My favourite opening in this selection has to be J.D Sallingers 'Catcher In The Rye'. I like this not only because I have a substantial emotional investment in the book, but because you get to know Holden within the first few words, his graceful neurosis shines off the page and his more than apparent self involvement allows the audience to realise his depth and his quite blatant flaws.
The opening also starts off the one sided conversation with the reader that ultimately the book is. It creates a lovable, annoying and sympathetic character that is one of the most real in any book I have ever read.
A montage of my fall swirled in and out, focusing and blurring simaltaneously. Even things I had only imagined started to become the most vivid nightmares, tearing through my consciousness. A peaceful trickle of life had turned into a stream and then into gushing rapid, my bones ached for movement, my teeth yearned to chatter and my mouth moaned to mutter and yet, it simply didn't happen, it couldn't happen. I remained stationary until June the fifth two thousand and nine.
"Quick, it's Ben!"
I pushed out of my bed, and grasped the window sill as I collapsed. The woman beside me giggled with a mixture of delight and shock as she helped me back onto my bed. A stream of urine fell and splashed the woman.
"Roberts! Get a Foley now! And tell Aziz while your at it"
It was then when i realised that there were about fifteen people peeking round the door, awestruck, some grinning, some just observing. The woman then turned to me.
"Sir, do you know who you are"
"Am i Aziz"
"Try again sir"
"Ben"
"Thats right, Ben. Do you remember your last name"
"Aziz?"
"No, not quite. How about i come back after you've had something to eat?"
It was then when, i felt it, the hunger. I doubled over and dry wretched for about ten minutes, by which time there was a pale gangly asian man standing in the corner of the room. "I'm Ben Aziz" i muttered.
He smiled at me, and conjured up a clipboard.
"Come on Ben, Let's walk"
"the lady says i am not allowed to leave"
"come on, you'll be fine with me"
"I'm pretty hungry"
"well at the moment you're on baby food but i'm sure you might be able to lay your hands on a kebab in the next few weeks, as long as we liquidise it first"
"Thanks".
We circled 'James Wing' for half an hour talking about nothing , he seemed clever and interesting. I found out that his name was Aziz Akram. He also told me that it was good that i knew my name was Ben but that he wasn't allowed to tell me my last name and that i had to work it out for myself. That was when i passed out.
Great stuff, Naboo!
ReplyDeleteThe opening of 'Catcher in the Rye' is one of my favourites, too. You've picked out many things about it which make it a great opening, and I agree with everything you have said.
Your own opening is very good, and reflects much of what you have said about Sallinger's opening. I particulally enjoyed the subtle, dry humour. Just a little nit-picking though: you don't need to write 'then when' (you wrote it twice), you could choose either of the words, but don't need both. I would suggest just using 'then'. Also, pay attention to your punctuation. Don't forget full stops at the end of spoken sentences, and don't forget to capitalize 'I'. It's these little details that make your work look all the more smarter, and therefore all the more proffessional.
I loved this line:
"my bones ached for movement, my teeth yearned to chatter and my mouth moaned to mutter"
You write very well, Naboo. Keep it up!
Hello again Naboo. I'm afraid I can do little more than agree whole-heartedly with Sophie; both part 1 and 2 of this piece are astonishingly mature, assured, professional and evocative.
ReplyDeletePart 1 very confidently critiques Sallinger's writing, and your enthusiasm for this novel is never in danger of being merely impressionistic, but rather you outline your various arguments in favour of the novel in a very organised and accessible manner.
But the majority of my praise has to be lavished on your own opening, which absolutely blew me away. Your first paragraph is a vivid, lovingly constructed tapestry of images (and I can only agree with Sophie that "my teeth yearned to chatter and my mouth moaned to mutter" is a fantastic line) which is contrasted very effectively with the stark and horrific realism of the subsequent hospital scenes.
Indeed these hospital scenes represent your real forte, in that you have such ease at developing empathy for your characters within the reader, and the harsh realism of "I doubled over and dry wretched" felt so real to me that I would have to describe it as one of the most horrific sentences I have read in a long time.
