(Hook recognises Sir Croc at the boat yard and both of them are staring into each others eyes with discontent; Mountainous Tension is suffocating the 2 with Fear and Fury in Mind, from the heavy yet humid tension, Hook speaks)
Hook: Arrrrrrrrrr Ww-w-w….Ww-w-wee…W-we-ell Croc, it seems we meet again.
Sir Croc: (Sir Croc snaps his jaws) So it seems……..HOOK.
Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrr don’t be tryin’ to scare me with those marshmallow toothpicks you call teeth.
Hook: I be not scared of those pussycat gnashes
Sir Croc: That’s not what you said last year, as I recall , I remember that you weren’t “scared” of anything….. EXCEPT of course when you encountered ME.
Hook: Arrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhh! Then Ye recall wrong, and what sort of pirate speak are ye speaking?! I Speak like a real man instead of ye posh talk.
Sir Croc: This is called modern day language my dear Hook, you see one thing that you don’t know about me is that during my year away from “Neverland” I attended Oxford
University and just so happened to learn a very posh, pure and perfect accent whilst also learning to use precise words to express my every deep and emotional feeling, instead of my usual Neanderthal like behaviour.
Hook: What be this “OXFORD” place, I don’t understand half the gibberish floatin’ out ye gob.
Sir Croc: You see my dear Hook, unlike you I have used my time well and learnt many new and fulfilling things, whereas you seem to have procrastinated the whole year on your garbage float, I have nothing more to say to you my dear Hook, except that... GET A LIFE!
Hook: Ay? What be Pro-Pro-Procras-Tin-Ating?
Sir Croc: See what I mean?
Hook: Enough talk ungallant fellow, talk wastes time, time’s for Rampaging and rummaging! En Guard!!!!
Sir Croc: Dear oh Dear, Have you not understand a single noun coming out of my mouth?
(Shakes his head in disappointment)
Hook: EN GUARD!
Life...Hi!
ReplyDeleteI really like the original ideas you have shown throughout all of your submissions, and, as usual, I will say that this is another original idea that touches on quite interesting themes that can be developed to make a really strong piece of work.
At the beginning of your piece, you do not need that rather literary introduction when Croc and Hook meet. Just set the scene. Is the boatyard Hooks? Does he merely work there, having fallen on hard pirating times?
And why is Croc there? I notice you call him 'Sir Croc'. Has he gone up in the world? If so, how? Does Croc want to buy a big yacht so he can travel round the world with ease, being sick of swimming?
And the whole section about Croc having attendd Oxford University I found quite interesting, that this great change has come over him because he has learned to 'speak proper' and has atteneded a 'posh' place like Oxford. You could do more with this, along the lines of how attending such a place (the 'right' university)and aping the speech of those who are associated with such a place, opens doors that were previously closed to a warty, violent and 'neanderthal' old crocodile!
To make his Oxford experience more real, he could mention what he achieved there, what his qualification was, how long he studied there? And even some of the people he met. He could have met all sorts of interesting people.He could also talk about how he has learned to alter his crocodile-like behaviour to achieve the same, or even different ends. He could have learnt to use language to avoid getting shot by poachers who would turn him into handbags and shoes, and could have learnt to charm his prey into his mouth by the use of tricksy words and arguments instead of the usual roar and chase and grab and eat.
He could have also had a change of career due to what he has learnt at Oxford, and the contacts he has made, and could even be some city high flier who has now come round to Hook to boast about it!!
So there's a lot of opportunity for broadening this out and having some fun with it, as well as touching on some really contentious issues!
I also like your vivid descriptions of teeth, although I wouldn't have 'marshmallow' and 'toothpick' next to one another. 'Toothpick' cancels out that lovely image of marshmallow teeth.
So apologies if I have gone on at length! I like the originality of your stuff, and it can be much stronger if you look at what you have started and see how you can improve it. Treat the piece as something others will want to read, or see performed on stage and then you will see the improvements that need to be made that get the story over to your audience.
You may have read it, or it might be one of those books you groan at when hearing the title, but I'm going to reccommend it anyway!!
Read 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell. Just read it as a story without listening to what it's supposed to be about from others first. See what he says through the story, what the undercurrents are, and how these make it not just any old story. Then go pick up your work again!!
Best wishes
ann g
Not much to add to Ann's great and thorough critique - other than to say how much I enjoyed the fresh originality of this piece, skilfully steering clear of cliche at every turn. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteI love Hook's obstinacy at the close of this scene. Well observed - he is reverting to sword fighting as the only thing he knows, while Sir Croc is clearly having none of it. Great. The difference in their styles of speech is also comically well-observed: I love the phrase "floatin' out ye gob"...
I agree that Sir Croc's experiences can be broadened on - I certainly want to know more. He is a great character!
Looking forward to the next one.
Penny
Hi Life, I basically agree with Ann's and Penny's comments - there is more story in here than you have shown and you could allow the dialogue to go through it more slowly.
ReplyDelete