As he tenderly touched the keys producing a calm, tranquille, melodic sound, a shiver ran down his spine. It was beautiful watching him on the old leather chair, striking chords of which I had not heard before. The piano played along with him. They were at one with eachother, no body was to come in between them. Soft rays of light reflected off the patent piano and onto his face inhancing his soft, delicate features. At last he had found himself within the piano.
The audience were still. Nothing could be heard apart from the echoing of the piano's notes. No one dared to speak. Everyone was captured by the pure, intense sound pertruding from the instrument. It was absolutley compelling watching him play. He had put everyone in a trance, he had captivated the minds of every ear within the hall.
How was he doing it? He only had small, stumpy fingers and yet they extended the more he went on. Such talent had never been recognised before as he played and played and played. He was expected to recieve a standing ovation after all the hard work he had put in. And bloody hell, a standing ovation he did recieve. Women wiped their teary eyes as men stood up without hesitation to reward this lad with cheers and applause. Of course he did not stir, it hadn't affected him that everyone was in awe after the performance he gave. He elegantly stood up, took a bow at centre stage and walked off.
Brilliant work considering he was ten years old!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteTh descriptions are excellent as always. The old leather, the patent piano, your use of light.
Only a few tired phrases and some over-explanation which I'm sure you can find.
The general idea of the artist as a vehicle, not so interested in the applause, but the oneness with his/her music being most important is worth exploring in a longer piece.
The only quibble I have is with the ending. On the first reaading I was struck by the pianist's "stumpy figures." Their extension as he plays is a fresh, almost magical idea. Brilliant.
In a fully grown person this would be a disadvantage and could provide much depth to the character. What other disadvantages has he had to overcome? Making him a child prodigy (not common, but not rare enough to make me too interested in him), I think, limits the piece.
Consider thinking about the characterisation. It could turn a promising start into something full of deeper possibilities.
Good stuff here. Thanks. Hope to speak with you on the 15th.
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteI would also highlight some adjectives you use here, which are striking, eg the 'patent' piano: that's really lovely. Also the detail of the 'small, stumpy fingers'. Be aware though that 'more adjectives' does not automatically equal 'more descriptive'. Sometimes you get the most powerful writing by paring a passage down and allowing only a few, striking adjectives to stand out. So for example, I think 'calm, tranquil (note spelling by the way), melodic' is not particularly helpful. The first two mean the same, and 'melodic' is after all only what we expect from a tune. There's nothing 'wrong' with these adjectives, but I think it's good to be aware, so you can guard against overburdening your descriptions. Also, giving every noun an adjective can often slow the pace of a sentence, eg 'soft rays... patent piano...soft, delicate features' - in a way, the power of 'patent' stands out less because of this.
I would also agree about the ending and the revelation of his youth. I get what you're aiming for with the 'twist in the tale', but it doesn't really offer the reader extra food for thought, just means we have to reconsider the image we've already built up. If you're going to spring surprises on the reader, I think it's best if they force us to reconsider the meaning or emotional resonance behind the piece. This is already a lovely decriptive passage and in fact, you don't really need an extra element like this 'surprise' factor.
Well done with this!
Claire
I agree about the ending, which twist I don't think is necessary for a task such as this.
ReplyDeleteElsewhere there is some strong description, although it often lacks the originality of some of your earlier work. For example, "it was absolutely compelling watching him play" seems rather pedestrian; and I am not sure how any tune could captivate the "minds of every ear"! In addition, to resort to "he played and played and played" seems rather a copout, or, at least, somewhat simplistic in tone. And your "bloody hell" jars anachronistically with the rest of your piece.
Don't get me wrong: there is lots of good stuff here, but I am not sure it is you at your best, and some of your spellings do not help either.
Humour me, perhaps, and see if you can dazzle me with Task 28, when it comes along: the final task of this academic year?