. The chains
of guilt now bind me to a wall of pain,
which if removed-I'll always live in vain.
It’s a pleasure to be back moderating you! Especially as you’re such an able sonneteer. As ever, the form of these two poems is near flawless. Just a couple of tiny errors: on line four of ‘Innocence’, wouldn’t the emphasis naturally fall on ‘seeks’? Also, I was surprised that a couple of lines were one syllable too long – to be specific, line six of ‘Innocence’ (although possibly you meant to type ‘may’ rather than ‘many’? This would also clarify the confusing nature of this line) and line two of ‘Guilt’. Be sure to proofread your work, then, so that it fulfils the formal criteria, doesn’t have any spelling errors (such as ‘to’ rather than ‘too’ on line thirteen of ‘Innocence’), and is properly punctuated (there are a few places that could be improved with regards to this; for example, in ‘Innocence’ I think that should be a comma rather than a full stop on line seven, and I also think line nine of the same sonnet should end with a comma).
ReplyDeleteIn terms of content and imagery, this is (again, as ever) a deeply ambitious work. My own interpretation of the poem was as follows: innocence is a cocoon (‘cocooned’ was a great word choice), which thus suggests it’s a transient state, which humans must leave to progress to maturity. To remain, innocent, therefore, means a lack of growth: one is trapped inside ‘a cell’. This idea of innocence as entrapment thus leads us into ‘Guilt’, which is structured around the more conventional idea of guilt as a prison (‘chains of guilt’ is, in fact, a near-cliché). You explore these ideas using adept and unforced poetic techniques, such as some lovely internal rhyming: ‘psyche out of sync’.
However, I had to work very hard to draw this meaning out of the poem.s Not, of course, a bad thing, but in this case I think your themes are, at times, ambiguous to the point of meaninglessness. For example: ‘obey / the commands they may receive’. Commands? What? Where? From who? This is not elaborated upon or illustrated. Stranded by itself, the line is bewildering. The grammatical choices on lines nine to eleven of ‘Innocence’ increase this sense of bewilderment; the hyphen suggests an interjection before a return to the completion of the independent clause (the one beginning ‘Although any…’), but this does not occur. ‘Guilt’ similarly suffered from vagueness. Why is the narrator a suffering soul? What once persisted? I would be more engaged with the poem and its narrator if you used more concrete, physical language (most likely in the form of imagery: symbols, similes, metaphors, allegories…), rather than relying on ambiguous abstractions.
But ambitiousness isn’t a flaw! I really admire the bravery and insight of your poetic choices, and look forwards to what you challenge yourself with next. Oh, also, almost inevitably, this reminded me of Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and Experience’. Read them?
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to see a familiar display name round here. The only hindrance to that however is the bar of expectaion gets nudged up that inch higher.
Although I realise the critisism is all in good spirits and I'll value your highly detailed analysis dearly in the future.
I realise also that my previous 'comfort zone' has now ben violated, and under the ever watchful eyes of those who are yet to encounter the writers equivilet to 'brainfreeze'; I must preform.
I'm sorry I seem to have started 'Prosing' again :).
Look forward to futher comments,
Carlsberger.
Glad to be moderating you again this year and looking forward to seeing where your writing goes next...
ReplyDeleteYou’ve taken some risks with this pair of sonnets, which is always good to see – that’s how really memorable poetry is born. For the main part, they work – phrases like “killing their verve” go a long way to involve the reader’s interest, and there’s something startling about the juxtaposition of the violence of “killing” with the liveliness of “verve”. The last line is very good, too, as a standalone – in fact, it sounds to me as though this is the point towards which you’ve rather self-consciously worked in the poem, as it sounds so polished.
But I’m not sure if I know what it actually means in the context of the poem. As Sarah points out, sometimes I think you’re allowing the way something sounds to take precedence over its meaning, and that is somewhat frustrating, ultimately, for the reader; no matter how liltingly “poetic” a phrase might sound, if there’s not a pearl to be found inside the shell, as it were, then it’s not really working as a poem. I think in this case I’d suggest a more prosaic narrative to your poems; you’re brilliant at scenario and are strong on plot, so why not utilise what you know from prose-writing in your poetry? This doesn’t mean it has to have a particular narrator-voice per se, just that we as readers need a little more story to make this work.
