Sunday, 29 November 2009
Who We Are
A man stands outside the front room, he pinpoints the exact position that he is likely to hit. His wild arm hair bristled in the wet November, whilst his eyes seemed to burn with the lands of Hell, and his figure-blessing jeans remain rigid in the unsteady night. There is no doubt of what he is about to do, and yet like an infant without his mother, he is a tourist without his Baedeker. Crowds shatter in attempts to be spared yet another time, to be forgiven again by the almighty Smiter. But, alas this is human nature. Complicated, Loving, Lonely.
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Dear all Moderators;
ReplyDeleteI apologise deeply for posting at such a late date. I had no idea that a task had been set and hope that you forgive my absence. I am very sorry for keeping you all waiting.
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteFirstly I'd like to say that I like the style of writing. There's lots of images and description and I really want to picture the whole scene. Here are some of my favourites: 'figure blessing jeans' - hints towards youth and attractiveness, 'wild arm hair bristled in the wet November' - suggests a wild ruggedness, bare arms, and the man himself being 'wild'. Part of me wants to add a subject after November, such as night, rain, wind, to finish off the sentence as it hangs a little bit, but without it, it gives a sense of time, like he's really been there for a whole month which I really like becuase it's ominous.
However, I'm not sure what he is doing. He's outside, presumably watching whoever is in the front room, and from 'hit' I think he either has a gun, or is going to throw a rock. But I don't know which, or why. I know it's difficult to cram everything in in only 100 words, but you could hint a little, for example, 'she had rearranged the furniture since he'd been gone' implies that the man used to live in the house, has a relationship with the woman, wife/mother/daughter/whatever, and that he's been gone for a while. With a bit more background, we could imagine motives and this could help flesh out the stroy a bit more. I don't really understand the last section, beginning 'crowds shatter...'. He's broken the glass and is the 'almighty smiter' but it's all a bit fuzzy for me and I think it could use some clarification.
As a side note, I've never heard of Baedeker's before, I'm a Lonely Planet girl myself. I liked this metaphor a lot, I thought it was great how you showed that adults still need to be guided. It showed a lot about the protagonist too, that he was indeed lost with no one to help him on the way.
Phew, I wonder if you're still reading this by now? I think it's a great start with a lot of potential, but with a few more clues along the way, I think it could be a lot more rewarding for the reader.
I look forward to reading your next post!
Frances
Hi, Life,
ReplyDeleteIt's cool to read your work again, and this is a beautiful piece. I can see that you've worked towards hightlighting the poetic in your description. 'Figure-blessing' is great, as is the general rythm of your language. Maybe watch out for the length of sentences when you're building metaphors - try to finish once you've got the idea across, or when the line is at its most powerful.
I think you end on a poetic, powerful note with that tripartite - cool rythm use again. I was also chuffed with how consistently you wrote in the present tense - good handling of mode, and good choise too; it makes this moment imediate, and doesn't filter it with 'he sees' or 'he feels' - you just give the details. Fantastic stuff.
Well done with this, and good luck with the next piece,
Andy