Opening 8
I found opening 8 the most effective out of all them because it made me want to read on. The technique of using show not tell was intriguing since you were never certain what was going on but you had a good idea even though the narrator wasn’t spelling it out for you. The metaphors and fragments added to the uneasiness which got across the dark tone of the opening. The second part gave an insight to the life of the character leaving us to infer that they are quite disturbed since it doesn’t bother them that they’ve just murdered someone. I found that this reminded me of the story of Jack the Ripper and I wanted to read on.
My opening
They were going to get her. I knew it. She knew. Everyone knew. No one said anything. No one dared. There was not point running away, they’d seen her. She began to walk, trying not to show her fear put her legs gave too much away; they were shaking with terror, looking like they were going to give in any second now.
The playground was full of people with the incredibly contagious disease of selective blindness; I was one of them. I was the one who stood in the corner of the playground observing everything and everyone who happened to cross my radar. I observed and didn’t so anything; didn’t say anything; didn’t move.
I thought about helping her but then that would mean that they would notice me; in a negative way and then I would next for the vultures to feed on. I thought about speaking to her but then she would think I was her friend and I couldn’t have that. I don’t believe in friends; that’s how she got in this mess in the first place; her ‘best mate’ betrayed her. She stabbed her in the back and then joined the vultures, making them bigger and stronger. If she’d been like me then lets just say she wouldn’t be a canvas for the vultures to do their artwork on. At least I can sit on a chair without wincing in pain.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYour analysis of "8" is a bit vague, but I think I know what you're saying. The selective information of "show don't tell" does make the reader want to know more. What did you think of the tone of the first paragraph? How much of an impact did it make? The first paragraph is often (but not always)intended to grab the reader.
Great interpretation of the use of fragments. It does add to the uneasiness. What in particular about the metaphors contributes to this effect?
A few examples needed and a bit more concrete analysis - but a good effort.
Your piece uses some of the techniques you admired in "8" but remains individual, unique.
The first few fragments create a breathless and anxious atmosphere. I especially like your use of point of view. The "I" is stuck between "They" and "she" - perfectly mirroring the narrative situation. The "I" is nearly omniscient, understanding with "radar" the entire situation.
There are excellent images here:
"incredibly contagious selective blindness" (though watch out for words like "incredibly" - it -just like my use of "excellent" for your images - doesn't add much to "contagious)).
My favourite sentecne is "If she'd been like me then lets just say she wouldn't be a canvas for the vultures to do their work on." Very fresh image. "Their work" is a bit vague but perhaps intentionally. The reader is left wondering if "stabbed her in the back" is a cliche or literal. The ending makes the reader wonder how severe the imagined "wincing in pain" wound is.
In general you need to tighten things up a bit. The use of "I thought about..." at the beginning of the paragraph is less powerful than the "If.." of the excellent last sentence. You'd already established that noone was going to help the girl, and the wavering "I thought" takes some of the tension out of the situation.
A bit more focus on each word, and more of the fresh images and this will be a good start.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI can see how the unreliable narrator of extract 8 has made you think about how to entice and compel the reader, and I can see this influence in your first sentence.
You establish a series of dynamics throughout this piece - the individual perspective vs the group. The first line is enticing as it feels like a threat, immediately striking up both tone and a sense of foreboding - which no doubt if you continue with this novel, would unfold. I like the choppy sentences at the beginning, it gives a feeling of anxiety which is interesting.
I agree with pugnax on the effective sentences in this, the ‘selective blindness’ the vultures, ‘let’s just say she wouldn’t be a canvas for the vultures to do their artwork on.’ At first I was a little unsure of the image of the vultures - as it is a very familiar image of carnage and destruction as you know - but the way you energise this image with the canvas is great. It might be a concept to develop throughout the novel?
To improve this, it might be a good idea to work on a sense of place. Though you describe the playground and the feelings evoked by being in it, I wasn’t aware of what the day was like, what time of year it is etc. It would be interesting to see your narrator interacting with others later in the book, because it will reveal a lot about their character, even if they interact reluctantly.
Keep going at it and working on the precision of your sentences....I’ll look forward to reading more...
Liz
Hi pugnax and Liz!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the vagueness of what I wrote for opening 8 since I do find it quite difficult analysing so your comments were really helpful. I think the reason that I was quite careless with my wording was due to the fact that I didn't spend as much time as I should have so hopefully my next task will be better.
Thanks for your comments.
Shiningstar :)
Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI think I need a few more hints as to who these playground characters are. The playground gives me a clue, though a vague one, because they could be anywhere from 6 years old to 12 or 13 years old. The narration is very mature for a child, though the story could very well be restrospective (an older individual looking back at their childhood).
With that said, I want to make it clear that you've succeeded in showing us the narrator's personality. I understand that they're an observer, an introvert, and that friends are not important to them. What I'd look forward to in the rest of the piece is understanding what has made them this way, what has shaped them into the character they are now.
One more thing you could work on is the showing and not telling in your piece. The narrator does a lot of explaining, and not many actions are shown.
Good work so far! Can't wait to read more.
Maria
I think the problem that I have is that because I know what I'm writing about I write as if the reader knows what's in my head so thanks for the comments because that gives me something to work at.
ReplyDeleteYou're pretty soaked in comments to date, so I won't add much. I really liked much of this (the several typos aside!), although I wasn't completely happy with the whole 'vulture' extended metaphor at the end (birds painting a canvas?). That said, the menace and ambiguity of your opening is very well done indeed. Great stuff! :)
ReplyDelete