I had my eyes closed. I could hear birds, a dog, and, distantly, the train. My hands were bound to my front, my knees and ankles were tied together and my shoulders and hips were wrapped up and knotted to the tracks. A snail began to crawl on my face. I cursed at it and tried to turn away, but it persisted. I blew on it through the side of my mouth. It paused for a moment, retracted its antenna, and then continued to undulate towards my lips.
‘I’ll eat you,’ I said. ‘I'll crunch you up.’
But it could not understand.
It reached my upper lip, and then stopped, making a moustache of itself.
‘I’ll get you once I’m untied,’ I whispered.
By this time the train was clearly audible. I began to sweat heavily, which did something to persuade the mollusk to continue moving. It seemed we would meet our end together. Though, of course, it could well survive. I wished it luck.
‘Peter,’ shouted Frederick. ‘I’m here – you’re...’
The rest of what he said was lost to the train’s whistle. He began to untie me.
‘A snail crawled over me,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry – I’ll get you out soon.’
‘Where did it go?’ I said. ‘Has it moved under my ear?’
He was panting too loud to hear. He cut the knots around my shoulders and hips with a knife he carried, and dragged my still-bound form onto the gravel beside the track.
I laid there while he caught his breath. He pressed a cigarette between my lips, and though I didn’t want it, I could hardly resist.
‘How can you let them keep doing this?’ he said.
‘I don’t let them.’
He shook his head. ‘We let them by staying here,’ he said.
I wanted him to feel better. ‘You were very fast with the knots,’ I said.
He put his hands in his jacket pockets and wandered his gaze across the sky. The train roared by, shaking the rocks around me. I winced.
Frederick cut the rest of the ropes and I stood. As I looked down to the tracks I saw the snail, curled up and clinging to the side of one of the sleepers. I picking it up with my thumb and forefinger, carried it to the grass where it would be safe, and sat down beside it, crying.
Hey, Andy
ReplyDeleteSorry you had to wait a while for this.
I think this is a fabulous piece and it fits in with the music.Your first sentence really works well because it sets the scene and makes the reader want to read on and find out why that person had their eyes closed.The images you create throughout the piece are great, such as "my hips were wrapped up and knotted to the tracks" and "picking it up with my thumb and forefinger..." I like the way in which the conversation goes because it flows and you can picture in your mind what the two characters are going through.
However, when you wrote "how can you let them..." who are them? Maybe you could tell us a bit more about who these people were.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and it was great! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thank you for the comments you have been giving me and I hope that my comments were helpful.
Take care,
Angel_K
Thanks - that's ace to hear. I'm glad you liked it, and you're dead right about needed something more to draw us in to who 'they' are.
ReplyDeleteIt's a pleasure to read your work, and I'm happy to have had the chance to share a little bit of mine with you.
Take care,
Andy
Your welcome and it would be really nice to read some more of your work.
ReplyDelete:)
hey andy,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece for many reasons.
Firstly I love the way you create vivid imagery, for example the whole snail scenario reminded me of a 'Baz Luhrmann'ish type of plot, which (in many cases) can go from bad to worse with cliche metaphors and cringe-worthy hyperbole, however the simplicity combined with the originality in this piece rules cliche out completley. The sheer fact you have chosen to write in this genre is a credit to yourself on its own!
The only minor personal problem I have is the ending. I feel as if it lets us down when compared with your (quite frankly) amazing skills that are paraded earlier in the narrative, it seems as if our main protagonist has suddenly developed emotions, whereas earlier in the piece he seemed somewhat delirious, however as I said, this is a personal opinion.
Hope this helps,
Carlsberger.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteCheers for that. I like that you appreciate the melodrama of it, and I think you're right about the ending not quite fitting with that. There is something that either needs to be introduced earlier in the character, or not introduced at all.
Thanks - that's definately a help. Take care,
Andy