Her luscious hair dazzled him, surrounding him completely. The way her soft, golden locks oozed into the pale blue sky seemed to him, like a friendly needle piercing his skin and infecting his mind. She got hotter with each passing cloud giving this beauty her own way.
The intensity of her kiss made him blush and shiver with delight. She licked his face, teasing him, leaving marks of love on her admirer. He adored her eyes, and as he stared at her, she stared back politely with a warm smile on her face, leaving him numb to everything else around him
She is of immense perfection, but there is an evil in her, messing with his head, heading for the kill. He lay on the cement floor, staring at her, and little does he know she's eating at his eyes, trying to burn through to his soul. It's too late to stop her, he's already obsessed. So she digs her claws into his eyes, slowly, taking in every ounce of his pain, until she feels him stir; that's when she comforts him, soaking up every teardrop he has yet to cry, kissing his eyes until he surrenders completely.
Her beauty is truly mesmerizing, but she is no longer in control, her pretty hair is torn to shreds and the clouds start to choke her, all wanting a piece of her until she's hidden in their love. That's when the spell is broken and he realises she's torn his heart apart, true love is really blind, and his world has turned to black.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I missed this, but I'm really glad to have spotted it now. Sorry you've had to wait for comments.
Great stuff. You play on staples of love's rhetoric in a fantastically brutal way. The track fits well with your Samson-esque blinding, as does your excellent control of grammar and figurative language. 'Firednly needle' especially made my toes curl.
The play of the tantilising and the horrific is done so well so that both seem somehow traumatic and at the same time soothing. It's disorientating whilst being precise. Awesome/
There's so much encompassed in yuor language, though occaisionally you do more work than you need to. For example 'leaving him humb to everything else around him' could do to end at 'everything else' - this way you get rid of there being to 'him's in a small space, and it still works. Similarly, and to use the same section, your original adjectives are ace, but having a 'warm smile' maybe gives more than we need. Just the 'politely' gives us the warmth and meekness before the storm.
This work shows a great deal of your bold writing style, but with an increased level of control and precision. It's great stuff, and the seriousness with which you take improving your work makes me look forward to the next piece.
Take care,
Andy