Saturday, 12 December 2009

Rain

How heavily it rained that night. Sombre grey clouds filled the blue sky, giving out raindrops as big as pebbles, washing the windows of the buildings. That night my mother died. I did not know the difference between reality and a dream. I ran away from the truth and the mournful atmosphere at home. I felt a gentle tap on my left shoulder, then on my right then on my head. The rain has started spitting. As I walked faster to find some shelter, the driving drops advanced their gears, camouflaging my tears. Rain please wash my pain away.
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2 comments:

  1. Frances17 December 2009 at 19:29

    Hi Star,

    The first thing that strikes me when I read your drabble is the inconsistency in tense. You switch from past to present, back to past, and then to present again. It's distracting and confusing; I can't tell if the narrator is out in the rain again reliving the original night in the rain, or whether it's an error. Because you have a limit of 99 words, I think it would be better to just use one tense, or make it clearer when you go to a different time. This is a shame, because I think that this drabble has potential. Using the weather to show a character's emotions can be a really handy way to 'show' and not 'tell' the reader what is going on. The grey clouds invading the blue sky immediately shows the reader that bad news, or negative emotions are approaching. Perhaps you could have used a stronger image than 'washing the windows of buildings' though. It doesn't seem to relate to anything else you've got here, and seems tacked on.
    The last sentence seems much more appropriate to the themes you have chosen, so maybe you could mention it earlier and have it running through the prose.
    I especially like 'camouflaging my tears', and you could take this a step further by bringing in another sense, by having the sound of the rain blocking out the sobs, or diluting the taste of the tears.
    I'm glad to see that you have used metaphors and similes in your work, but there is some inconsistency. In the beginning of your drabble, you say that the raindrops are like 'pebbles', but then later on, you only feel a 'gentle tap'. I feel like a pebble sized drop of rain would cause more of a sensation, but well done for using the 'touch' sense in the first place.

    I hope you have enjoyed being part of Word Voodoo 2009, and I look forward to reaing more of your work in 2010!
    Frances

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  2. Katie10 January 2010 at 06:27

    Hi Star! Sorry it’s taken me a little while to comment on this!
    I really like this drabble (what a great word!). It’s so saturated with emotion, and I can really picture your narrator battling with their emotions in the rain. You tackle such a huge topic, of bereavement, especially given that you only have 100 words, but the risk paid off with this snapshot of pain.
    You have some really good images, such as the raindrops as big as pebbles. I also really like the rhymes towards the end, with “gears” and “tears”, “rain” and “pain”, which makes your sentences kind of echo, much like the rain would do—fab!
    Yeah, make sure you watch out for inconsistencies in tense, as it can be so confusing, and also towards the end you say that the rain is starting, but you say that it is already raining at the beginning—just watch out for things like this.
    Another thing to be careful of is that most of your sentences begin in the same way, “I did this” or “I did that”. To make it more interesting try to mix this up with things like, “Doing this, that happened,” or “As I was doing this,” etc. You have done this with the sentence starting, “as I walked faster,” so more of this would be really good.
    Well done on this though, and for sticking to the task so well!
    Best wishes for 2010!
    Katie

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