Opening 7:
This opening stuck out to me mostly because of how the writer uses very little descriptive language which then evolves into meaningless talk. I like this effect because in everyday life, you do not really notice these conversations, but for the main character the conversation is vital. The description does not tell us much on where the character is, which leaves us to search and use our imagination to make a guess. I think these skills are good because it keeps the reader entertained and it makes them want to read on. I have tried to follow these points in my own opening.
Confused
Where am I? Why am I here? I look down to see my beautiful white silk dress, stained by what seems to be my very own blood. That is not what shocks me...I see It torn and I see the bruises. My brain stressed and unable to figure anything out...I do not guess the obvious. Pain struck my body in sudden surprise that I yell in agony. I yell and scream still nobody helps. Passing strangers stare In resentful accusations but what exactly had I done? I see something, which seemed to look like a gem on the wet surface I lay on. I reach and then stop In utter surprise. Green bits of paper lay In a gleaming bag, money, I had found money....I got up and ran till I saw somebody. It was a man who looked very rich and obnoxious. I spoke hesitantly....
“E-e-excuse m-m-me”
“What do u want? You...You thing,” he bellowed not even looking at me. Then he looked. “Oh hello there miss, I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Oh no It’s ok...” I paused. “Do you know where we are?”
“Yes where In old Cromway street...you ok? you look awful?”
“Yes just a bit flushed thank you. Bye”
I stood still frozen. I did not recognize the name of the street but then a stranger-I think-came up to me. He called me Samantha but I had no clue that he was.
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere, where have you been?” he said politely.
“Sorry I must have wondered of.” I answered in politeness even though I had no clue who he was.
Part of me felt safe and secure with him so I followed into his black Mercedes.
Hi Sabz. I'm going to discuss your comments on the original opening first, then take a look at your own attempt.
ReplyDeleteI recognise this opening as I actually read the short story it is taken from last year. It's quite an entertaining read if you ever get your hands on it.
Your annalysis of the opening needs to be a little tighter, I think. I get the impression that you have picked out the right kind of things, but perhaps haven't expressed them clearly enough.
“the writer uses very little descriptive language”
– Look closely. The descriptive language is there, but it is straight to the point. The ‘drone’ of the plane, the ‘warm dripping’, the ‘broken’ nose and ‘swollen’ eyes, the ‘colourful mixture of spit, snot, urine, vomit and blood’. The opening has a lot of descriptive language, but it is all very condense and embedded into the action. You are correct in saying that there are no long-winded bits of description to slow the reader down, but this doesn’t mean there isn’t much descriptive language.
‘meaningless talk’
– Why do you think the talk is meaningless? It is very conversational, but that doesn’t make it meaningless. The speech is used as an important tool to let the protagonist ask some questions which help the reader as well as the character understand the situation a bit more. The contrast between the controlled, polite speech and the bloody mess the narrator is in is very effective in creating atmosphere, don’t you think? I wouldn’t call it meaningless – you say yourself that the ‘conversation is vital’ to the character.
‘The description does not tell us much on where the character is’ – The ‘drone of the airplane engine’, the flight attendant, and the fact that they ‘touch down’ at the end of the passage lets us know pretty effortlessly that they are on a plane. The thing we don’t know is where he was before, and where he is going. That helps create suspense and mystery for the reader, and as you rightly say, means we have to use our imagination to make a guess.
Your Opening –
You have captured the sense of confusion very well. Be careful not to over-play it, though. Sometimes less is more. As with the opening you looked at, the reader can work out where the protagonist is right now, but is left in the dark about where she came from and where she is going. Her clothes and her bloodied state gives us clues about what has happened, but there is a lot of mystery still, especially with the strange yet familiar man at the end, and this all makes us want to read on. You’ve also added some conversational speech in which helps with the sense of confusion and the woman’s isolation, just like in the passage you looked at. I think you have done well in recreating the effects you picked out in the original opening.
(Just a quick question, though: why have you capitalised all the ‘it’s and ‘in’s?)
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteFrom what you’ve said about opening 7 I think the aspect you seem to have concentrated particularly on is a desire to create a fierce sense of uncertainty and disorientation. You have certainly created this in your extract, so well done for fulfilling that intention! The reader feels dislocated and worried for the character who awakes suddenly to find herself in a blood stained dress.
You use dialogue very effectively...you pick up on speech patterns and the details of sound that can so often be missed. Well done for doing this. The one line of dialogue I wasn’t convinced by was when Samantha says: ‘Yes, just a bit flushed thank you...’ It seems an unnatural response because of its tone, and doesn’t seem to fit in with the violent contemporary atmosphere you’ve created.
What worries me about the narrator is that she seems so helpless and subjected to the forces around her. She seems to have little control over her life or situation - which appears to drive the action of the story - but, if this were to sustain itself as a longer piece, the reader might want to see her in a more active way. She is the main focus and therefore in order for us to remain sympathetic to her, we need to see why she became like this.
The black Mercedes at the end seems to encapsulate this feeling of dread that builds up throughout the extract, and is very effective.
Well done for building up such tension and uncertainty!
Liz
Sabz,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other moderators in that you've really succeeded in giving your readers a strong sense of confusion. I like how you keep your main character's dialogue very polite, even though she has no clue what is going on. It feels very true to life - human beings so often would rather play along than admit their confusion.
There was one point, however, where I felt this didn't work as well. I'm not sure why the main character answers, "Sorry, I must have wandered off" (by the way, proofread!!) when she clearly doesn't know what's going on. I think this might have been playing along a little too much, but in a longer piece you may be able to justify it.
Finally, please check verb tenses in your opening. Do you want action to take place in present tense, or past? Your verb tenses often shift, sometimes in the same sentence, so be careful.
As an opening, you've definitely succeeded in the most important thing, and that's getting your reader to want to read more, so congratulations and keep it up!
Maria
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteYou've had three great comments already, so I will try not to repeat anything that has already been said!
I really liked this opening too, but I agree with Sophie in that you could have made a bit more effort with your analysis. Did you skim-read the opening? The narrator tells us exactly where he is, "I'm in the back of a plane", and the flight attendent tells him, and the readers, that he will soon be in Chicago. Whilst I agree that there is a lot of mystery that compells the readers to read on, we are given a lot of clues.
In prose, just as with poetry, no words should be 'meaningless', and I disagree that this opening desecends into 'meaningless talk' - as the readers know nothing about the narrator or their situation, everthing we are told helps us to piece together the story.
In your own opening, you have kept the mystery going well, like you intended, well done! You give the readers clues without explicitly telling them what is going on. The reader still has lots of questions to be answered at the end of the opening, which will make them want to read on.
I'm not quite convinced by the dialogue, it seems a little stilted, and the dialogue tags jar with the scene, why is everyone so polite all of a sudden? If there was a women bloodied and screaming in the street with a bag of money, i think there would be some more urgency.
I like the ending of your opening, it is ominous and no one really knows what's going on, good job. I would want to read on to find out what happens to the characters.
I think that you've tried hard and it's paid off, you've done well, and I look forward to reading your next task!