Hotel Lobby (An exemplar)

Man, 65, enters hotel lobby from stairwell, with raincoat over his arm, and stops beside a an old woman, 70. Across the lobby sits a young, blond woman, 35, who is busy reading a book.

Man: (to old woman) There’s talk of rain this evening. (He receives no reply.) I thought I had better take my raincoat anyway; one doesn’t like to be caught out, after all. (No reply again. Louder this time, he bends over towards her.) I said there’s talk of rain. (Pause.) I thought I had…

Young Woman: (Without looking up) I think she’s dead.

Man: Good god! What did you say? (He looks back and forth between the two women, trying to unfathom the situation.) You think she’s…? I mean, how can you…? Did she…? I just can’t…

Young Woman: (Still reading, her voice betraying far more interest in the book than events in the lobby, she cuts through his stutter) I think you’ll find she’s dead.

Man: (Throws down his coat and kneels on the floor, grabbing the old lady’s wrist and holding her hand. Her hand falls back down again, cold and lifeless. He stays on the ground.) I think she’s dead.

Young Woman: Uh huh. No kidding. (Turns a page, with a sigh.)

Man: Well what are we going to do? We’ve got to call somebody! Anybody! Why is there no one in reception? Help me! Are you listening? Help me, will you? (He paces around, edgily, seeking decisiveness which eludes him.) Put your bloody book down and help me, will you?!

Young Woman: (Looks up, momentarily) I really don’t think there’s any need to swear.

Man: Yes, but I…

Young Woman: (Looking at her book again) You don’t even know me, and you talk to me like that?

Man: I know, but I…

Young Woman: Reckon you lost sight of your manners for a moment there, don’t you?

Man: I know. I’m sorry, but I…

Young Woman: Someone will be along soon enough. In the meantime, if you’re set on staying, I’d sit over this side – away from the smell. (The man is stunned to silence) It’s up to you, but that’s what I would do. Did do. Am still doing now… (Silently, he follows her suggestion and comes and sits beside her.) There. That feels better, doesn’t it?

Man: Not really. (Fidgetting, and shuffling constantly in his seat) How can you stay so calm?

Young Woman: I’ve had a long time to get used to it.

Man: What do you mean? Get used to what?

Young Woman: She had it coming for a long time.

Man: I’m sorry, did you know her? Did you know this woman?

Young Woman: Not really. Although I thought I did once. I thought I saw her cry once. When I was seventeen and we were just leaving dad’s funeral. But turns out she had a bit of smut in her eye.

Man: You mean she’s…? I mean, you’re her…? Aren’t you…?

Young Woman: (Still giving the appearance of someone engrossed in her book.) I suppose you want to know how I did it?

Man: Did what? I don’t think I…

Young Woman: Rat poison. Sugar cubes. She always did have a sweet tooth. (The man is dumbstruck. He stands; walks over to the old woman; walks back again. He sits down, puts his head in his hands, and begins to sob.) What’s the matter? Something in your eye too?

Man: I just can’t… You’re… What did…? I just can’t…

(There is a snort – and a splutter of coughing – from across the lobby. The old woman shivers sharply and sits up; looks at her watch.)

Old Woman: (Furious; shouting) I told you to wake me! Come on: we’re leaving. (She stands and marches out of the hotel.)

Young Woman: Yes, mother. (She follows swiftly afterwards, turning to smile at the old man before she exits. The man runs his hand through his hair; picks up his coat; sits down heavily in the old woman’s chair.)

Task 24: Hopper Scripts

A drama task with a difference this week.

Like the past couple of tasks, I am looking for convincing dialogue (with two or three characters) which works as a mini-play (200-300 words) of its own. Therefore, it needs to get going straight away, retain its 'punch' throughout, and work towards an effective climax; also, like all effective drama, it needs to have tension (comic or otherwise).

Also, as before, originality is key, however you choose to achieve that. Whether you opt for the daring, the comic, or even just the surreal, I am looking for anything but the boring and the predictable (paintings, just like literature, can mean what you want them to!).

But your script this time should be inspired by one of the following paintings by the American painter, Edward Hopper (1882-1967). Choose the painting, and then bring the characters therein to life in your own mini-play.

Some stage directions will be necessary, but crucial will be how convincingly you bring dialogue to life on the page - and, of course, how engaged your reader (or, rather, your audience) will be.

For your title, simple use the title of the painting itself.

Deadline = midnight on Saturday 3rd May

Here are the paintings:

Room in New York
















Cape Cod Evening















Chair Car
















Nighthawks












Hotel Lobby
















Summer Evening















Hotel by a Railroad

happily ever after

Prince has just rescued his beloved princess from an evil sorceress

Prince: [Embraces princess] from this point on we shall live happily ever after [clears his throat] my love

Princess: I suppose so d-darling

Prince: [steps out of embrace] I’m sorry; I can’t go on with this façade any longer

Princess: You too?

