The barrage of pleasantries from Mother Nature were constant, consistent yet comforting, her soft-silk touch of excellence seemed to carry on throughout the whole area. The trees were heavily laden with blossoms and petals of her younger children, the wind was as welcoming as a family to a newborn. Mother Nature left nobody as a pariah in this neighbourly community, but it seemed that she need not worry as they were all as close as siblings. The proud, pleased and playful parrots conjoined together as one unit to challenge the mighty, mellow and miraculous mice to a game of hide and seek. Whilst the mighty, magnanimous, majestic lion stood proudly as the strongest, fastest, biggest second in command at the top of Kingdom Hill. The hares and rabbits strolled over the constant green grassland and would often come across clumps of beautifully formed roses and camomile that varied in colour changing from the awe-inspiring spectrum of a never ending rainbow.
The trees seemed to make way for passing travellers, as the healthy, thick branches quickly yet carefully opened up respectfully to the pathways that lead to the hidden beauty within. The woodland society often visited this “hidden beauty” and they all say that it is aesthetically pleasing in many assorted ways. They even welcomed us, the tired, weary, smelly, and not jolly travellers searching for an area that would induce our creative juices and hopefully find peace. I think we’ve found it.
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. It's great to read a piece that is so playful, and so in love with language. You seem to be having a lot of fun here, especially when you play around with alliteration. The 'proud, pleased and playful parrots' and the 'mighty, mellow and miraculous mice' help to make this piece feel mischievous and lively. It’s a joy to read!
The world you create feels vivid and magical, like the illustrations in a children’s picture book. The way that you consistently group your adjectives into bundles of three – ‘mighty, magnanimous, majestic … strongest, fastest, biggest’ – adds to this sense of childlike wonder, and makes your submission feel vibrant and dynamic.
I only have a few queries about the piece. First of all, why is the lion ‘second in command’? He is usually seen as the king, and in your piece, he is standing on the top of the hill as if he’s a leader. I assumed that it was because the humans (or more specifically, the creative writers!) are seen as the ones in charge, but perhaps you could make that a little clearer?
I also think that you could do more with colour. After I finished reading your piece, I had the immediate impression that it was full of bright colours, but when I reread it, I realised that the only direct reference to colour was the bit about ‘the awe-inspiring spectrum of a never ending rainbow’. Perhaps you could make reference to specific colours to further emphasis the joyful, almost hallucinatory feel of the woodland setting that you have created?
Thanks again for sharing your work.
Helen
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThe images here are vivid and jostling - this piece really gives the sense of abundance and vigour. What's so original about this is that you describe a supposedly peaceful scene in such vigorous language that it almost attacks the reader - in a good way...!
In fact, I wonder whether there is a little TOO much in these two densely-packed paragraphs - by the end of the piece, we'd experienced such a rich tableau of images that the end result isn't really one of "peace" after all. I think it depends on your audience - as Helen says, it gives the effect of a children's book with the magic of the writing, but perhaps an adjective or two could be cut so that it's a little easier for the reader. Perhaps there's a bit of tautology in some of the descriptions - "conjoined together" is almost the same as "as one unit", so I would just cut "as one unit". Similarly, I think "weary" suggests "not jolly" to the reader - it's good for the reader to have to do a little work to figure something out, as long as the clues are there, which I think they are. Just some suggestions, anyway - I think this is highly distictive and really good fun to read. Well done.
I love the vibrancy of the whole piece, and the sensual saturation achieved by your rich vocabulary and florid use of alliteration. It reminds me of the creation of Narnia in C.S.Lewis' 'The Magician's Nephew', which I am currently reading to my kids - and even has a lion in it too!
ReplyDeleteHowever, as is always the danger when really having fun with the power of language, I wonder, too, whether it is a little too crowded with linguistic sweetness to work completely. Kind of like a dessert with just TOO much sugar in it.
The secret with writing is, in my view, balance. The skill you show in this piece is impressive - but next time see how you can temper it at times. In addition, this will also provide more contrast - which is always a good thing! :)
Life, Hi.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading this piece. It reminded me of a piece of travel writing, but to a really extreme 'Narnia' like place. And I can see how there can seem to be 'too much sugar' in this, but in a weird way I thought that this was one of its strengths - that there was almost too much, but not quite. I also liked the parrots/mice description, but when you come to the lion, you may have to change his descriptions from (majestic, etc) to 'l' words, in keeping with your earlier descriptions, or it does really seriously break that 'fairy tale' like imagery.
You do also need more colour descriptions, and I too got a strong sense of colour when reading this and on re-reading saw only the reference to the rainbow. Do you need to describe colour by telling us the colour of the parrots or the colour of the rainbow spectrum, or merely suggest, and trigger memories of colour whether real or imagined, that we already have in our minds?
I would really like some descriptions using the other 4 senses - taste, touch, hearing, smell. You mention 'camomile'. This herb is really sweetly scented. Perhaps you could start here.
The whole thing made me think too of that 'letting go' quality in some of Salman Rushdie's writing!
Well done. I really enjoyed it.
Best wishes
ann g