Please bear in mind that these are the first sonnets I have EVER written, so it may be a little lame.
Life
I've always known that we live in a world,
Where love is worth nothing and life's a game,
And since the dawn of mankind, hate unfurled
Its wings, robbing humankind of their shame.
For every child born, another one dies,
For every war that stops, another starts.
Each happy smile killed by a thousand cries
Our loved ones suffer from broken hearts.
Sick of it all, for restful death I cry;
I yearn for the peace of eternal sleep.
I beg for the Good Lord to let me lie
Away from the world that caused me to weep.
And when my life does end, I pray the Lord
Will grant me heaven as my own reward
Death
It took me, long before I was ready,
And flung me into a world of despair;
A land of loneliness, shade, tragedy,
Where darkness and sorrow hang in the air,
A storm grey cloud of emptiness. Where did
All the colours go? Green, blue, yellow, red?
All gone. I never did manage to bid
My farewells to the human world. Instead,
That goddess, Mother Nature snatched my life
Away, took my soul to a private hell
Where desolation is forever rife.
Life is precious. Though things may not go well,
It's all you'll get. Treasure it all. And so,
I must say this. Life is dear. Don't let go.
Hi crazystar (I like your blog name btw) - my name is Robert and I'm one of your moderators.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was interesting the way your two sonnets fed into each other and then in turn reflected the views promoted in each other. There was a very nice cyclical nature to them. I was also a little surprised at how positive and yet realistic the message at the end of "Death" was since I was beginning to find it all a little gloomy. So you really achieved that "requirement" of a sonnet in flipping the reader's perecption of the poem.
With "Life" I was impressed by some of your images. The line "for every child born, another one dies" was quite moving and did make me stop and think. The unfurling (which is a great choice of word) of hate's wings was another image that I found quite vivid. I'm not so sure about "each happy smile killed by a thousand cries" - in a way its a good image and a powerful sentiment but it feels a little too over-dramatic and perhaps you should look at altering that one.
The only real criticism I have of "Life" is that occasionally your language seems too familiar and strays a little into cliche. The "dawn of mankind" does not really offer anything and is such a familiar phrase it seems out of place with more individual terms like the unfurling of hate's wings. The same with life's a game - in fact it would be good to change that as then you would have to alter the rhyme of the fourth line as I did not get how hate robs humankind of its shame - though maybe you could explain that to me.
With "Death" I would look at altering "darkness" in Line 4 as since you've already said "shade" - which is a much better choice of word - in the line before. Also take out grey in Line 5 - it's not needed as a qualifier and actually weakens the image of the storm cloud. Also I don't see why you put the colours in colour - it just seemed a bit of a gimmick and unnecessary.
Other than those minor criticisms I was impressed and they certainly weren't lame. You got the rhyming scheme exactly right and created a nice sense of correlation between sonnets. I also liked the way you added a Christian dimension to your sonnets - this helps them stand out and as someone who has a rather ambiguous and fickle relationship with my own faith I found this interesting to read.
I look forward to reading your future work.
Hi Crazystar,
ReplyDeleteTrying something new can be a bit daunting, but don't feel like you have to apologise for your work or be defensively self-depricating, especially on here where it's all about trying out new forms and ideas. I'm sure you'll become more confident as you become more comfortable with the form.
As Robert has already said, you've done really well with the rhyme and the rhythm, and you've got some really lovely images. My favourite is 'hate unfurled/It's wings' - good enjambement too. You use some sophisticated language and the lines flow on, it feels like a proper poem.
Whilst both of your sonnets seem quite negative, I like how they both turn a bit positive at the end, for example, in "Life", everything is going a bit rubbish, and then you mention death as being 'restful', the 'eternal peace of sleep'. This is a nice twist, and I like how both of the sonnets want what the other has got.
This is a really good effort for your first sonnets, I'm excited to read more of your work!
Frances
Hi there, Crazystar!
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit cool – I’ve just noticed that you are also a moderator for Biya on the junior blog as well. It will certainly be exciting working alongside you in both of these dimensions!
Anyway, I’m Avani and I’ll be your moderator this year. First things first, I’ll let you into a little secret. When I saw your disclaimer at the beginning of your work, I couldn’t help but giggle. It’s exactly the kind of thing I would do too. I’m a nineteen-year-old self proclaimed writer and yet, the only sonnet I can ever remember writing is part of a Shakespeare project years and years ago. Unlike your poems, however, it was AWFUL – so you don’t have to worry on that front. I think the others who have commented on these are right – we should stop worrying about what the final pieces turn out like and use this site as a source to experiment with ideas and structures.
On that note, I’m going to be VERY hypocritical and take my turn to apologise (how about we both promise to hold back for the next task?) and just let you know I’ve never really moderated much before, so if I’m not commenting on the things you need help with or the things you’d like an opinion on, feel free to leave me a message. I should also explain here that I read your work without originally looking at the task (don’t worry I have now!) and so if you think these are lame, I leave you to muse over how lame I am for getting teary eyed whilst reading these.
Seriously though – what powerful writing. Robert and Frances are both right in what they have said. My only criticism actually is what Robert said about falling into clichés, but even that wasn’t too much of a big deal for me personally (though it is something you should look into in terms of improving your writing), because I am a big fan of conventional ideas and how they can be twisted. I am very interested for example, in your choice to switch from the word ‘mankind’ to the word ‘humankind’ in lines three and four. Was this just a syllable thing, or are you saying something else about gender? I notice the religious ideas at the end of the poems and certainly, if your persona is referring to an Abrahamic God, could there be a subtle hint at the differences between the actions of Adam and Eve in Eden? After all, it was ‘mankind’ at dawn and ‘humankind’ by the time we fell to shame. I think I’m probably reading too much into things now, but well done nonetheless.
Looking at the second poem, I love the way it turned out to be more reassuring than the ‘Life’ one. You’re right though – people do tend to fear what’s to come and then realise too late. The ‘Death’ poem is my favourite out of the two and I especially like the way you’ve phrased the last two lines. As Francis said, your use of enjambment is good, excellent in fact, are you produce excellent flow both between lines and between poems. In this one, the cliché to watch out for is the ‘storm grey cloud’, is there perhaps another image you could think up to go here?
You’ve used first person well in both poems, as the task demands and yet, you seem to have differentiated between two types of first person in each poem. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something a lot more personal about the second poem. I think it has something to do with the fact that in ‘Life’ the persona is observing horrors, whereas in ‘Death’, the persona is experiencing them. This is a very subtle, but effective difference.
I’m not really sure of what else to say. Honestly, these poems are excellent. You seem to be a very perceptive writer (which will certainly help you with your critique too) and I really can’t wait to read more of your work!
~ Avani
Thank you all of you for your wonderful comments
ReplyDeleteNice to meet (well-you know what I mean) you all as well!
Thank You! :D
~crazystar~