Prince: [sighs] ever since I was a little boy all I’ve ever known is sword fighting and slaying dragons, in hopes that one day I’d rescue my one true love … my princess

Princess: I can relate; balancing books on my head and wearing tiaras practically summarises my life.

Prince: but hasn’t this cliché run a bit past it’s sell by date? Princess is in danger, prince rescues her, and they live happily ever after, the end

Princess: [nods in agreement] why do our parents find it so difficult to understand that the method our ancestors used to get engaged just doesn’t work these days, we’re perfectly capable of finding someone we want to marry by ourselves

Prince: I agree but who are we to change a tradition that’s been going on for hundreds of years; I don’t know about you, but last time I tried to rebel my father banished me to the dungeon of doom [shudders]

Princess: [chuckles] if I ever tried to rebel I think my mum would lock me in a chastity belt and throw away the key

Prince: [winces] why don't we try and confront our parents together?

Princess: erm... I don’t think I’m that brave

Prince: We’d have to convince them that we’re capable of finding our own partners; all we need is a chance

Princess: Or… we could give them an ultimatum – 12 months to get engaged or we marry each other

Prince: [Smirks] yeah, I think that might work because no offence but your not my type… now Cinderella, I’d slay a thousand dragons for her

Princess: [shoves him then shakes her head] idiot

Task 23; Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel are wondering along a valley in a forest.

Gretel: You are, such a bloody idiot!
Hansel: Shut up Gret. Since when did you know ev-er-y-thing around here?
Gretel: Since I wasn’t the one who forgot to bring enough bread.
Hansel: Yeah, well.
Gretel: (Does a full turn) We are in the middle of nowhere!
Hansel: Oh, come on! Where’s your sense of adventure? I mean, (Looks at trees) Dad won’t be complaining about the lack of fresh air out here, there’s lots of, greenery. (Chuckles)
Gretel: Funny. You’re not funny.
Hansel: Loser.
Gretel: Dimwit.
(Walks for a few meters in utter silence)
Hansel: Actually, it was dad’s fault. He left us out here for the afternoon.
Gretel: You really are thick. Get the full picture, it was step mother. She hates us, wanted to get rid of us from the start. Haven’t you seen the fairy times lately?
Hansel: If you’re talking about what happened to that spoilt brat princess who fell asleep, I thought that was witch talk.
Gretel: Watch your mouth!
Hansel: I can’t. My nose is too big. (Laughs)
Gretel: Damn you! And don’t you bloody dare talk back because you must remember what happened the last time I hit you? (Grins)
Hansel: Yep. Clearly.
(Walks for another few metres in silence)
Gretel: What were you doing with that Goldilocks over by the lake yesterday?
Hansel: Nothing. (Stares at the passing trees)
Gretel: Sure. And I fancy Rumpelstiltskin.
Hansel: That’s what’s hidden under your pillow all the time!
Gretel: (Hits him very hard) No. That’s the letter I received from Golden Valley School of Craftwork, actually. (Smiles)
Hansel: You what? No way. No way! How? But, I didn’t, oh my goodness.
Gretel: You see? Dad always liked me more and that’s exactly why. Who can’t tell the difference between a saw and a spatula? I mean, come on. You’re the bigger brother with the smaller brain. How, odd. (Smiles evilly)
Hansel: (Lowers tone) Don’t push it sis. Just don’t.
Gretel: Remember to bring more bread next time.
Hansel: Will do.
Gretel: How’s Jack?
Hansel: He fell down a hill, what do you think?
Gretel: Only asking. Wow, you really wanted that place didn’t-
Hansel: How’s Jill?
Gretel: Her brother just fell down a hill. Do you need me to finish?
(Stares at a distant but steadily approaching cottage)
Gretel: Is that a-?
Hansel: Sis, you seriously deserve a slap sometimes you know. I mean, ever since-
Gretel: Hansel, shut up.
Hansel: Why? Because there’s a cottage in the distance? I realised.
Gretel: Thanks for telling me. (Runs off to investigate)
Hansel: I wasn’t done with you! (Runs after Gretel and arrives at the cottage)
Gretel: It’s made of gingerbread.
Hansel: Where was this house when I needed the bread eh?
Gretel: (Moves steadily closer towards the house) Go inside?
Hansel: Are you crazy?
Gretel: Nope. You were the one who told me to find my sense of adventure.
(Runs to the front door)
Hansel: Gret! Get back here! (Chases after her)
Gretel: So?
(The light from the window suddenly switches on)
Hansel: I guess someone’s home.

Task 22; A Cafe.

An author and her middle aged publisher sit in a London Cafe, drinking coffee and flicking through manuscripts.

