He did it. His hands gripped over my neck so tighly, almost like a lion preying on its victims. He squeezed and squeezed until I could feel my pulse stopping steadily. His hands crushing me like heartbreak. I could feel his emotions through his physical violence. STOP. Iknew he was angry, I knew he was upset. Yet I was finding difficulty in breathing. The sun was smiling down on me, yet I saw no reason for hapiness. I though he was my way out, my light, my life. Yet who would hrut the ones they love, unless they never loved at all? Certainly him, yet his love wasn't real, his love was the sultanas in an iced bun - unwanted and unneccasry.
He got less violent towards the end, maybe his emotions had drained out a little? He had always kept me trapped. He was jail; me his prisoner. Me a padlock, him he key. Without him I was locked up, with him I was. There's no way out. HELP. I could feel his weakening, loosening him gun like grip on my neck, leaving marks on my neck like red ribbons. He gazed deeply into my eyes, sad and innocent. I remeber it was his puppy dog eyes that attarcted me to him int he first place. Yet looks are so decieving. How could I have been fooled so easily? I looked at him with a blank expression. Even our surroudings could feel the tense atmosphere around us. He smiled, and walked away. Just gone. I failed to take in what has just happened. Physical abuse and then walking away like the bigger person forgetting everything we went through together? That's what he always was reffered to as. 'The bigger man'. So from that day onwards that's all I can remember him as.
As for me, I'm still my own padlock. Locked up tighter and securer than ever. Him? He wasn't my key after all. I'm still looking for him.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSorry it's taken me this long to comment. I think to make this most powerful you might look at the last two lines and explore the excellent metaphor there. Also, perhaps, focusing on one detail (like the misleading "puppy dog eyes"- great!) would strengthen the narrator's description. I found myself too often being distracted by some of the softer similes. The ribbons, the sultanas on the bun. (I think you've used this image before - nothing wrong with that, in fact I remembered it because it is fresh and original, but you need to find the right place for it.) These images don't seem to match the intensity of the situation.
Whereas, the previous piece worked so well because of the ambiguous nature of drowning; this works less well because the violence is immediate and the images and pacing seem to dilute this.
It's ceratinly a difficult scene to write. Perhaps something less poetic (although again the images are excellent) and more rawly descriptive would work better.
Good work, just not up to the high standards you've set. Understand it's a busy time, though. Good luck with everything.
Hi Sugadust,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. This is more narrative than your last piece of work, I think. This is about emotions and relationships, whereas your previous piece felt more like a stream of images and sensations. It's almost like you did the tasks the wrong way round!
I do feel that your use of imagery is less impressive in this piece, and that some of the writing and presentation is a little haphazard. It is difficult to make sense of lines such as 'I could feel his weakening, loosening him gun like grip on my neck,' for example.
However, there is still some great stuff here. I think that the opening - 'He did it.' - is particularly strong. It is a compact, punchy sentence that instantly intrigues the reader and encourages them to read on. I also liked the idea of the abuser being remembered as the 'bigger man' too. You neatly explore the possible double meaning of this phrase, by introducing ideas of physical (rather than moral or emotional) strength. It's all interesting stuff, so well done!
Helen
There are, indeed, some difficulties with tense here, and rather too many typos for comfort too. But there are, also, definite areas of strength. I just think that, as the others have said, there is a lack of consistency of style here. For instance, I like the jail imagery, but it clashes with the softer stuff.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a better idea would have been NOT to choose exactly the same track as last time? Had you gone for an entirely DESCRIPTIVE piece based on one of the tracks from 11-20, the piece might have been more successful. What do you reckon?