(Snow white is sitting on her bed, while on the phone to Cinderella. The Prince walks into snow-white’s bedroom.)
Snow white: (angry tone) Can’t you see that I’m busy (calm tone) I’m not sleeping darling, I don’t need your kiss to wake me up. (prince walks out the room) So sorry about that dear.
Cinderella: Oh, that’s alright. We all know how they are like. (laughs). My prince charming keeps buying me shoes and everyday I have to try on about a hundred of them! It’s getting a bit too much now but he doesn’t listen.
Snow white: Hmm, I see and trust me I feel your pain. Every time I go to sleep, he thinks that I took an apple and fainted again. You know what he’ll do next.
Cinderella: Oh yes, yes…no need to tell. But I think he cares about you, not like mine. (starts crying)
Snow white: Oh dear, what is the matter? Don’t cry over him, you can leave him any time you want. He loves your shoes more than you, doesn’t he?
Cinderella: (wipes her tears) Yes he does, sometimes I wonder why I got married to him. How can I leave him?
Snow white: err…you just walk out the door and there you’re gone.
Cinderella: Not that easy, I love him. (starts crying again)
Snow white: Oh God…stop crying like a little girl. It’s annoying you know. You love him? Do you really? Love… (pause) Do you even know that the word means?
Cinderella: Sorry, I can’t help but cry. (wipes her tears) Hmm…hmm…no actually I don’t know the meaning of it but I talk about it every time. Do you know?
Snow white: (laughs) Me? Nope, no idea what so ever. The word doesn’t really mean anything to me.
Cinderella: Oh, have you ever been in love? You must have been, you know with your prince.
Snow white: Ha! You think of me wrong then. No I haven’t been.
Cinderella: Really must get going now.
Snow white: Need to try another pair of shoes, do we? (starts laughing again)
Cinderella: (sigh) Yes. Anyways I’ll talk to you some other time, Bye. (hangs up)
Snow white: (prince walks into the room again) So sorry about earlier darling, I love you and I would never ever leave your side (smiles) even if I had to. Come sit by me.
Hi Angel_K
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting set-up. I like very much the part where the two girls complain about their princes always trying to kiss them awake/make them try on shoes... it's very interesting because it shows the guys as living in a fairytale world, still believing all the traditional stuff, while these two girls have moved outside it and are being much more cynical. You have the opportunity with that to create a lot of irony and some funny conflicts of expectations.
I think, though, that some of the dialogue seems to move too fast though. Eg, cinderella out of nowhere starts crying, but snow white's response, although she does say 'what is the matter', doesn't pause to hear it. Instead she instantly 1. says that cinderella should leave him, and, 2. guesses the problem (and this doesn't seem to surprise cinderella). I think it would be more effective if you let your dialogue move at a slower pace, letting your characters draw things out of each other a bit more, listening to each other and developing their thoughts as they talk about their situations. This would make it seem more flowing, less abrupt, I think.
I like the idea of the ending - how snow white has been encouragin cinderella to leave her prince, but it seems she doesn't really have the courage or desire to do so herself - it's an interesting note on which to close
keep it up!
claire
Love the ending. Well done a great piece, keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHey, Angel_K,
ReplyDeleteI like the premise you've set up here. It's weird, cos I've just read Naboo's, and you've hit upon some similar issues with the same characters, so it may be worth reading that one yourself if you haven't yet (though they are both very different too, obviously).
Claire's ahead of me with some great pointers there, so I'll try not to repeat stuff for you. I love the shared naivity of your protagonists - they're so ignorant that it has a sweetness to it. I think you've hit upon something ace in the fairytale of snow white there. I mean, she'd have no awareness of being poisoned, or why the prince's kiss is so crucial, so everything from there, the romance, the destiny of it, could be lost to her - she's just doing what other people expect. Well done.
I like that you've hinted at the lack of purpose in the respective princes too - I think you could play up snow white's husband's insecurity about her being harmed or taken from him again. Maybe even having him say something about it in one line at the end to show why she needs to say her: 'I would never leave your side' piece. Having them together as a couple at the end also fits with what the women are resigned to, so maybe you could do something with that.
That's just stuff to play around with really. What needs doing is some clearer indication of the staging of this. I'm not sure if you're concieving this for stage or screen, but either way I need to know who we can see during this at the beginning - how the phone conversation works. Also the phone thing is a great idea, but you can play that up more too - people aren't as controlled about what they show on their faces when they're on the phone, and sometimes (like with the crying) there can be confusion about what you're hearing, so you could think about that.
All good stuff again though - that's mostly just if you wanted to edit (and editing will serve you well if you get in the habit now). Well done, and good luck with the next piece. Cheers,
Andy
I also like the implied gender contrast here, and the way you have created a hero with 'attitude' in Snow White. But I also agree that it moves rather quickly between changes of mood and content, and lacks the structure that benefits, say, 'The Suicidal Gingerbread Man'.
ReplyDeleteA great subversion of character, therefore (and especially the shoes references) but a more sophisticated subversion of plot is possible too. Do you see what I mean?