Mrs Thane: So, do you like it?
Tory: It’s, different.
Mrs Thane: Different?
Tory: Different from the last one.
Mrs Thane: The whole concept was the capture the reader and to explain the ending in the last book. I mean, I understood the last book sold quite a few-
Tory: (chuckles) Great cafe by the way.
Mrs Thane: Great, cafe?
Tory: I mean, you’ve only lived in London for what, five years?
Mrs Thane: Yes but-
Tory: My aunt has lived in London for fifteen years, and she hasn’t the bloody foggiest idea where the City Airport is. You’re good.
Mrs Thane: (Leans towards Tory) Thank you, Tory. But I really don’t see what this has to do with my book.
Tory: Y’see that lady across the road there with the buggy?
Mrs Thane: (Sits back, hesitantly) Yes.
Tory: She’s a single mother, probably twenty five years old. Unable to keep herself and her child stable, she’s out looking for work, wondering where to start and when she’ll finish.
Mrs Thane: Right, a game! I love games. (Smiles) Man in a blue coat at the bus stop. He’s got a satchel, and he’s grey haired. He looks stressed. Teacher? (Shrugs shoulders)
Tory: (Shakes head) You should try the strawberry pavlova here, delicious.
Mrs Thane: You’ve been here before?
Tory: My mother. She used to take me to places.
Mrs Thane: She used to? What happened to her?
Tory: You ask a lot of questions.
Mrs Thane: My husband went out a lot.
(Long pause)
Tory: She had a heart attack.
Mrs Thane: Sorry.
Tory: Why London?
Mrs Thane: Because Cardiff was too beautiful. (Stares out of the window) Why publishing?
Tory: Seeing as I never knew what else was right for me, and I like to read. (Grins) And there was this girl.
Mrs Thane: Was she, blonde?
Tory: Not intending to be sarcastic Mrs T, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Mrs Thane: Intention excused. (Smiles)
Tory: Nice to see you smile. Here. (Passes a croissant from the table)
Mrs Thane: Thanks.
Tory: You ever been to France?
Mrs Thane: I can speak French.
Tory: Vraiment?
Mrs Thane: Really.
Tory: About your book.
Mrs Thane: Okay.
Tory: Yes.
Mrs Thane: Is that a yes for publication?
Tory: No. It’s a yes for whether I liked the story or not.
Mrs Thane: So, now what?
Tory: Now I take it home and go through it with a fine tooth comb, see if I can get a few people’s thoughts and ideas.
Mrs Thane: Alright.
Tory: Okay.
Mrs Thane: Thanks for seeing me so quickly. I mean, Michael was a great publisher, but since he died, I mean, I thought I might as well try and find another from the same firm.
Tory: Yep.
Mrs Thane: Was the last one better then?
Tory: Maybe.
Mrs Thane: You’ve read it right?
Tory: Of course I have. (Smiles warmly)
Mrs Thane: Better be off then. (Gets up) Call me when you’re done, please.
Tory: Will do.
(She walks away)
Tory: Shame. Michael would have been proud.
(He gets up, leaving the manuscript and his full cup of coffee on the table.)

Task 23

Aladdin: Honey I'm home!

Jasmine: Ah finally took your time didn't you. Did you bring my paracetamol.

Aladdin: Yes... i brought your bloody paracetamol and your hot water bottle and the rest of the rubbish.

Jasmine: Hey... There's a line. DON'T cross it. NONE OF THE STUFF is rubbish.

Aladdin: (sighs) Yes honey.

Jasmine: Right then, you can start with the ironing then do the dishes followed by the hoover and then i want you to clean up the bathroom, it's in a right mess.

Aladdin: O great, I come home after a long day at the carpet factory and you start bossing me around.

Jasmine: WHAT?

Aladdin: O nothing. Is that all honey?

Jasmine: Yes, then you can join me in bed.

Aladdin: Right. (half heatedly)

Task 23

A group sitting in a circle...

Mary Poppins: Welcome all to the Divorced couples recovery sessions.(she grins and looks around the room) Now, I cannot even begin to imagine how distraught you all may be feeling but we will get through this(She opens out her arms).. together. :]

(Snow Whites coughs violently)

Mary Poppins: And may I remind you, there will be no smoking in our meetings (she takes the cigarette out of Snow whites hand and smells it)...even the herbal stuff. Yes? OK... Who's like to start? How about you, Cinderella?

Cinderella:(takes a deep breath)Not much to tell really. My fella, he was such a sweet heart, he really was but, since the shoe incident, if I'm 10 minutes late from somewhere, he insists calling out a bloody search party! He really did me head in. I just couldn't take it anymore Mary...

Mary Poppins: Right.. I see, so then what did you do about it?

Cinderella: I gave him the boot didn't I?!

Snow White: AAAAAAAAAAAAMEN to that sister! (Giving Cinderella a Hi5)

Mary Poppins:Ahhh, Snow White! Would you like to share your story with the group?

Snow White: (Applying blusher to her face)Well, the marriage just got Sour. Literally. He grew an obsession with apples! Granny Smiths, Pink Ladys, you name them, he ate them!

Mary Poppins: (looking confused) And... what has that got to do with the divorce?

