(Two dwarfs were sitting CALMLY, on there little dwarf stools in there dwarf cottage, only they were screaming, and breaking plates on each others head.)
Screamy: (Screaming) Oh my bloody... Gosh (Hitting another plate on Shouty's head)
Shouty: Owch!! Bloody hell that hurt! (smashes another one on Screamy's head)
Screamy: How could you let the Prince out of your Sight! (Smashes two plates on Shouty's head)
Shouty: He walked away. His legs were longer than mine-God damn it ( Through's a plate like a Frisbee but misses...)
Screamy: He can't of just walked away Snow White needs him she's still knocked out!
Shouty: It wasn't my fault! (Frisbee's another plate and hits Screamy in the stomach.)
Screamy: F*** ! (Clutches his stomach. Jumps on a chair and and jumps smashing a plate on Shouty's head. Now there are no more plates so they use fists.)
Shouty: He walked away there was nothing I could do!
Screamy:Snowy is still in F****** Consumption.
Shouty: Then she should have learned rule number 1: Don't take Apples from Strangers
Screamy: She thought she was doing a good deed
Shouty: And in rule number 1: It also says don't Bloody take a red ones as well - that's bloody dangerous!
(After about 5 minuets the dwarfs are tired out and sit down with a glass of water each. And are still screaming at each other.)
Screamy: This was your fault!
Shouty:No it wasn't! (Kicks Screamy under the table. Screamy looses it...)
Screamy:RARRRGH!!! ( Climbs on a table and starts smacking Shouty in the face while screaming)
(After 2 minuets the fight has ended and somehow both dwarfs had managed to tie them self up with a meter of string)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteIn a way this is the opposite of your last submission. In that, the joke "don't wet yourself" was one of the best I read, but the set-up and ending weakened the excellent middle. It's old advice, but often writers consider cutting the beginning and end of pieces for maximium effect.
This submission is wonderfully concise. Slapstick dwarves are both traditional and, in this context, (especially with the swearing)subversive. The names are inspired and, perhaps, you could include more of the original seven.
I think it could be improved, though, if you think more of what the dwarves have lost - what they cared about and needed from Snow White.
Just as the slap in your previous piece should have been the climax of the scene, the wonderful joke about the length of the Prince's longer legs could provide a strong punchline.
I loved the absurdity of the final stage direction - a bit "out there" Monty Python. More focus on the dramatic timing (perhaps act it out aloud) and identification with the plight of the dwarves would make this special.
I agree with pugnax really - not much more to add. Remember the opening stage direction needs to be present tense though, like the rest.
ReplyDeleteGood, fun, inventive work. Well done.
Hi Giggles, I'd just add that it's worth running the work through a computer spelling/grammar check to pick up typos and errors throughout.
ReplyDeleteSince this is a scene based on conflict and atypical behaviour, would it be more interesting if the dwarfs begin by just talking about the mishap with Snow White and then descend into a fight? If we see them in the fight from the start there's less interest (less character) in the scene.