Light
Enlightenment is soul's flower. Light brings
The power to the best, shares buoyancy
To all the rest. With light we‘re queens and kings
Eyes that risk spotting the light, lively, free
Light offers knowledge and brilliance. Light
Is an award to the winner, and shows
Condolence to the loser. Light is bright!
Light is a virtue; not a horrible
Disadvantage. There’s light that’s shimmering
Within you that illuminates your soul.
They say it’s always been there glistening.
Darkness will no longer be in control!
There is a great light of life within you.
Live the life within. Let the light shine through.
The power to the best, shares buoyancy
To all the rest. With light we‘re queens and kings
Eyes that risk spotting the light, lively, free
Light offers knowledge and brilliance. Light
Is an award to the winner, and shows
Condolence to the loser. Light is bright!
Light is a virtue; not a horrible
Disadvantage. There’s light that’s shimmering
Within you that illuminates your soul.
They say it’s always been there glistening.
Darkness will no longer be in control!
There is a great light of life within you.
Live the life within. Let the light shine through.
Dark
The darkness is a pestilence that eats
You. The darkness taunts and teases you
It waits and waits until you are all set,
Then the dark closes in and devours you.
Mistiness is what is left of your soul
No more contentment, no more buoyancy,
It’s like a thunderstorm that makes a hole
Blocking light to your soul. Uncommonly
I feel warmth inside darkness. And I feel
Certain safety in the dark. The darkness
Can wrap around you, hiding, concealing
You from others sight. Absolute darkness.
We are all the same in the dark. Equal.
Darkness is two-faced; safety or just cruel.
You. The darkness taunts and teases you
It waits and waits until you are all set,
Then the dark closes in and devours you.
Mistiness is what is left of your soul
No more contentment, no more buoyancy,
It’s like a thunderstorm that makes a hole
Blocking light to your soul. Uncommonly
I feel warmth inside darkness. And I feel
Certain safety in the dark. The darkness
Can wrap around you, hiding, concealing
You from others sight. Absolute darkness.
We are all the same in the dark. Equal.
Darkness is two-faced; safety or just cruel.
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. I enjoyed reading it immensely. I felt a real sense of joy in the first sonnet with the awakening qualities of light. This sense of enthusiasm came across in your use of exclamation. The sonnet reminded me of Elizabethan courts and has that traditional sense of declaration that the sonnet form is so successful in conveying:
‘Enlightenment is the soul’s flower.’
In places it does feel contemporary: ‘There’s light that’s shimmering within you...’ It suddenly feels personal and less huge. There is a tone of knowing throughout the poem which is impressive. The final line is good because it establishes a solid ending.
To improve this I would think about perhaps doing more with some of the imagery. The focus of course must be on light, but you might want to think about doing this visually. Could you describe the light? Is it the sun’s light? A candle? Some of the lines don’t quite make the meter. In the first line ‘Light’ is where an unstressed word should be. In the second line both ‘to’ and ‘the’ are unstressed but there is a need for one of these to be a stressed word, I think. It’s a very tricky meter, and it does take some getting used to.
Looking to the next sonnet...
I like this idea of the dark being corrosive in the first line. I also liked how you gave the concept a personality: ‘The darkness taunts and teases you.’ I like how you describe the darkness as a physical thing: ‘The darkness/Can wrap around you...’
A few of the lines might benefit a little from some sharpening: ‘Mistiness is what is left on your soul...’
I really enjoyed these sonnets. Well done. I’ll look forward to your next submission.
Liz
Hi Mechanical angel,
ReplyDeleteYou display tremendous natural ability here. The poem(s) sound lovely. Excellent use of alliteration and internal rhymes:
".....Light brings/The power to the best, shares buoyancy/To all the rest...."
The b and p sounds (called 'plosives' - as in ex-plosive) add punch to the meaning. The internal rhymes thought ('best'/'rest') ('flower'/ 'power' - have you studied the 1960's?) make the sonnets feel tight and, as they are, linked.
The meaning of theese lines line is almost there. Did you mean "share with?" It's a sophisticated metaphysical idea (check out Donne) - enough light left over from the best for the lesser to have hope. Not sure I agreee, but I don't have to. It's a keen concept which makes me think and engage with the work..
Once you've mastered the metre (too many wrongly stressed syllables as Liz pointed out), your natural voice will be even stronger. Have you read any Hopkins? His sonnets are a riot of sounds, beauty (like that Light) giving a real grace to even his most desolate, depressed work. In terms of sound your style seems to be headed in his direction.. (And he wasn't always depressed - check out "Pied Beauty").
As for meaning,, there are sophisticated ideas as above and in your structure (see below).. However, there are too many lines which are a bit tired, a bit clinched.
The final couplet of Light for examples. It's OK up to the final clause which, um, "Let the light shine through." Your poem deserves a better ending than that. Similarly "Light is bright!" well yeah, but...
I don't think it's just me being cynical, though other moderators might disagree. The Dark sonnet begins brilliantly
"The darkness is a pestilence that eats/ You. The darkness taunts and teases you.." The enjambment is
really powerful. This ."You" (unstressed) has fallen off "eats" in the previous line, and it feels like quite a fall. Excellent. But then the next line "It waits and waits until you are all set" is really disappointing. And the final line (the important end of the stanza) simply repeats the "eating" metaphor. There are a few lines like this which only seem out of place juxtaposed with the many fresh and meaningful ones.
"Mistiness is what's left of your soul
No more contentment, no more buoyancy.
It's like a thunderstorm that makes a hole
Blocking light to your soul...."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the meaning here is as strong as your analysis of Light and "buoyancy" in the first sonnet. When you focus your obvious intelligence the results are striking.
Your use of the octave/sestina split is most clever.
"...Uncommonly
I feel warmth inside the darkness."
A truly unexpected shift on the first reading., marking the edgy ideas. Best, for me, is
"Absolute darkness.
We are all the same in the dark."
An inspired reinvention of the clinched - we're al the same underneath.!! Darkness as the great equaliser, the true shared experience.
You employ a similar technique in Light:
"Light is a virtue; not a horrible
Disadvantage....."
but then you continue with light's positive qualities. Perhaps the dark side could be analysed here? Dark is easier to write than Light, though; and your attempt is admirable.
So, this is close to being a tremendous sonnet pair. I hope at some point you can revise - fix the metre and focus intensely on the meaning of each and every word. Your obvious talent deserves nothing less.
Thanks, challenging work. Looking forward to more.