He had his green gummy earphones inserted into his oversized jug ears. Promenading down Oxford Street with a constant stride, like a child exploring his surroundings. A soul gone astray, he looked like as if he had not a care in the world but to find truth in his existence. This is how he did it. The Blues Brothers helped him incredibly so, blaring into his oversized jug ears, reminding him that someone felt the same as he did. His mind was elsewhere, stuck in another world where nothing existed but itself.
Sauntering by ‘Next’, he gave a steady press for his next song; ‘Rubber biscuit’. Altogether how he felt. A pointless, useless and utterly unsatisfying man with no meaning that he could find. His bag jumped in a continuous motion up and down from his back, revealing every second a large and moist sweat patch on his rear. Staring at every petty ant on the sand hill made him sweat even more. He was singing now, bringing what he believed was an equal harmony to the words of fire from the Brothers themselves. Eyes stared, pupils widened, eyebrows raised. Nothing bothered him.
McDonalds. The breeding ground, an untiring place where people steal a moment from life to consume a burger. He wondered why people did it, why to waste away life in such a pathetic way, why they even bothered. Music still flared from his iPod into his oversized jug ears. Wires were starting to appear now. People started to point, the one thing he was so used to. As a child he accepted points and stares that felt like needles, all to be avenged for now. His iPod was still blaring in his oversized jug ears; the Blues Brothers would help him to prepare.
For some reason I feel like as if I've lost the feel for 'descriptive' writing. :/
ReplyDeleteI'd really appreciate comments this week. ^^
E.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSorry about late comments. The piece is excellent. You may just be feeling a bit of burnout - understandable at this time of year. So good job getting this in.
Your submission have all shown that you have real sense of what you want to say and how to say it. Such a strong voice in a young writer is rare.
First, the minor things you might look at. Perhaps using some lines from the Blues Brothers songs (he could sing them to himself maybe) would provide enough support for your great images - just as the title "rubber Biscuit" prompts his self-appraisal.
Initially I liked the repetition of "oversized jug ears," but after a few readings it seemed that it wasn't punchy enough. Perhaps a bullying taunt/refrain would work better.
The line McDonald's. The breeding ground ...." is superb. Gritty. As in your other pieces I'm reminded of the great Raymond Chandler. Don't know if you've read him, but he's certainly worth a look.
The only places where this falters a bit are the extended explanations (as after the McDonald's line) when you don't trust your images.
You should certainly trust your descriptive powers. All writers have periods of doubt in the best of times. Summer's almost here. Hope to talk with you on
July 15th.
I'll check in more often now, so please let me know if these comments aren't helpful enough.
Yes - I agree that your turn of phrase and unique voice lend themselves very well to strong, distictive descriptive writing - in fact, I'd say this is some of the strongest I've seen from you! The image of the bouncing bag, the eyes "needling" him, the "greeny gummy earphones" - these are all excellent and evocative.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that I think needs some looking at here is the ending - endings are almost always tricky. I feel that you've set up a brilliant scenario here, but I would like to feel a little more of a denouement by the end - has anything changed for the character? Has he realised anything about himself, or perhaps - more likely - about those who watch him? That they're ultimately separate from him and he compounds this by isolating himself further through listening to music rather than interacting, perhaps...
It's a tall order in a short piece, and perhaps what's already here is complete enough in itself - maybe something to bear in mind, though. I really enjoyed this, though, and you really don't need to worry about your writing - I mention the ending only because the rest of the piece is so strong! Well done
I have to agree, this is a very strong piece of writing and you shouldn't be fretting on that score! You have a natural sense for finding fresh ways of expressing things, and conjure images very vividly. I like how you bring us instantly into the scene with the initial really strong image of the 'green, gummy earphones' - it's almost cinematic, like a close-up on this walking figure. Also the description of his sweaty back - I feel you really imagine yourself into this scene and keep a keen eye out for its details.
ReplyDeleteI would also agree that if we're going to be picky about what is a really good piece, (a) the ending could have some more resonance or 'closure', and (b) you don't need to linger on a point, e.g. 'why people did it...why waste...why bother...', or 'his mind was elsewhere'/'stuck in another world'/'where nothing existed but itself': these are three ways of expressing more or less the same emotion. Keeping it down to just one would, I think, increase the power.
I'm really pleased for you, though - this is accomplished, even better than usual!
Not much I can add really, following such detailed comments from the others, but I, too, like the cinematic style you adopt, and the image of someone plodding down the high street is exactly what I picture too.
ReplyDeleteThe Blues Brothers link surprised me, perhaps because it jars with the music of Track 18, and so maybe some lyrics MIGHT help to contextualise that somewhat.
I love the description of the bag as he walks; the anthill metaphor; the penultimate sentence of the second paragraph.
I do feel a trifle let down by the ending, but then endings are SO difficult, and the impetus for this piece was supposed to be description rather than plot, so I wouldn't fret.
I just wish we could boost your confidence, because otherwise your lack of it seeps into your writing (as in the point about McDonalds mentioned by pugnax above)...