“We are fighting to maintain peace! Think wisely, my dear countrymen, think wisely. Do you wish to give your country away to people who have previously had transactions with the terrorists? The terrorists who vowed to kill you. The terrorists who wanted your land.
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, SA was no ordinary Army General. He was scandalous, his whole existence I’m sure is scandalous!”
I was in deep sleep when I heard a glass break. I opened an eye to look at my dad’s reddened face. He was yelling at my mom who was listening calmly, she seemed to be more worried about the broken glass than about my dad’s banter. It took me a while to realise that my dad was yelling to my mom instead of yelling at her.
‘This is outrageous!’ he yelled. ‘How could they say something like this?!’
‘What’s outrageous?’ I sat up to have a better view of my dad, and when I did, I noticed the broken glass and right next to it was a news paper soaked in coffee which read “The SA scandal” in big bold letters.
‘What’s the matter dad?’ I asked, now knowing the source of the problem.
‘PA has told such lies about General Siripala Amarapala! How could they?! He won the war for us! He could have easily spent another two years doing nothing, but he stepped down refusing all the promised wealth. He is now running for president only to give our country the change it really needs!’My dad has always been a ANP (Active National Party), fanatic, a party which is now represented by Former General Siripala Amarapala for the presidential elections.
‘Nah, this whole issue… I don’t think it will have any impact on peoples’ minds, and anyways SA can rebut the statement in today’s campaign’.
‘Yeah, that’s what I thought at first, but you see son, if the GA do manage to convince the people, then I don’t think SA will be able to change anything.’
‘Hmm... .’
“‘Good morning, you are with Sirasa TV News 1st. We have just received another election result.’
‘In the Ampara district, President Eshan Hettiaracci has secured a majority of eighty five percent of the votes while Former General Siripala Amamrapala has secured just fifteen percent of the votes.’
‘Stay tuned for more election updates, this is News 1st, Pollanca TV.’”
‘Hello?’
‘Hey mom, how’s dad?’
‘Oh, so you heard the news… Well, he’s taking it better than I expected.’
‘Cool, I’ll be home around at four ok? I’m off…’
‘Wait!’
‘Huh?’
‘What exactly do you know about the results so far?’
‘I know that Siripala has lost… and… I think that’s about it.’
‘Hmm.. ok, there is more to it. I’ll tell you the rest later ok? Be safe!’
Click!
What else could possibly go wrong? GA (General Alliance), wins the elections and continues to ruin the country. That’s what was predicted, but considering the amount of inaccurate predictions given so far, I don’t think I should be relying on them anymore.
I was in an overly packed bus, passengers were nearly spilling out of the foot board while the bus conductor squeezed through the narrow gaps between people issuing tickets and yelling the names of all the stops at the top of his voice. The radio was turned on. It played a soft, slow voice singing to a relatively loud backing track; a weird combination even for native music.
The music stopped abruptly and was replaced by a rhythmic, monotonous voice.
“Good evening, this is 24.9,Gamey FM. We’ve just had breaking news. Former General Siripala Amarapala is currently surrounded by armed troops at the Inter Continental Hotel. I repeat…”
It was my stop to get off. While walking home I pondered on the events so far. At first it had seemed very simple; the current president, Eshan Hettiaracci will win the elections because he was the only politician able to take the credit for ending a twenty-five year long war. Then tides changed as the Army General announced his resignation and his entry into politics. His popularity began to soar and was eventually predicted to become the next president. However, President Hettiaracci managed to win another term as president using blatant rigging. The votes were counted by the army and all troops were brain-washed in order to erase any form of loyalty towards the former general. The election commissioner was under house arrest and his verdict on the election wasn’t aired live for the first time in history.
Just as I was about to reach the door, my happy-go-lucky brother materialised besides me.
‘Hello my beautiful little… whatever,’ he yelled in my ear.
I screamed. ‘Don’t you ever do that again!’
‘Mom’s not at home.’
‘Really?’ She hadn’t told me.
‘Yeah, didn’t you get the text?’
Just then my iphone bleeped.
‘That must be the text’, I said as I tapped the screen in order to get the light on. As the light came on, a message was made visible. “You no longer have Internet Connections” it read.
‘Hey! I got that message too’, my brother sounded relieved. He probably thought that it was a problem with the signals, but I knew better.