Snow White: (Looks shocked and puts down her make-up) Are you taking the piss?! You know how sensitive I am to Apples. You know what happened. Then, out of nowhere, out pops this craving for apples. I had to make him decide, me or the apples. I guess I wasn't Small and round enough for the git coz he chose the damn apples.

(The group gasps and whispers)

Mary Poppins: Well dear, he obviously wasn't right for-

(The Fairy God Mother enters looking drained)

Mary Poppins: Hmmm, May I help? (Grinning)

Fairy God Mother:Oh, is this the reforming meeting for Alcoholics? (fiddling with her wand)

(The group fall silent and stare in disbelief)

Marry Poppins: No. No, its not. Thats in room 5.1... Toodles now! (Waving hysterically)

(The Fairy God Mother slowly exits hicupping)

Mary Poppins: Well, that shows that a spoonful of sugar really can go a long way! (Laughing whilst Blushing)

Life under the sea

Little Mermaid: (searches for something)
Flounder: (Looks up from 'fishes in the news today')You lost them again, haven't you...?
Little Mermaid: They were around here somewhere.. I haven't lost them, I have simply... misplaced them, is all...
Flounder: ... You've lost them havn't you?
Little Mermaid: (on the verge of tears) Yes. I don't know what to do! I have to go up to see Eric tonight. I, I- Flounder... You know you're my favourite little fishy in the who-
Flounder: Forget it.
Little Mermaid: Ah come on, gimme a break!
Flounder: I am NOT looking for them again, you have to look after your stuff Ariel. (Goes back to reading newspaper)
Little Mermaid: FINE but don't hold your breathe while waiting for me to bring you back more fish food from above! (Swims out of the room in a strop)
(15 minutes later, Ariel swims back in with her head held down)
Flounder: (Not looking up from newspaper) Didn't find them then?
Little Mermaid: (Gives the fish a nasty look) Maybe I would have if I had a decent FRIEND to help me look for them.
Flounder: Ah, alright alright, (Wiggles fins, about to move from his comfy chair of seaweed when he spots them) Erm, Ariel?
Little Mermaid: What? What is it now, what do you want? If you're gonna make a stupid rema-
Flounder: Looked behind the coral reefs?
Little Mermaid: (Turns bright red) Yes well, (clears throat) thanks. I had a feeling they were there all along, I mean, yes, I was going to look there next in fact.
Flounder: Goes back to newspaper
Ariel gathers her belongings and swims up to the surface but reconsiders and swims back towards Flounder
Little Mermaid: (Hugs Flounder and whispers) Thank you, thank you!
Flounder: (Shocked at the sudden show of emotion) Erm, yes, well it's quite alright, now go, off with you! Don't want to be late seeing Prince Eric now do you? Go on! (Goes back to newspaper looking annoyed)
Little Mermaid: ((Kisses her little fish friend and swims up to the surface while clumsily putting on her legs before she reaches land
Flounder: (Looks up at the struggling mermaid/girl and gives a chuckle, then goes back to his newspaper.

A Red-blooded Repeat... (Redraft)

Little Red: (screams) OI MUM! (mother shifts her eyes towards her daughter hastily)
Mother: Yes, Red darling. Whatever is the matter now?
Little Red: I'm going to give these goodies to grandma. Yeah? Buhbye now don't wait up.
Mother: HOLD UP THERE YOUNG LADY. You know the rules though yes?
Little Red: Yeah yeah whatever. We've gone over it a million times now. (mimics mother in a rude high pitched tone) Don't talk to strangers, don't pick strawberries, and never trust any absurd species like foxes to direct you when in need of help... (mutters) again.
Mother: Well done. And make sure you keep that cake well wrapped up. We don't want it getting stuck to the biscuits now do we. What an awful mess that would make!
Little Red: (rolls her eyes and puts on a fake innocent girl's voice) YES MOTHER DEAREST. (back to normal tone) Why's that old bag keep getting sick anyways? I'm sure it was just the other day she wanted us baking cookies for her. How pathetic...
Mother: Don't talk about your grandma like that darling! Can you blame that sweet lady? That bloody wolf nearly gave her a bleeding heart attack the last time this all happened. Speaking of wolf remember not to...
Little Red: I GET IT WOMAN!
Mother: Very well. Now stop all this chit chat. Grandma will be expecting you soon!
Little Red: (she mumbles) Unfortunatly. Well, bye. As I said. Don't wait up.
(she walks towards the forest as a route to grandma's house and endlessly picks strawberries and immediately starts chewing on them, despite her mother forbidding her to do so. She then bumps into a familiar face)
Little Red: (evil smirk) Well hello there Wolfy. How you been?
Wolf: Please, don't hurt me... again. I'm just on my way home now. Honest.
Little Red: I see. Anyways how you holding up... you know after the last time. (looks into space in reminiscent memory smiling) You haven't told anyone about our little secret now have you, cos' if you do... well... you know the drill. (she winks)
Wolf: Yes Red. I won't tell nobody how you beat me senseless and bully me for no absolute reason at all. (uncertainly smiles)
Little Red: And?
Wolf: And especially not to tell your mother. Even though if she does know you won't mind as you are so absolutely ruthless and careless it won't even come across as a big deal to ya, will it?
Little Red: Now that's what I like to hear. But guess what I'm still gonna go ahead and beat ya anyways. You know, for no absolute reason at all... as you said.
Wolf: Please, I really must dash and...
(before he finishes Red picks up an axe left by the local woodcutter near a tree and walks toward the wolf...)
Little Red: Now turn around Wolfy. This won't hurt any more than you think it will. Turn around. NOW!
Wolf: Yes Red. I know the drill...
(She edges towards him with the axe...)

