Pain
The sun may shine throughout this warming day,
And birds may cheap their melancholic notes,
But nothing can replace my soul. I pray
To God, asking for another thick coat
In which I can hide all insecurities.
The Man on Mars must surely understand
What it is like as The Impurity,
To be the one who may as well be banned.
Yet there! The clouds are forming an answer,
The Sun has stopped it’s gleeful shine and joy
And doused with clouds, like sorrow to dancers.
For I can feel there’s no point in rejoice.
Although our Lives seem like a sea of love,
For me it often means spilling my blood.
Bliss
Oh Dear boy, surely your not speaking true?
From what I’ve seen Life is adventurous,
Just take the time and you will see it too.
Do not remain so inconspicuous.
The flowers there are swaying left to right,
The wildlife thrives, it grows off atmosphere.
Just have a look. Quite the eye-candy sight,
Oh wouldn’t you say? Just move into gear
And notice nature’s signs of assured glee.
The Sun, The trees, The Bees, The cats, the dogs,
They’re all the clips that join to make a scene.
As dear boy, I hope you believe in God.
Oh you’re too young to understand the truth,
That beauty is out there, looking for you!
Dear all moderators, i'd just like to say im very sorry for posting so close to the deadline as i have recently been struck by terrible cases of flu.
ReplyDeleteHey, life,
ReplyDeleteCrikey - terrible cases of flu doesn't sound fun. Hope you're doing ok now. If anything you should feel good about this - it's good work once again.
As a general point - you've chosen nice topics; well, not 'nice' but good.
Things I like in the first poem:
The variety of images, and yet a sense of togetherness to it all. Mars, birds, clouds, dancers - it sways through these scenes in the way a troubled mind would - good atmosphere.
I also like the slightly romanticist tone, with bits like 'And yet' and 'God' being coupled with modern thoughts about Mars, or domestic images like your 'coat.'
Some pointers:
The phrase 'melancholic notes' feels like a shift in tone - it contrasts sharply with the shining sun. If you want that, that's good, but I didn't know how to feel in those first two lines, underlined by the line about 'my soul' - because you wouldn't look for melancholy to replace a soul. I hope. Who knows.
I think the rythm gets lost in 'spilling my blood.' Spilling does it - the emphasis ends up on the 'ing.'
Easy one here: 'In which I can hide all insecurities' is a beat too long. But 'In which TO hide' fixes it, which you probably intended in the first place.
Good Rhymes by the way.
I love the voice in the second poem. It sounds older, which you confirm in the second to last line. You've clearly thought about how this character should sound. It's great to see.
There are some bits of rythm that will need a re-read - aloud as always.
For example 'Just move into gear' has something going on with the 'into', I think - I'm sure the other moderators can lend a hand too.
Beautiful contrast in tones. 'Nature's assured glee' is a sweet line. Well done with the whole thing. I look forward to the next task. Take care,
Andy
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteThere’s some wonderful imagery in these sonnets. In the first sonnet
I particularly admired the: ‘thick coat,’ ‘the clouds are forming an answer’ the ‘sorrow to dancers...’ You’ve established an energetic and engaging tone that carries the reader through. The interjections of exclamation provide this necessary burst of energy towards the centre of the sonnet.
Occasionally in ‘Pain’ the sonnet veers towards abstraction, and it becomes a little difficult to extract meaning: ‘What it is like as The Impurity...’ I think you could explore this further in a longer poem, but within the compressed formal restrictions of the sonnet it is difficult to elaborate much further on this, I think.
In ‘Bliss’ you create a strong voice. I like how the voice advises the reader. I thought it was an interesting dialogue between age and youth. Be sure to comb through it and make sure the voice is as consistent as it can be.
I really enjoyed reading these. Thanks for posting. Well done.
Liz
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your sonnets this task, you've done a great job. You've used different voices in each which is great, they're very distinct, and "Bliss" really does answer back to "Pain", using recurring points like God and all the nature images - super!
You've got some intense rhyming going on too, even with the sophisticated language, you're owning the lines rather than letting the rhyme dictate what you're writing.
I'm a bit confused by your use of capitals within the lines. Sometimes it's just unnecessary, such as 'The Bees' when describing some bees. When you've capitalised 'Life' in "Bliss", I'd like to think that you're personifying it along with Pain and Bliss and think that this a really good concept, like emotions are all characters in their own dramas. Is this what you were trying to do with 'The Impurity'? I like the image, as pain is something that we try to expunge from our lives, but I wasn't sure if you were trying to emphasise something or give it another meaning.
You've got some lovely images in your sonnets, my favourite one is 'doused with clouds', it's really atmospheric, and fits well with the voice that you've created.
I look forward to reading your next post,
Frances