Rob hoisted the sail of his body by means of a rock and a well-hooked foot, and stretched. He felt the familiar, long-forgotten need to test his limbs, to make sure they would do what he asked; his body seemed somehow alien, treacherous, when it didn't do as he expected. He stood with one sock plunged in the wet soil as he arched his back – the vertebrae clicked satisfyingly. He looked up at the slate of cloud, receiving a drip in the eye which quickly became a full-on faceful of storm; the mud spluttered from his T-shirt and jeans, revealing their drenched, too-dark blues like photographic negatives. In a moment, his skin was the only thing about him that retained its original colour. He shook the blur of his hair: his waterdrops were lost like bullets through trees.
Clamped to the ground by his unbooted foot, and cautious near the edge of the river, he reached for a rhododendron bush; its secret leaves shone rain-light on his hands. Rob braced his knees and heaved. Strength coaxed his foot free; backwards-slipping half a yard for every yard gained, in ten minutes he had regained his wellington. It was firmly wedged. Jiggling it in its suck of mud loosened its affection for the soil, but in balancing to slip his foot inside, something slid; and Rob – finding gravity malicious – lost balance.
Hi Penny!
ReplyDeleteWow what a great piece. I really liked how your opening got straight into the action without any unnecessary waffling and it worked really well in setting the mood for the scene.
The varied punctuation was impressive with good use of colons and semi colons and I particularly like the - in "-finding gravity malicious-" it worked very well.
I liked your uses of metaphors when you were giving us little details to form images in our minds; "vertebrae clicking satisfyingly" and " alien and treacherous". Fantastic!
I really enjoyed reading your piece and learning some techniques that will definitely make my writing much better . However I feel that if more alliteration was used it would have made it go a little bit higher.
Also, when you wrote "and he see", did you do it on purpose or is it a grammatical error?
Overall I think this is a fabulous piece of writing and you should be very proud of your work.
Thanks for sharing
Bye
Shiningstar
Hi, Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your very kind comments - your eye for moderating is great! The suggestions are very pertinent - I agree that more alliteration would tie it together better, and I can only apologise for the embarrassing typo... I meant "he saw", of course!
Thank you again, and looking forward to your next piece.
Penny
Thanks. I'm glad that I was able to help.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Shiningstar
Hi Penny!
ReplyDeleteI really love this. I think your use of personification was really and overall effective: "finding gravity mischievous". I think descriptive writing is your real strong point, you are on point and relevant without the need to digress. This is definetly something which makes your writing really stand out and is orignal.
Your repitition is also great! "Finding gravity malicious", by repeating the personification you instantly draw loads of attention to the real strong areas of your work. Not many people feel confident enough to do that so I was impressed as it was so blatant!
There's not much to improve on in my opinion, mmaybe going a little with whta Shiningstar put across and add a little more alliteration or maybe even shorter sentences once in a while to alter ur syntax. Overall I REALLY loved this... you have tremendous potential. Thanks for submitting this Penny! :)
Hey Penny,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sugadust and Shiningstar; a really strong piece. It does the one thing that I find exceptionally challenging which is to get straight to the heart of the scene.
Your descriptions are littered with repetition that make the writing seem even more 'alien' and 'treacherous'. Each description of every object seems to have a very 'smug' and 'rhododendron' life of its own, which is an amazing thing to capture. Your piece has an easy flow to it which I love. From a swift 'drip' of rain to a 'faceful of storm' within a sentence is something I definitely can't do without writing for sentences. (:
I got a little confused towards the end, wondering where he had reached in his short journey. Was he by the house or had he just ended up where he began? Maybe I'm just tired. XD
Great piece all in all, with very fantastic punctuation.
Hope I've been helpful,
E.