Scary Mary

Cinderella is sitting on her bed when her Mum comes banging on her door. She anounces that she has found yet another new baby sitter.

Cinederella(on phone): grr bloody parents, when will they learn i can look after my self. (pauses) I'll call you in about half an hour, that should be enough time to scare off mum's latest.(puts phone down and walks towards the door.) What now woman?
Mum: Cinderella this is...
Cinderella: My name is Cindy! geeze mother you named me you'd think you would have got it right by now.
Mum: Fine then. Cindy this is Mary Poppins.(mary poppins steps forwards) She is the woman off the telly,you know on that show...
Mary Poppins: super nanny.
Mum: yeah that one. Well the show got axed so i hired her to whip you into shape.
Cindy(laughs): Oh please mother, we have gone through 36 nannys in the past 4 months and you bring an old lady to my room.(turns hysterical).the only thing she is whipping is the cream for cakes.
Mum(tuts):you see what i have to put up with.
Mary Poppins:its ok mrs Bella,i can handle it.you and your husband have a good time now.
(mum exits)

(Cinderella waits for her mum to go then attempts to shut door in Mary Poppins face. Mary Poppins puts her foot in the way.)

Cindy: Nice try old lady (slams door shut, and retreats to her bed intending to continue phone call)
Mary Poppins (laughs): Who said I was trying? (pulls umberella out of bag and blows open the door cindy's bedroom).
Cindy (sniggers): Do you always carry C4 in your bag, or is your breath really that bad?
Mary Poppins: C4 is convenient but it leaves terrible mess afterwards and i suppose thier are other ways.
Cindy (concerned): other ways for what?
Mary Poppins(advancing towards cindy): Come on now Cindy. I can't stand you little misbehaved, ill-manerd brats or that Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious junk. Its so boring, and at my time of life i need something hmm... entertaining. so I thought what better way to solve a problem than to erase it completely.
Cindy(stuttered):wwhat doo youu mean...
Mary Poppins: killing children dosen't make for good television, not to mention good reviews. so when one moany parent complained her child had been set alight and hit for a home run with a baseball bat, the producer said he felt it best we 'terminate our current contract agrement'. I mean the little thing just slept all day, even when I was talking to him. Thats just plain disrespect if you ask me and besides it wasn't even a full swing; i'd say more a 2nd base shot.
Cindy (shocked): You mean to say it was you that killed Sleepy.
Mary Poppins:And Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful...oh and Grumpy but i dont think he was too happy about it. besides I prefer to think of it of erasing Britians pest problem.
Cindy: how could you?
Mary Poppins: It's like ridding a bike: at first it seems difficult but after that there's no stopping me.a sort of routine now, every child must have thier own 'medicine'.
Cindy: No! Please not me. I'm just a young girl, it's all down to my hormones, I can change.
Mary Poppins: it's to late to say sorry!
Cindy(sobs): I truly promise i'll never ever be bad again. (sits on floor and begins to rock bak and forward)
(Mary Poppins advances closer towards Cindy. She kneels down beside her. Mary's head moves closser and she wispers)
Mary Poppins (whispers):Job done! now the healing can begin....

Task 23

(Snow white is sitting on her bed, while on the phone to Cinderella. The Prince walks into snow-white’s bedroom.)

Snow white: (angry tone) Can’t you see that I’m busy (calm tone) I’m not sleeping darling, I don’t need your kiss to wake me up. (prince walks out the room) So sorry about that dear.

Cinderella: Oh, that’s alright. We all know how they are like. (laughs). My prince charming keeps buying me shoes and everyday I have to try on about a hundred of them! It’s getting a bit too much now but he doesn’t listen.

Snow white: Hmm, I see and trust me I feel your pain. Every time I go to sleep, he thinks that I took an apple and fainted again. You know what he’ll do next.

Cinderella: Oh yes, yes…no need to tell. But I think he cares about you, not like mine. (starts crying)

Snow white: Oh dear, what is the matter? Don’t cry over him, you can leave him any time you want. He loves your shoes more than you, doesn’t he?

