Complications after complications. One problem leads on to another. You can’t cope any longer. You can’t take anymore. Many times you have heard the phrase ‘life’s a bitch’ well, the bitch strikes again.
You thought you could handle it. You were wrong. You thought conning a gangster wasn’t a big deal. You were wrong. But thinking you could get away with it. Big mistake.
There will constantly be a pair of eyes watching your every move. You can run but you can’t hide. You will always be seen. You can’t trust anyone; so called `friends’ will stab you in the back, and will desert you so that the enemies can contort the dagger your friend left.
But you didn’t think of that, did you? You thought you were never going to get caught, well now open your eyes, around each and every street corner there is a thug watching, waiting, hunting for its prey, you. You will never be able to escape this nightmare, there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. You are trapped. And there is only one thing you can do about it. Surrender. Give up. Die.
There is a certain line between danger and death, what side are you going to step to? Choose carefully, there will be no turning back. Choose danger and live a life of constantly looking behind your back. Constantly on the run. Constantly fearing for your life. Constantly feeling a horrendous chill down your back. Get close to anyone, and they will be wiped from your life. Forever.
But time is running out and you will have to make your move. The world is turning against you, piece by piece. You are lost in life’s games. It isn’t too late.
They will find you. They will rip your guts out. They turn you black and blue. You will never see the sunrise again. Your eyes deep blue portray an immense amount of panic.
The banging of the door is battering your ears. Your time is about to end. The last of your critical seconds are disappearing, fast, taking your life with it. Tick. So what is your decision? Tock.
It’s too late. You are too slow. The banging at the door has stopped, but are you still safe?
You’re not. The door comes crashing down. Men that are taller than lampposts come buzzing through the door. Your mind has turned blank. You move your lips but no sound is coming out. The bigger man of the herd asks you the question you have heard ten times already, ‘Did you think you could get away with it?’ He smiles. His dark grim eyes widen. He raises his gun. You know what he is about to do. Your heart starts to beat faster. Tears of sweat trickle down your long face. Your hands are on vibration mode. There is nothing you can do. Nothing you can say. You’re surrounded by ugly bold faces. You take a breath. He aims. He shoots.
Now you’re lying on the cold laminated floor, standing over your limp body is the man that shot you. You can’t move. Your speech is slurred. You can’t feel anything. He shoots again. This time pain attacks.
Your sight turns from black to white to red to white and back to black….
Your senses have faded. Absolutely vanished.
You are dead.
hi Mechanical angel
ReplyDeleteAnother rich, rapid, driving monologue. Some of the passages seem a bit wordy, but at its best:
The banging of the door is battering your ears. Your time is about to end. The last of your critical seconds are disappearing, fast, taking your life with it. Tick. So what is your decision? Tock.
Your Voice drags the reader to dark but, crucially, deep places.
Keep your focus and strive every line for the poetryprose your talent holds.
peace
Hi, Mechanical angel
ReplyDeleteCool use of the second person, present tense. It's a tricky thing to control, but perfect for this kind of tension building, cataclysmic content. I loved the fear you built in this.
Watch out for things you can't really do with 2nd person. You're putting the reader in a particular head, so they see through the head, meaning stuff like:
'Your eyes deep blue portray an immense amount of panic.'
Doesn't quite fit - you can't see your own eyes without a mirror. Of course, their could be a mirror. That leads onto another point. 2nd person is good at placing us in a scene imediately, but here there's a lot of great menace, but not really a sense of where we are until someone knocks down the door. Try to describe the scene we're wittnessing first hand.
Be careful not to repeat stuff, such as in:
There will constantly be a pair of eyes watching your every move.
Constantly and every are giving us the same details. Also, lines like:
You can run but you can’t hide.
and:
there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
Give us a similar repetition, and are a bit cliched. You have some cool details, like the men as tall as lamposts (I loved that), so it's clear you can bust out the good figurative when you need to. Trust in your skill with that instead of relying on what you think people should say in that situation: stuff that TV or other stories have already done.
This is a great passage, by the way:
But time is running out and you will have to make your move. The world is turning against you, piece by piece. You are lost in life’s games. It isn’t too late.
I like how the images bounce off each other, making a move, piece by piece, life's game - those area really tight group of echoes, but they're not overstated, so create a kinetic pace by using sympathetic lexicon in short statements. Very cool.
It's been great to read your stuff. Good luck with everything in the future, and hope you keep enjoying writing,
Andy
Heya,
ReplyDeleteGreat use of the second person present tense, very vivid and interesting subject matter. It felt very much like a film ( maybe have a go at writing a script for fun and see how you like it?)
Really enjoyed it, only (small) criticism is to be aware of cliches. 'Life's a bitch' was fine, because you played around with it. But things like never seeing sunsets again, friends stabbing you in the back, these are cliches of that genre, so whenever something sounds too familiar, try and play around with it!
Well done!
Thank you all for your amazing comments.
ReplyDeleteYou have all helped me improve my writing skills and I thank you with all my heart.
Have a fantastic future.
(For the last time)
Mechanical Angel :)