His head now lay in the soft patch of grass, as if it were a moss-covered pillow deliberately planted there to cushion the impact. The remains of his body however, lay scattered across the rest of the forest like some impossible jigsaw maliciously prearranged for the police to solve.But with one piece missing.
The trees stood unstirred and untroubled; in perfect harmony with there surrounding neighbours, apart from the strange creature crouched down beside a bright red rock. Slowly rocking back and forth, the creature gently grabbed the rock as if it were some prized possession destined to disintegrate if not grasped swiftly. But as the furry hand moved closer, the rock began to beat and slowly throb, now resembling its previous state rather than the nature inflicted object it had become. The creatures eyes widened at the sight of it; and as the heart began to beat more rapidly, regret was injected to the very same object that lay beside him but was instead embeded in his own chest. His body was anaesthetised by the realisation he finally knew what he was looking for. What he had lost all those years ago: A heart. Essentially, this was the missing part of his puzzle, the puzzle of emotion. The puzzle of his life.
p.s sorry the ending is a bit weak but i couldn't think of something powerfull
Hey, Sparky.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's taken so long for me to comment on this. I'm glad to read it now - you've woven something really intriguing out of that track. Well done.
I like that your narrative has a god-like sense of an overarching narrative - the idea that the narrator knows that the first figure is scattered across the forest with 'one piece missing' and that the 'creature' misses a heart. It's such vivid, fairytale stuff, but told in such a dark way. I like it a lot.
I do think that you're finding a tone here that you could develop more. I realise this was just a task of response to music, but I think you have all the ingredients of a full story here is you did want to follow your own logic through. I'm really curious about the creature and how it came to find itself heartless for example.
You maybe need to watch what you're signifying in some sentences. For example 'Slowly rocking back and forth' could be the creature or the 'rock.' I freer writing sometimes it feels right to be more ambiguous with your words, but you do need to be as precise, instead conveying that freedom in your subject matter and your imagery.
Your imagery and subject here are great stuff though. Well done again, and take care,
Andy
I think you are attaining a new-found maturity with your writing here, and I think that, if you compare it with your earliest tasks, you, too, will notice the development of your craft. So well done you!
ReplyDeleteIt is intriguing and menacing, whilst, at the same time, peaceful and quite beautiful, and I agree with Andy that there are the germs here of a longer story.
And it is full of outstanding phrases and images too, too many to mention.
Fantastic stuff.
(Just be careful of your their/there homophones... :))
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteReally good stuff. I too liked the idea of the god like narrator and felt that this way of writing allowed the reader to see into several different areas - into the forest, into what lay on the ground and how it got there and also into the mind of the creature.
I would have liked to see more digression on how the scattered pieces of the body could be made to fit back into a recognisable shape, and the narrator could do this and wonder too at the ferocity that led to the body being strewn in the way that it was.
One sentence 'Regret was injected to the very same object that lay beside him but was instead embedded in his own chest' is a bit muddled for me. I think you are saying that regret is inside the heart he holds and is now inside him as he looks at what he has done. You may need to write more on the creature's realisation and what he has discovered within himself to really bring the meaning out here. Then your ending should be strengthened by what the creature has discovered accidentally.
But well done for a strong and really original piece of writing.
Best wishes
ann g