Cinderella: (wipes her tears) Yes he does, sometimes I wonder why I got married to him. How can I leave him?

Snow white: err…you just walk out the door and there you’re gone.

Cinderella: Not that easy, I love him. (starts crying again)

Snow white: Oh God…stop crying like a little girl. It’s annoying you know. You love him? Do you really? Love… (pause) Do you even know that the word means?

Cinderella: Sorry, I can’t help but cry. (wipes her tears) Hmm…hmm…no actually I don’t know the meaning of it but I talk about it every time. Do you know?

Snow white: (laughs) Me? Nope, no idea what so ever. The word doesn’t really mean anything to me.

Cinderella: Oh, have you ever been in love? You must have been, you know with your prince.

Snow white: Ha! You think of me wrong then. No I haven’t been.

Cinderella: Really must get going now.

Snow white: Need to try another pair of shoes, do we? (starts laughing again)

Cinderella: (sigh) Yes. Anyways I’ll talk to you some other time, Bye. (hangs up)

Snow white: (prince walks into the room again) So sorry about earlier darling, I love you and I would never ever leave your side (smiles) even if I had to. Come sit by me.

The Suicidal Gingerbread Man

Lying down on the sofa, the little gingerbread man is seeking help after an awful year of manic depression. Talking to the councillor he explains his worries.

Councillor: ...So how did you feel after you had fled the old couple?

GM: I wasn't certain of how to feel. Obviously at that time I was quite anxious, I mean I had to constantly watch my back. These days, you just can't trust old people.

Councillor: Yes... and how do you feel about the cow that tried to molest you for your buttons?

GM: Oh God, I felt, how can I put it? (starts to weep) I felt ashamed. I blamed myself and thought I was leading the cow on. These days, you can't trust cows.

Councillor: Yes, take your time. This must be very hard for you, this injustice. But I am here to help and that is what I am going to do. Now, mr. Gingerbread man, when the horse attacked you, how did you react?

GM: Negatively. That horse was out to get me, I was terrified, I mean what else could I have been? It was just evil attacking a poor defensless creature like me. It was wrong of him. I was surprised I got away. I am very fortunate to have God on my side. These days, you just can't trust horses.

Councillor: You poor thing. Coping through such distress is often tricky, yet I find it useful to review the situation, after so many incidents I would have asked myself "Now, do I trust this creature?"...

GM: ... Yes well, as you know us gingerbreads are quite naiive, but I knew to be careful with the fox. You see, after everything that had happened, I find it hard putting my trust into anything or anyone, they just take that trust and use it against me. Yet I was clever with the fox. I was ever so careful and he (Starts sobbing) Oh God, he assured me, everything would be cool if I just hopped onto his back and swam over that river. (Cries now) But, he was a sinner too, and I only narrowly excaped his claws. You just can't trust foxes.

Councilor: Mr. Gingerbread man, don't cry, you'll make your ... juicy biscuit base all wet and soggy. Now, seeing as you've trusted me, I am going to trust you. (she locks the door. She then turns to the gingerbread man) I didn't have to run as fast as I can, I can catch you, naiive gingerbread man!!!!

(she then gobbles him down in a few bites.)

Jack The Jackass

(Jacks mother, Jane, is talking to a good friend of hers, Martha, about Jack's recent antics with a cow and a couple of magic beans...)

Jane: I mean can you believe it?! Magic Beans for my precious cow!

Martha: Yeah, and we all know how much you loved that cow...

Jane: Arghh. I just don't even know what to say, it's not even the bloody magic beans that gets me, it's the sheer stupidity, you know? Look at them.

(Jane walks over to her table to pick up the magic beans. As she does so, she shoots Jack a look that says 'You Idiot'.)

Martha: Ohhh so that's them then? The beans that you gave a COW away for? Now I know what you mean Jane I mean only a fool would do such a thing.

Jane: You see? It's unbelievable, you know what, I don't even know why I still HAVE these stupid beans in my house!

(Jane throws the beans out of her window, vigorously. Looking out the window, she peers up at the clouds in the sky, which are completely grey.)

Jane: Martha, is it supposed to rain today?

Martha: Yes, well according to GMTV it is. Why?

Jane: (Walking over to sit down) Oh, just asking because the sky is ever so grey.

(Just as she says this, it starts to rain.)

Martha: Wow. So GMTV were right then.

(The rain waters the magic beans, and they all look in awe out of the window as they watch a huge beanstalk grow up to the clouds)

Jack: See! That's the beans! I knew they were special!

Jane and Martha: Your not such a jackass after all then.

