Its only a minor changed based on a really good comment made by the moderator.
The cascades of sweat seemed unanimously destined for doom. With every facial shudder the thoughts of rescue anxiously fled. The teardrops sped mournfully towards what most called ‘the trickle’. Every single one was destined for the trickle, the fall, the everlasting dive towards obliteration.
Everything was quite tense in the abortion clinic. Everyone seemed calm compared to her. She whispered harshly to herself, cursing and occasionally taking huge bites out of the skin by her fingernails. Her thoughts almost came up like cartoons in her eyes, jagged and graphic, jet black ink welling up in her tear ducts. She spat carefully into a tissue, as her capillaries bulged round her nose they slightly resembled the winding purple lines on the pages of the Rutland A-Z. The only thing that mysteriously contradicted her tense aesthetic was her hair, her hair hung loose. The hair was the thing, the thing that sparked interest, her hair shimmered innocently, and it graced her shoulders bouncing elegantly framing her eyes and cheeks perfectly. This juxtaposition provoked anger in her abortion room comrades; their jealousy orbited her, why? The mob couldn’t understand why she had time to get pregnant and do her hair. She couldn’t be desperate and beautiful, the room seemed to heat up with silent conflict, and this adopted truth cornered her and was about to seep into her flesh before her name was called for her consultation.
The cascades of sweat seemed unanimously destined for doom. With every facial shudder the thoughts of rescue anxiously fled. The teardrops sped mournfully towards what most called ‘the trickle’. Every single one was destined for the trickle, the fall, the everlasting dive towards obliteration.
Hey Naboo,
ReplyDeleteI think that you've interpreted the brief really well here. There is plenty of narrative potential within your piece, with the obvious suggestion of an interesting back-story, and yet you have not allowed yourself to get hung up on the events of the story. Instead, you have explored the internal landscape of a single character in a particular context, and I think you've done a wonderful job.
Like Liz, I was particularly keen on your treatment of the girl's hair. Your use of repetition works very well indeed, and I think that you use this aspect of the character's appearance to open up a whole range of complex issues. You suggest that the girl is seen as having a duty to display her internal distress to those around her. She is expected to perform her anxiety like a character on stage, and to put on an acceptable costume. That she fails to do so produces hostility in her "comrades," who do not understand how she can be both "desperate and beautiful." There is a very strong feminist undercurrent to this sophisticated take on womanhood and outward appearance, which I applaud. Great stuff!
You've also taken some real risks with this piece - the opening and closing paragraphs seem particularly experimental. I think that this willingness to play with language is very impressive. These tasks are pushing you to explore a whole range of different things, and I believe that this will really help you to develop as a writer.
Helen
Hi Naboo,
ReplyDeleteIt was really great reading this another time with the added paragraph/stanza at the end. The first paragraph and the final one now act like a pair of wonderful book ends, providing this piece with an added sense of unity.
Liz
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry I've taken ages commenting. It's really good to come to your work again though. This is brilliant stuff. Your description, which has always been cool, is fantastic here. Also the repetition of the opening is so effecting - it shows the rest up as a digression, a little escape from the reality of things, and then a return to that deep image. Really well done.
Just for the odd thing, I would say that your descpition is powerful enough not to need to rely on any extension. Occaisionally you use words like 'quite' or 'everything' 'huge' which sound commanding on their own, but are actually less cool than what you already have there - great, tight observations, charged with a real tension.
It's easy to see your commitment to your work in this piece. Well done again, good luck with anything you're doing, and take care,
Andy
This is exceptionally advanced writing, and I agree that the two 'bookends' frame it nicely too.
ReplyDeleteWithin the main body, I think you are at your best when you eschew overly florid phrasing or over-complex vocabulary (e.g. "...that mysteriously contradicted her tense aesthetic") in favour of the more raw approach that dominates most of the middle paragraph.
And I adore:
* the description of her nail biting
* the jet black thought cartoons
* the Rutland A-Z simile
* "The hair was the thing..."
* "She couldn't be desperate and beautiful"
Well done indeed!