A man of freedom, peace and equality, he was. Bricked off from the vultures of society for far too long, temptation overrode his irreproachable subliminal being, a fateful decision. Leaving his armoured bunker he perambulated into a cosmos of epic, flawless almost sycophant society.
A life spent obeying orders had left him wanting, needing, begging almost for a premier appearance. He wasn’t scared of anything by now; he didn’t know anything to be afraid of since he hadn’t seen the light of day on his own before, his people were far too protective for that, they had good reason to be too.
As time passed his confidence grew to an extent that, for once in his life, he felt accepted. He could walk down the street without anyone noticing his presence; the contrary of what he had been lectured. Understandably his blood started to boil over, his pace increased, the steps grew louder. The grin tried to enter but was denied such a privilege, a decision that would come back to haunt him.
With heinous proportions, a heartbeat, a click followed by a crisis meeting from lead to skin, to flesh, to bone. As the crimson explosion made its debut, it was greeted by a protest full of irony and false intentions, anarchy reigned, the once tranquil cosmos has been set ablaze by the fiery depths of hell. What was once a cranium had been turned into a pink mess strewn across the flawless tarmac.
His soul was long gone by now, watching down on his assassin quietly fleeing down a dimly lit alleyway, a grin suitably fitted was stretched across his face. Innocence wasn’t what the grin was looking for anyway. Today it wanted a more destructive result and that’s exactly what it got. Temporally nonplussed, the grin sank back into the skull.
Hello Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteThis is natal piece of narrative pursuing now familiar themes. The difference here (to your previous efforts) is the metaphysical debate your character seems to be having which is really quite sophisticated.
You seem to be interested in the re-birth of your character, his emergence from womb-like environs, even if this is eventually denied to him as the title implies, and the problems of dualism (cf. Descartes). The mental contusion is made visible by the snipers bullet.
Your vocab is impressive anyway but I wonder how much a few phrases relating back to those ideas (internal vs. external) would add to the overall effect. One way you could achieve this is by extending your grin image.
'The grin tried to enter but was denied such a privilege'. This is an incredibly strong image/metaphor that I think you should weave into the structure as a whole. Relating to that, the very last sentence is also truly excellent. What goes before it in that paragraph however is quite 'telly' in comparison and seems amateurish - a problem you will encounter as your writing improves, as it obviously continues to do.
Having said that I think you need to lose the first sentence as to me it sounds like Yoda from Star Wars is narrating.
Some of your phrases are also quite awkward, 'the contrary of what he had been lectured' and 'as the crimson explosion made its debut' for example. Make sure that you continue to make improvements to grammar and technical elements alongside pure ideas and style.
I take it by 'premier appearance' you mean something akin to a starring role. Maybe you could clear that up.
I hope you keep working on this as it has the potential to be one of your best pieces of work.
Hope that helps,
S.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI agree - this is some of the very best writing I've seen from you, and as you've gone from strength to strength, it's great to see that you continue to push yourself. Some of the phrases here are magnificent: "With heinous proportions, a heartbeat, a click followed by a heartbeat" is particularly deft - you're controlling what the reader knows, and what can be surmised, in a masterful way. The alliteration works perfectly, too.
Like Simon, I would lose the first sentence because - aside from the unorthodox syntax! - it spells things out a little too much. As readers, it's nice to work things out. "Bricked off from the vultures of society..." is a great way to start the piece, too - just as strong as the last image.
Just watch your punctuation and grammar here and there: in the first paragraph, there should be a comma after "flawless", and I think it should be "sycophantic". Personally, I think a plain full-stop would work best before "they had good reason to be" (and I would lose the "too" in this sentence: this means the gravitas of the narrator is lost to a sort of colloquialism).
Great sci-fi tone and concept, but I think there are a couple of moments at which the writing just tends towards melodrama: this is usually when the words you choose are more commonplace ones, like "a decision that would come back to haunt him". Just watch the moments like this. I always think that in order to avoid cliche, you should ask yourself if you think you've heard the phrase before, and if so, don't rely on it - think about what the phrase really means, and then think of a new, original way to convey that familiar feeling to the reader.
A great piece, though, and very well done over the year - I've really enjoyed reading your work. Have a fantastic summer!
Penny