(After another horrific nights sleep the princess goes to complain to her prince)

Princess: Oh, I do wish your mother would stop sticking peas underneath my matress, How many times do i have to tell her? I am a princess!
Prince: Oh, I am sorry love, but the way you was eating at dinner yesterday, I'm not suprised she doesn't think you're a princess.
Princess: Excuse me, I did not just hear you talking to me like that, I eat how I want to eat and if your stuck up mother has a problem with that then thats her problem.
Prince : My mummy is not stuck up, she is a perfect human being, and she is just doing the best for me. If you have a problem, well then I have a problem with you.(Tries to act angry)
Princess: Oh shut up you little mummys boy, ever since I got here she doesn't believe a word I've said, and all she ever does is praise you and give you all the attention I mean, gosh!
Prince: So what, just because you're not getting all the attention doesn't mean I shouldn't! (starting to cry)
Princess: You killed her dog and yet she still gave you a big hug.
Prince: That was an accident. (Crying lots) Bruce was too small I couldn't see him.
Princess: He was as big as your horse.
(The prince starts to cry even more.)
Princess: Oh come here you great big fairy, calm down come on. (gives the prince a hug)
Prince: I didn't mean for, for bruce to die.
Princess: I know, I know don't worry, everythings going to be ok.
Prince: Promise
Princess: Promise, As long as she stops sticking pea's underneath my matress.
Prince: Ok.

A Strange Reunion

(Hook recognises Sir Croc at the boat yard and both of them are staring into each others eyes with discontent; Mountainous Tension is suffocating the 2 with Fear and Fury in Mind, from the heavy yet humid tension, Hook speaks)

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrr Ww-w-w….Ww-w-wee…W-we-ell Croc, it seems we meet again.

Sir Croc: (Sir Croc snaps his jaws) So it seems……..HOOK.

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrr don’t be tryin’ to scare me with those marshmallow toothpicks you call teeth.

Hook: I be not scared of those pussycat gnashes

Sir Croc: That’s not what you said last year, as I recall , I remember that you weren’t “scared” of anything….. EXCEPT of course when you encountered ME.

Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhh! Then Ye recall wrong, and what sort of pirate speak are ye speaking?! I Speak like a real man instead of ye posh talk.

Sir Croc: This is called modern day language my dear Hook, you see one thing that you don’t know about me is that during my year away from “Neverland” I attended Oxford
University and just so happened to learn a very posh, pure and perfect accent whilst also learning to use precise words to express my every deep and emotional feeling, instead of my usual Neanderthal like behaviour.

Hook: What be this “OXFORD” place, I don’t understand half the gibberish floatin’ out ye gob.

Sir Croc: You see my dear Hook, unlike you I have used my time well and learnt many new and fulfilling things, whereas you seem to have procrastinated the whole year on your garbage float, I have nothing more to say to you my dear Hook, except that... GET A LIFE!

Hook: Ay? What be Pro-Pro-Procras-Tin-Ating?

Sir Croc: See what I mean?

Hook: Enough talk ungallant fellow, talk wastes time, time’s for Rampaging and rummaging! En Guard!!!!

Sir Croc: Dear oh Dear, Have you not understand a single noun coming out of my mouth?
(Shakes his head in disappointment)

Hook: EN GUARD!

a royal tale

(Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth sit. Divided. By a thick layer of stiff suspense and untarnished egos, suddenly Phillip speaks)

Phillip: Well it wasn’t my fault your corgis’ tried to attack Mr. Mugabe. Is it?

Elizabeth: Look Phil. I’d rather not go there OK?

Phil: well, I’m just making sure I don’t have half of Zimbabwe chasing me every time I want a pint of milk. My running days are far from present.

Elizabeth: And your walking days will be too if you don’t behave!

Phillip: I’m sorry dear, just think though. How ironic. In a country where inflation is touching one hundred and fifty thousand percent, your corgis start the rebellion!

Elizabeth: They even had Annes’ Terriers begging for mercy.

Phillip: Well they take after there owner then don’t they?

Elizabeth: Why you cheeky little b…

Phillip: Now now, Liz! That sort of language is better left for those half-wits in Baku or something.

Elizabeth: Baku?

Phillip: why yes, have you not heard of the place?

Elizabeth: Phil, you have took your medication haven’t you?

Phillip: yes and for your information Baku is the capital of Azerbaijan. Are you listening dear? Dear?