But what compliments the evocative horror of these scenes so well is how effectively it contrasts with the humour of the scenes. Indeed your ability with humour is illuminated stronger than ever here, as it is hysterically funny, but is very subtle, and is very much human comedy, rather than being two-dimensional or contrived. Therefore while it is funny, it is also very moving as well, and renders Ben a highly sympathetic character, in exactly the same way as Sallinger does with Holden. Indeed the dialogue throughout is very believable, for example I feel "I'm sure you might be able to lay your hands on a kebab in the next few weeks, as long as we liquadise it first" is one of the most believable lines of dialogue I have heard for some time; it is obviously a humourous line you have constructed and worked on, but it doesn't seem contrived and it doesn't even seem written...it just seems real.
I'm aware that most of my comments are impressionistic rather than strictly analytical and I apologise for that, but I really can't see what I could complain about (except for the very moot issues that Sophie has outlined) and I can't really think how to analytically reinforce my positive impression of the piece other than saying that it just seems refreshingly natural, indeed more so than many published novels I have read,
Well done again,
Eoghan
Hi Naboo,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Maria, and I'm going to be moderating your work this spring.
I was very excited to see that you chose the Catcher in the Rye opening for your example! Salinger is my prose hero. Have you read Franny and Zooey yet? If you haven't, I highly recommend it!
I really appreciate the harmony of revealing and concealing information in your piece. It feels very tight and thoughtful, and I am already anxious to know more about the characters. I really like the name guessing game that the narrator endures - it's a wonderful way to introduce your readers to your protagonist.
I agree that your first paragraph is intruguing and effective, but I have a few questions. First of all, is it necessary to include the exact date? Does it matter? Also, might you consider stripping down the language a little? If elaborate prose is what you're going for, then you've done it, but you might consider revising for a bit more clarity. I thought - especially for being the very first sentence of a novel - that the beginning was just a little too wordy. You want to capture your readers' interest immediately.
Finally, you seem to know precisely how to show your readers things rather than tell. With that said, I wasn't sure why in the final paragraph you told us Aziz "seemed clever and interesting." Especially if this is goign to be a longer piece, I think their dialogue in the hospital halls is worth writing out rather than summarizing. In fact, if the length of their dialogue is substantial enough, then there's your completed chapter 1!
It's been a pleasure to read your work, and I look forward to more. :)
Maria
I'm new to moderating your work; it's been a pleasure, and I hope my comments are useful!
ReplyDeleteFirstly; I like, everyone else, LOVE Salinger. If you liked 'Catcher' and haven't read his other works yet, then do it now! You picked up on a few ways Salinger's opening is so effective: the swift characterisation of the narrator through the distinctive first person voice; the 'one-sided conversation', or, in other words, the way the narrator explicitly addresses the narratee, instantly forming a close, engaged relationship; and the realism of the character, as developed through his flaws and foibles. All great qualities! I'll now use these as parameters for looking at your own work...
First off, like Sophie, I have to comment on various typos and grammatical errors: 'into [a] gushing rapid', missed punctuation marks, missed capitalisations (e.g. 'asian'), and so on. These are small errors, but if they were ironed out before submission it would have made this opening much more enjoyable and engaging. As it is, I was too busy noticing these errors to get fully drawn into the story... A shame, as there's some really strong writing here.
Unlike Salinger, your narrator isn't cock-sure and confident - instead, he knows very little about who or where he is. In this sense, it reminded me of James' Frey's opening (excerpt seven). I think it works really well, though - it still positions the narrator and narratee in a close relationship, as they are both struggling together to discover what's going on.
Like Maria, I'd agree that your descriptions can be wordy at time, and would benefit from some editing (e.g. 'the most vivid nightmares, tearing through my consciousness' could be pared down for a stronger, sharper sentiment). However, your terser sentences work much better - that stripped-back statement of 'I doubled over and dry wretched for about ten minutes...' is, as Eoghan noted, very effective. The final couple of sentences also have this minimalistic, almost detached atmosphere, and I think it works really well. A jarring contrast with the style of your introductory passage, though. Your dialogue is naturalistic and enjoyable to read, yet also carries the plot forward purposefully. The character remains more lightly sketched then Holden Caulfield, but this is certainly not a problem - you still introduce a conflict in such a manner that I, as a reader, want to read on to see how it is resolved.
All in all, this is a strong initial prose effort, and I look forwards to reading more of your work!