Opening 1.
For my analysis section of this task, I've decided to go with opening 1. The piece seemed unique in it's writing genre, the only way this author seems to be able to write. As the moderators probably know already, I never shy away from a bit of creativity. When I was researching this excerpts bigger brother, I found it had been compared to '100 years of solitude' by Gabriel Garcia Márquez (Love In The Time Of Cholera) due to its 'magic realism', as in when illogical scenarios appear in an otherwise realistic or even "normal" setting. The sort of contradictory 'simplicity' in this piece encapsulates me, and, to some extent, inspires me to create something flawless.
My opening.
I like to think the last thing that went through his head, except for that bullet, was the realisation of just of bloody insignificant he had become. The tyrannical beast that bullet had destroyed had no god-given place on this earth, I try to justify his existence sometimes, no, actually, The truth? I'm glad he died. I sometimes recite his final moments and have the odd giggle. It's all right, I justify it soon after with a full stop. I'm not mad, honestly, such hate comes at a price, my conscious deserted me a long time ago, my dignity was wiped clean and my empathy had been near enough destroyed. However I maintain what I did that night was right, the judge mightn't of, but I do. That should do, yes, that will do nicely. Right that's the who, now I'll tell you the what, listen carefully, I choose my words precisely and I do not repeat them. It ultimately came down to a contraction in my right index finger, the gun did the rest. He was my only rival, the choice was clear, black and white, night or day, get rid of him and I would become more powerful than I'd ever dared to dream of, I'm actually quite the pacifist, no-one suspected it was me, oh no!, only blasphemy would ridicule them worse. So then here I am, freedom doesn't matter no more. Fate decided to throw the key away long ago.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteSorry, but comp crashed just as I tried to post comment. It's gone! First thing tomorrow (liked it by the way)
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteI'm writing in Word now. Only took me about four crashes to learn. Anyway.
"Contradictory simplicity." Do you mean the challenge of creating a character with a realistic voice
"The truth? I'm glad he died."
and a unique poetic voice which, in this example, translates visual (as well as verbal) memory solely into verbal::
"I sometimes recite his final moments . . . .I justify it soon after with a full stop."
It is a difficult challenge, especially in an extended monologue, but I think you manage it well.
You do need, however, to take your characters advice:
"I choose my words precisely and I do not repeat them."
Good advice for any writer, but especially important for you because you often employ unique, unusual syntax and vocabulary.
"I'm not mad, honestly, such hate comes at a price, my conscious deserted me a long time ago."
"Conscious" as opposed to knocked out or subconscious would take us into sci-fi, tripped out Phillip K. Dick territory, and your previous poetry makes that a possibility. But I think you meant "conscience", which would make him a psychopath, but for the shred of "empathy" that remains. Such a narrator is possible, no matter how unreliable, and worth exploring. You need to be precise, though, and fully get into character like an actor. Here you have a highly intelligent and creative character who can be detached, poetic and angry in the same sentence:
"The tyrannical beast that bullet had destroyed had no god-given place on this earth."
He/she? can also slip into poor grammar ("doesn't matter no more").
Certainly a complex fruitful character that you'll have to work hard to control (or not control, while in control)..
Make sure of every word ("encapsulates" is brilliant if intended, as if the piece overwhelmed you) so the reader knows to trust and enjoy every unusual prose tic.
Good luck with it.
Hey Guys,
ReplyDeleteNot making excuses here, but as you can probably tell, that piece of writing was from from my normal self. I tried to just plough straight on through this prose task, however I found my creativity hiding in a deep dark crevasse, seemingly inaccessible, especially since it's so early on into the new year.
Hope that explains a few things,
Carlsberger
Amid the moments of typical 'carlsberger', this is great stuff. However, some typos and some confusing punctuation (or lack of it) make it a little less than clear at times. Also, I think it is CRYING OUT for paragraphing, don't you?
ReplyDeleteHowever, having read your subsequent comment, I am wary of being too critical - and I don't think you should be either. If you run aground with Task 35 and want to run it by me before you post, I am happy to help with the drafting process.
In the meantime, my favourite bits? The first and last sentences, definitely - which frame the whole piece brilliantly. Seriously. :)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYour commentary sets you up for some ambitious things in your own writing – “contradictory simplicity” and flawlessness are difficult things to achieve, obviously, and you’ve risen well to the task. This is a clever piece of writing – you have created a strong voice, and there’s an uncomfortable sense of humour that I really like, particularly with lines like “I sometimes recite his final moments and have the odd giggle.” Have you read “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allen Poe? The voice strikes me as a little bit similar in its professed sanity with actions that speak otherwise...
“It ultimately came down to a contraction in my right index finger, the gun did the rest.” This is a great line, and achieves that “contradictory simplicity” you identified in the extract. I wonder if “get rid of him and I would become more powerful than I'd ever dared to dream of” is a little bit more obvious; it’s a shame when the rest of your piece is so original to lapse to slightly more “stock” language to create mystery. The last line is powerful, though. I’m impressed!
Well done.
Penny