Finally, again reinforcing what Sarah said – there are some technical aspects that need a little more work. The emphasis, particularly in “Innocence”, gets a little misplaced in your eagerness to use enjambment; and just remember that poetry requires the first and last words of each line to be strong ones, as they have most emphasis. Words like “but”, “may” and “any” can’t take the weight of a line break.
This is promising as ever, and I look forward to your next piece.
Penny
Hey Penny,
ReplyDeleteI've read your comment and I see where you're coming from now.
As for the 'all show, no tell' issue, I guess I've just upset the balance between the two. Simple mistake, yet a costly one at that.
I guess it's all part and parcel of producing creating creative writing at such a high standard. 8*)
Cheers,
Carlsberger.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteAs it's a new, uh, year(?), before I give my interpretation , I just wanted to raise/reiterate two points.
1) You need to get someone to proof-read for you, a fresh eye to catch some of these obvious errors. I think most writers (including myself) are too myopic to recognise every glitch. This is crucial for your work in particular because of its difficulty. We know your previous work and lean towards trusting irregularities. A new reader may not, understandably, put in the effort if they think they're labouring over a typo!
2) Although I have concerns over some lines, I don't believe that being more concrete or prosaic is a remedy. In my (perhaps old fashioned) opinion a poet shouldn't be concerned about making their ideas clear. If there are lines that you know are meaningless or included solely for sound, then that's between you and the Muse.
Ok, my own attempt. I'm starting to notice some intriguing characters in your work: Time and Perfection..
"Cocooned within a flawless form of what
should be, perfection follows soon behind.
I sometimes try to doubt its presence - but
then slowly it seeks refuge in my mind."
Perfection is a kind of demon in your work.. An ever-present, abstract, though very real, impossibility. The cocoon of innocence "sometimes" grants the persona a the "doubtful" illusion of "flawless form"
Time is the only defence against this demon. Time and perfection are both infinite so it should be an even fight, but the residue (abused emotions) of the battle is always suffered by the subject/ego.
Your attempt to portray this infinite struggle, in my interpretation, results in unusual time signatures
perfection follows soon behind
slowly finds refuge in my brain
the inevitability of "soon" creates anxiety, slowly alleviates this anxiety and controls the demon enough to allow it refuge.
Carlsberger, sorry, but I'm going to have to stop here for now. I will post a more through interpretation (and question some relatively uninspired rhymes) hopefully by tomorrow night. Wanted to make sure I got something in today.
pax
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteOk, I've untwisted my brain. Thanks for your patience. The point about time in the lines I left off with is that by personifying it you take some control over the inevitable, the always was and will be. "should be" creates a private space, however fleeting - a defence for the "Emotions" which "need to be abused."
Heavy irony in "I do not repeat my words"? This is a superb motif, signature line and the internal rhyme with "observe" is excellent. Does it fit with this persona? Not sure. Doubtful and anxious then commanding then scornful (those to(o) gullible to understand" then plaintive at the end. "I weep abandoned - searching for a hand." The progression seems coherent. You can see, though, how both lines could be read as recycled for less than urgent, original necessity.
The time theme continues in Guilt. Now "Neglect" is the character.
"...Neglect from
all that was once real soon persists"
"Soon" performs the same function as in Innocence. "Neglect from" rightfully identifies neglect as an active not passive force. Again, "soon" delays this insidious, but here inevitable invasion. One can't fight neglect one can only deflect/it and try to gain some time ("soon") to find some solace in the "prison which keeps me safe, so safe.."
The images of confinement in both poems examine this dual nature. Confinement is necessary for safety, even though the space can be "a wall of pain." "Freedom" from chains means "I'll always live in vain."
A bleak vision, and brave. It is the central tenet of, most famously, Existentialism; but is the truth that , I'd venture, most serious thinkers realise is unavoidable.
Ok, find a proof-reader. Don't settle for some of the weaker (any, many?) rhymes. Write every word with the utmost urgency. And take it easy! Have a good weekend.