Sitting there mesmerized at the site of two becoming one, that jig saw finding its own piece that window finding its glass; it was brilliant, exhilarating, empowering. It made me forget all the worries that had happened in my long life time and just think about this moment, this particular moment not the past not the future just now. In all my years of searching and not finding that ‘Perfect’ harmony it suddenly seemed to me that I had finally accomplished my goal even though it was a lot later then planned.
I had been there three times now; I would sit here from 7.05 until 8.55 just watching them play. Every time I came they never noticed me, they would just focus their total being on their instruments and each other, nothing else. These were the first 2 people I had sat and watched that I felt as though they weren’t doing it for their parents, or the people that expected it from them they weren’t even doing it for themselves. They were doing it for each other, to be with each other. That made it magnificent.
Sat there on their tattered chairs that looked as if they had been dragged around the world with them, they both placed their fingers in the right positions and played like I had never seen or heard before. The sound was perfect, their vibe was perfect, and they were perfect. But yet they couldn’t no it, no one had told them. In their world it was just them 2.
I wanted to be part of the unison. But I new that would never happen that was a duet that I could never sing along to. My whole life I had searched for what these 2 15 year olds had not fame not fortune but happiness. Something I never developed until the later stages of my life when I first heard them. What they have they must not let go of.
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to read more of your work. Thanks for posting. I think that this piece is really charming, and I enjoyed reading it very much. I think that the watching narrator, who finds him/herself excluded from the union, is very endearing, and you could totally develop this character more. I would be interested to find out about their life story. Have they had their heart broken? Are they perhaps a musician themselves? You've managed to arouse my curiosity, which is a really good sign!
Some of the writing is lovely - I like the idea of a 'window finding its glass,' and the 'tattered chairs that looked as if they had been dragged around the world.' There are a few sloppy mistakes, especially near the end - 'no' should be 'know,' 'new' should be knew - but it's nothing that a good proof read wouldn't sort out. I would recommend using words rather than numbers, too - 'the first two people' rather than the 'the first 2 people' - but that's not a big thing.
I think it would be really nice to see the two musicians through your narrator's eyes. We see the chairs, but not the people on them. Think about things like hair colour, build, and clothes. As a reader, I would like to get a sense of these teenagers as physical beings, rather than just enigmatic music machines! You could also develop the music side of the piece more, and talk about the sounds your narrator hears. It would give you the chance to be quite experimental and poetic with your writing. You're more than up to the challenge.
Thank you for sharing this lovely bit of writing.
Helen
I agree with Helen here - this is charming and often highly refined descriptive writing, in which you manage (yet again) a totally unique take on metaphor in particular, and show yourself to be a thoroughly unique voice.
ReplyDeleteI, too, would like to know more about the two teenagers - what they look like, how they behave - and also, maybe, a couple more hints about the narrator themselves?
And I think that proofreading is SO essential, as it would have ironed out the handful of typos which you didn't need to make and which inevitably weaken the piece a little in the end.