The events that that have occurred so far seems to me like a big, entangled ball of thread. It looks strong from the outside, but as you remove the outer layer you see a complicated mess acting as the core to strengthen the outside.
I stepped inside the house only to let out a deafening scream! There lying on the floor was my dad. He was beneath a shattered chandelier, his blood soaking the carpet. He had a thick noose around his neck which was connected to the chandelier. No! How could he do this to himself!?
First off: is this about a real-life event? I assume so, but ten minutes of Googling have returned no results yet! Can you let me know?
ReplyDeleteAnyway: these are big issues for a short piece, and you handle them extremely well. I learned a lot from this story, without ever feeling like I was being lectured at. You achieved this through humanising the politics. In particular, showing them to the reader about them through a child was a masterstroke: the narrator is intelligent enough to “show” us the details of this political conflict but is not yet involved enough to be blinkered or one-sided about it. Enacting these general, political conflicts through a specific, human family really made them come to life, and shows how decisions of the “higher ups” DO affect individuals. Very well done!
You sustain the reader’s interest through using a variety of modes – description, dialogue, and the radio broadcasts – and do well to balance out the heavy stuff with the lighter banter of the family dialogue.
A few issues with the prose:
After the initial paragraph, I would like you to have orientated the reader much quicker as to where this family are. I was a bit confused about the spatial dynamics of the place. Was the narrator’s bed in the living room? Were the parents arguing in the boy’s bedroom? For the reader to really enter into your story, it must have clarity.
There are also times when you need to think about word choice. For example, ‘banter’ suggests playful speech, not irate yelling. Be careful to avoid “telling” the reader too much. So, in ‘I was in an overly packed bus, passengers were nearly spilling out of the foot board while the bus conductor squeezed through the narrow gaps between people issuing tickets and yelling the names of all the stops at the top of his voice’, the first clause can be cut entirely, as the reader is “shown” that the bus is ‘overly packed’ through your energetic description of it. There are other places where you would do well to “show”, rather than “tell”.
‘The events that that have occurred so far seems to me like a big, entangled ball of thread. It looks strong from the outside, but as you remove the outer layer you see a complicated mess acting as the core to strengthen the outside.’ This simile has great potential, but needs work: maybe something like ‘it looks strong from the outside, but as you unwrap its layers the core is revealed as a tangled mess’? This would make it more concise, and would avoid that clunky repetition of ‘outside’.
The mechanics of your prose need work, but I really, really enjoyed this piece, and am deeply impressed by your ability to balance light and dark, fact and fiction. Great stuff!
Yes, it is based on a true story, though i did exaggerate a little.
ReplyDeleteThanks
Lady Macbeth, I am so impressed by this piece. Having watched your work develop over the task I think that this is unarguably the best thing you have written so far. It’s the perfect balance between fact and emotion, which I suppose is understandable considering that it’s based on a true story. Like Sarah I would love to hear more about the context...please, enlighten us!
ReplyDeleteIn this piece I really enjoyed the mix of mediums you used, it really added to the flow of the text. You’ve already had a brief comment on how you could look into showing more of your story rather than telling it. I think the ‘telling’ parts are especially emphasised as they are positioned alongside the reported information you give us through the radio news. Does that make sense? What I mean, to clarify, is that because you have these wonderful sections in which the protagonist learns what’s going on around them and is directly ‘told’ what is happening, it means you have to work even harder to ‘show’ what is happening the rest of the time.
Talking of your protagonists, I think one of the greatest achievements within this piece is your use of an unreliable narrator. This is generally something that is very difficult to maintain as often writers accidently slip in things that the persona shouldn’t technically know. As far as I can tell, you have managed to keep up this clouded narrative all the way through this piece, which must have been exceptionally difficult considering the sheer scope of your events.
On the whole, I agree with everything Sarah has said – so make sure you take that advice. This really is the best piece you’ve written so far. Very well done.
I'm very intrigued by the subject matter here, it is huge for a short story, and you've handled it really well. it's very hard to tell a story with political involvement without 'telling instead of showing'.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to be careful with these kind of stories, if you have to explain the political situation, some readers can give up! I really enjoyed how you opened with the sound of the radio and the father's reaction, and the radio kept updating you.
The best example of great writing, for me, was when the internet signal went out. Very much Showing and not Telling, and it made me feel very nervous for your character!
Also, maybe spend a little more time on the dad's death, happened very quickly!
Well done!