Opening 6
I love the opening to JD Salinger’s novel. It is the strong, but at times rambling, voice of the narrator that I have tried to recreate in my opening. The sense of someone trying to get to the point and giving too much information. More information than the reader needs.
BS
I knew it would end like this. Don’t read me wrong, I’m no quack. I don’t believe in conspiring stars or pissing off the residents of heaven. I’m talking about foresight, not of the supernatural kind, just the logical rational human kind.
Do you remember that first time you wanted to stay over? I said it wasn’t a good idea and you pushed and pushed for an answer until I told you it would end badly. You came in anyway, push your way into everything you do. Everything. I think about that moment often now. I should have shut the door on your face; we would have saved them all the hassle. The tears, the screams, the violence, I mean Jag would still be here wouldn’t he? So much has happened since then, but you know, that moment there, that was the birthplace. The beginning. And neither of us realised it.
See. I’ve done it again. Bullshit, verbal diarrhea, gibberish crap. Bloody weeks of mental and physical prep it took me to get the courage to write to you. Physical, because I scoured the shops for the perfect instrument, this might well be the last time you ever hear from me. In the future, you might want to sell all this stuff and a cheap biro just won’t do, it’s hardly the stuff of Christie’s. Mental, well because that’s what I’ve become in the quest to get your attention. You’re hard to get hold of, I suspect you know that, or perhaps that’s even what you want. Never thought I’d be the one trying to find you. You weren’t ever a hider. Something else I’m probably responsible for. A liar, manipulator, lover, friend. Murderer. Anyway, I’ll get the point shall I?
I’m dying.
Hi Chocaholic,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have done well creating a character through the form of a letter, well done. You've grasped the first person narration well and give your character a unique voice and I am left wanting to know more about them and their situation.
I think that you draw the readers in well, giving tidbits of information without fully explaining, as would be realistic to a letter to an old friend, for example, 'it's hardly the stuff of Christie's' indicates to me that one of the people involved is famous, an interesting twist to your story!
I also really like 'something else I'm responsible for', this is so intriguing, especially when followed by 'liar, manipulator...' as there are lots of hints but no definite answers.
You introduce a character of Jag too, I assume him to be dead but I'm not sure, and this is really good, as I would keep reading to find answers to the many questions that arise in your opening.
The opening of 'A Catcher in the Rye' establishes a strong sense of character through a first person narration, as you identified in Part 1 of your task, and I think that you've tried hard and done really well.
However, I don't think agree that that Salinger is 'rambling'. 'Rambling' implies that what he is making his character say is not important, which is untrue. Just as in poetry, every word in prose counts, and no sentence should be able to be thrown away. Saying this, I don't think your own character rambles either, despite their own admission. OK, maybe a little bit in the first paragraph, but apart from that, what you say illuminates the characters and the situations, their histories and experiences.
I don't think that the reader's are given too much information though, if you think so, perhaps you could have expanded this point - you only used 50 words to justify your choice and I think that you should have explained your thoughts more clearly.
You leave the reader on a cliff hanger, a nice touch, as it will leave them craving another chapter. I think this a really good attempt at prose, and I look forward to reading Task 35!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWell - you made me want to read your novel. There are no openings that spring to mind that have quite so many inviting details; maddness, murder and imminent death are guaranteed to get someone's attention. They certainly got mine.
Anyway - I should mention your critique of Salinger first (well spotted, by the way - I hope you've read it. If you like it I recomment 'Franny and Zooey' with avengence). You're right that there is a seemingly uncoordinated nature to Holden's voice, making it all the more satisfying that everything he says is significant in some way. You've picked up on it well in your own piece.
Your narration really does sound spoken - well done with that. I realise that its form is meant to be that of a letter, but the fact that you have a clear voice serves the piece really well. Speaking of voice:
Bloody weeks of mental and physical prep it took me to get the courage to write to you.
I like that it has a largely English tone to it. I love Salinger, but it's often a bit disconcerting so read pieces from other English admirers who feel that the best way to express themselves is as an angst ridden American from the fifties. There's nothing wrong with a different voice to your own, but that particular one's been taken - I think you've done a good job of adapting it.
Your suggestions of details are good:
I said it wasn’t a good idea and you pushed and pushed for an answer until I told you it would end badly.
In this case, you can break up the release of information; so here you could have a full stop after 'answer' then 'I told you it would end badly' on its own. It stresses what's important. It's tricky when you're addressing someone that knows what's happened, so I admire that you've held back from saying too much - the suggestion is enough. Well done.
I also like your self-correction. 'I’ve done it again' is a great bit of undermining. People correct themselves, and I like your inclusion of it. You should be careful not to overcorrect, maybe, cos this is a letter.
I think there's a word missing here:
I’ll get the point shall I?
But good hook.
If you were interested in further editing, think of how you could break this up:
Physical, because I scoured the shops for the perfect instrument, this might well be the last time you ever hear from me. In the future, you might want to sell all this stuff and a cheap biro just won’t do, it’s hardly the stuff of Christie’s.
into simpler sentences, revealing information more gradually and hightlighting what's important.
It was really good to read this - I look forward to your next piece of prose. Take care,
Andy
"just the logical rational human kind." - not sure about the repetition of "kind" here, as it kind of jars. How about: "something more logical, rational maybe..."?
ReplyDelete"I mean Jag would still be here wouldn’t he?" - this is fantastic, and makes us desperate to find out more. "Show not tell" done expertly!
"Physical, because I scoured the shops for the perfect instrument, this might well be the last time you ever hear from me." - you need to punctuate this afresh to make it work properly. Do you see what I mean?
As for the ending, it seems a little too much, I fear. You've kept so much back, and then it is all undone by those two words, leaving the suspense and tension dissipated. Remind me to lend you "Tomorrow" by Graham Swift (which I am reading at the moment). It is a first person narrative which consists entirely of a mother letting us know that she will be breaking some massive news to her children TOMORROW - and yet 200 pages in and I am still to learn what the news is. Tension is everything - but it is so easy to lose. Be careful.
All in all, this is great writing - and maybe the confines of the task (such a short word limit) were to blame for the ending. On the one hand, I am clearly looking for a powerful finish; but, on the other hand, I want to be left in sufficient dark to be desperate to read on. A tricky equilibrium, I reckon.
Great stuff, chocaholic!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about the opening of 'Catcher in the Rye', but you could go a step further with your annalysis. Why is it that Holden says more than is needed? Does it help build up a picture of his character? His mind state?
Your own opening is very good, and mimics the style of Sallinger's very well. Be careful not to spell-out what you are doing (e.g. 'See. I’ve done it again. Bullshit, verbal diarrhea, gibberish crap') just let the reader see for themselves what is happening. The ending of your opening is very effective - you've made youself a great little hook!
Nicely done.