He did it! At last she was gone, and it wasn't even quick and painless, that was too good for her. I made sure Jeff took carefull attention ensuring she suffered for as long as necessary. But now, alone in this cell, all he keeps doing is blaming me. Talking at first but now he's in full flow shouting so much countless drops of spit have thoroughly conditioned my hair. He doesnt realise im there of course, he never does, even now shes out of the way my existence is only acknowledged when he needs to comfort or reassure himself. I didn't individually tear out the strands of her hair, I didn't dislocate her jaw (unfortunatley), I didnt even pull the trigger yet, according to him, its all my fault.
* * * *
She sat there bound to the chair, not just by the tatty ropes tied around her wrists and ankles but by the simultaneous hatred emmited from the both of us. I watched as he began to reconstruct her face ignoring her desperate cries. Starting with her hair Jeff slowly worked his way down this blank canvas recreating a piece of art, designed by me. But by the time he reaches her mouth, guilt and rationality begin to settle in. "NO!!" he screamed, "what am i doing. shes my wife?". Dissapointed he couldnt finish the job alone, I steped in to help, reassuring him she deserved it. Minutes later he was finished and as we stood back to admire our finished product, pride and relief fluttered within my body. This was it now, although still breathing she could no longer do us any harm as her resemblence to freddy kruger even suprised me, not to metion the officer that found her. I can clearly remember what he had eaten for the past week as the contents still lingers on jeffs shoes: porridge followed by garlic chicken kievs topped with hageen dazz.Vanilla flavour...
* * * *
So you see I didnt actually do anything to hurt her. Not phyisicaly anway. I mean I couldnt even if I had wanted to. Jeffs asleep now finally. I am standing over him watching his chest rise then collapse in such perfect rhythm. He says hes goin to blame me, say it was all my fault...bit hard when i am fate,controller of Jeff's destiny.
P.S sorry its 34mins late :)
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteQuite a description of a violent end by a cruel murderer!! Were you inspired by the screaming??
This is an interesting piece, the idea of fate as a person, well, someone who has hair, anyway.
Perhaps,if you wish to keep your narrator as fate, then he needs to stand right out of this as an observer only. He shouldn't get involved with the murder, shouldn't show hatred, encourage Jeff, shouldn't have designed the violence done to Jeff's wife's face or feel relief at the death of Jeff's wife. Because if you include fate becoming involved in these things, then he seems to take some sort of form and that makes me think there is someone else in the room with Jeff, or that Jeff believes there is someone in the room with him. And this is difficult for me to keep believing in, when fate is such an abstract idea. If you have to make fate physical, then the narrator may have to be Jeff, who sees him as a physical being, who believes in him as an actual, solid being. (I hope this all makes sense!)
There is cruel and graphic violence in this and I would like to have had some backstory from Jeff (or from fate) as to why Jeff had to kill his wife in such a cruel way. Why was he driven to such an awful act? If no backstory, then the writing becomes just writing on graphic violence.
And an interesting way of describing a disembowelling by showing the results on Jeff's shoes, although, if she were tied to a chair, then would the results not be on her own lap?
But an interesting original approach. And interesting when fate stands over Jeff in his cell, watching him. Perhaps fate is another aspect of Jeff's character that has become detached from his psyche, that has taken some sort of physical form in Jeff's mind, that he can see and can describe? You could keep fate in there in this 'physical' form if Jeff sees him, if he is given physicality by Jeff. But the trick for you then is swapping narrators from Jeff and back to fate, so he can observe Jeff's actions. You could do this, but it would have to happen near to the beginning, unless you varied the narration between the two of them. I don't know!!! But it is a great challenge and the results, if it is pulled off, could result in a very strongly felt, punchy, visceral piece of work.
Good luck with it!
Best wishes
ann g
Hey Sparky,
ReplyDeleteWow, a slightly disturbing piece i have to say... although this was probably what you were going for. It is extremely violent, and in some places (such as the end of the first section) may be unnecessarily so. Is there to chill the reader? If so, it is very effective.
An interesting concept, to create fate as a figure, although perhaps some rewroking may make it slightly clearer. It seems to be rushed at the end, in an attempt to quickly tell the reader that it is fate talking. Maybe adding another section may make it easier for the reader to get to grips with the narrator as a concept, rather than a person. However, I do love the way it is unclear who is speaking untill the end... ok, so I'm being slightly confusing, but basically, I like the fact you don't know who is speaking, but it may need another section so that the reader doesn't remain confused even after knowing who is speaking.
i love the description of the woman being tortured. It really makes me uncomfortable, which is what i love about this piece! It adds distance to Jeff, which i feel means you can be horrored at the violence. It makes Jeff appear cold, as does the narrator, with the murder being described as a "job".
This is a chilling, graphic, wonderful piece of writing! With some working it could be truelly amazing!
Kat
Hey, Sparky,
ReplyDeleteSorry I've been so long getting to you on this. I like how different everyone's interpretations of the music is, and I expected someone might take the harrowing approach. I think that you've managed it well.
I know you've already had some good, thorough feedback. I should just say tatthe concept, of fate's voice, is great and that the idea of a fate that speaks and can be blamed is done well. I do feel that you've set this up like a riddle, as a lot of writers do when personi fying something, and that's really good, but it means your final line needs to be delicately handled.
Here you'r offered the 'bit hard when I am fate' almost as a P.S - but the rest of your tone, that ace, blank voice, could give us the idea more subtly, and maybe be less glib. Other than that I'm sure you're proud - not just with the tone, but with the fact that you've kept a good, tighter control of your grammar and spelling on this one. Well done. Hope you're having an ace summer, and look forward to seeing more,
Andy