Elizabeth: Poor Robert…

The kiss of life

Prince Charming: Well this is it. (Kisses sleeping beauty. She smiles, opens her eyes and looks at Prince Charming with disgust)
Sleeping beauty: Ergh! Yuk, what you do that for?
Prince Charming: I woke you up from your sleep.
Sleeping Beauty: I didn’t want to be woken up. (Looks annoyed) Who are you anyway?
Prince Charming: I’m Prince Charming
SB: (snorts) Prince charming, are you eh?
PC: Are you mocking me?
SB: Are you mocking- your gonna cry aint ya.
PC: No. (Sniff sniff)
SB: You big girl’s blouse.
PC: No I’m not.
SB: Yes you are.
PC: No I’m not.
SB: Yes you are!!
PC: I’m not!!
SB: Oh just shut your cake hole will ya and stop whining like a big baby. Where your backbone- actually on second thoughts don’t answer that.
PC: You’re not how I expected you to be
SB: Expect the unexpected. (Starts to laugh)
PC: I can see that. (Talks quietly, looking down at his feet)
SB: Well what did you expect? A sweet lady-like princess that will be swept off her feet after seeing you the great Prince Charming, that is your name right?
PC: Yes, Prince Charming
SB: Well? Is that what you expected?
PC: Well yes indeed I did.
SB: Well you got a bit of a shock then, haven’t ya?
PC: Yes I have indeed.
SB: God you’re so posh. What’s wrong wi ya? .Loosen up a bit. (Waves her arms and legs wildly)
PC: (Looks shocked at the Princess’ behaviour) Well it was the way I was brought up you see –
SB: Spare me the sob story.
PC: Sorry.
SB: (Mimics his accent) One doesn’t want to hear your stupid babyish story alright.
PC: (Sniff) why are you so mean?
SB: (mimics the prince) Why are you so mean? Oh, piss off .I’m kinda tired. You disturbed a really good dream you know. I was on stage and Pete Doherty kissed me .Like propa full on kiss and then you, you snotty little weed had to come a spoil it!
PC: I’m sorry. (Begins to well up again)
SB: Sorry? Like that is really gonna bring my dream back is it? By saying sorry .Do one will ya? I’m tired I haven’t been up for this long in 100 years.
PC: You want me to leave? (Looks taken aback)
SB: Well duh!
PC: Oh, I guess one mustn’t outstay their welcome.
SB: No, one must not.
PC: Oh ok.
SB: Hmm.
PC: Yes.
SB: Well go then!
PC: What you really mean it. (Looks horrified)
SB: Yeah!!
PC: (Sniff) Oh Ok. Well I bid you good day madam.
SB: Just go, your wasting my time, time that could be spent catching up on beauty sleep. You should try it sometimes.( Looks him up and down and raises her eyebrows)
PC: (Looks at his feet) Good bye fair lady.
SB: ZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!
PC: I really thought she was the one. (Sighs and makes his way home).

Task 23

(Two dwarfs were sitting CALMLY, on there little dwarf stools in there dwarf cottage, only they were screaming, and breaking plates on each others head.)

Screamy: (Screaming) Oh my bloody... Gosh (Hitting another plate on Shouty's head)
Shouty: Owch!! Bloody hell that hurt! (smashes another one on Screamy's head)
Screamy: How could you let the Prince out of your Sight! (Smashes two plates on Shouty's head)
Shouty: He walked away. His legs were longer than mine-God damn it ( Through's a plate like a Frisbee but misses...)
Screamy: He can't of just walked away Snow White needs him she's still knocked out!
Shouty: It wasn't my fault! (Frisbee's another plate and hits Screamy in the stomach.)
Screamy: F*** ! (Clutches his stomach. Jumps on a chair and and jumps smashing a plate on Shouty's head. Now there are no more plates so they use fists.)
Shouty: He walked away there was nothing I could do!
Screamy:Snowy is still in F****** Consumption.
Shouty: Then she should have learned rule number 1: Don't take Apples from Strangers
Screamy: She thought she was doing a good deed
Shouty: And in rule number 1: It also says don't Bloody take a red ones as well - that's bloody dangerous!

(After about 5 minuets the dwarfs are tired out and sit down with a glass of water each. And are still screaming at each other.)

Screamy: This was your fault!
Shouty:No it wasn't! (Kicks Screamy under the table. Screamy looses it...)
Screamy:RARRRGH!!! ( Climbs on a table and starts smacking Shouty in the face while screaming)

(After 2 minuets the fight has ended and somehow both dwarfs had managed to tie them self up with a meter of string)

Cinderella and Prince Charming

[Prince Charming and Cinderella talking on the phone]

Charming: Why did you bugger off yesterday?
Cindy: You know exactly why I buggered off yesterday.
Charming: Honest, I don't have a clue.
Cindy: I think you have something to tell me. I think you have to tell me your secret.
Charming: Babe, if this secret is so bloody bad that it's caused this hissy fit, why don't you enlighten me?
Cindy: I saw you didn't I. [pause] trying on my glass slipper, posing in the mirror.
Charming: aaahh...
Cindy: You had just put that slipper on me, you had just told me you would spend the rest of your life with me, I told you I would spend the rest of my life with you.
Charming: I still do.
Cindy: I'm gonna bloody have to. Can you imagine if my bloody stepsisters found out I had turned you, I wouldn't hear the last of it.
Charming: I was just curious babe, I'm not...that way, I thought I proved that to you the night of the ball, in the cloakroom.
Cindy: I guess, but if I ever catch you acting like a bleeding homo again I swear I will go into exile...
Charming: Alright. So, do you fancy coming to meet your tranny boyfriend down at the pub, I'll get a couple of daiquiris ready. Oh, and make sure you wear that darling blouse, it's fabulous.
Cindy:[chuckles] Cheeky Sod.