Part 1
To me the first line of a piece of writing is the line that asks you ‘Do you care to go on?’ In this opening the first line was so blunt that I had to read the next 2 to see if it even got close to intriguing me. This technique in it’s self was amazing and that was a big part of what got me really intrigued. As I continued to read the opening extract it also showed me a structure that I had never seen before in a book (certainly not one that sir has showed us) so that intrigued me even more. I also found it very interesting that the mother was the second main character and she was not exactly the stay at home, cook, clean mother that I have seen previously. This is some of the things that drew me to this opening.
Part 2
It’s not really a big deal, after a while you pretty much get used to it, that’s what I would try to tell people when she turned up at the school gates with a multi coloured top, florescent jeans and moon boots on.
“Your mum is a right Character” People would say
What did they expect me to say, I’ve lived with her for 14 years I would have thought they had realised I had noticed by now. She hadn’t changed at all to be honest; looking back at the old pictures of her with my dad from the hippy days showed me that my mum was still the same nut job she was back then.
To be honest I didn’t mind that my mum was a hippy, an oddball, an absolute cracker because I new that deep inside; somewhere real deep inside she was doing it all for me, because I meant the world and more to her, well who else was there since my dad was taken. Surprisingly enough though I have always known that my mum was a bit weird, she didn’t cry once she didn’t even really seem to grieve. She just picked me back up and put the rest of her life into making me happy and fulfilling my needs.
But that was my mum, and everyone knows that that wasn’t really going to change anytime soon; not with her still being able to fit into her favourite orange cat suit anyway.
Sorry mine is so late, I had problems with my computer at home.
Part One
ReplyDeleteYou have pointed out some really important factors for most openings of novels. It is always important to entice the reader in straight away, grab their attention and draw them into the story. As you have mentioned, this novel certainly does this! Also, the stylistic differences of form that this novel displays is an important part of what sets it apart from different novels. The characters challenge stereotypes and appear to be what has intrigued you. Maybe it is important to consider the tone of the novel as well, and how that might interest a reader, maybe they can relate to the narrator?
Part Two
You have captured the unconditional love between a parent and their offspring perfectly. Although they may be embarrassing at times (some more than others in your protagonists case!), there is always an unbreakable love between a parent and their child. I think the extremities of your mother figure emphasises this well. I would be careful however, not to slip into stereotypes, don’t just rely on the stereotypical hippie to prove your point. You run the risk of creating a flat character, you need to pad out the mother with more qualities than those of a stigmatised hippie, give her surprisingly characteristics and make her seem more plausible.
Your register seems pretty consistent, it is always important to keep the character the same throughout the novel, and there is always the risk when writing in first person narration that a little of your own prejudices and writing styles will slip into the writing. You seem to have coped with this well though. You comment on how the first line of the story draws you into the opening, and yours certainly does this. Interesting piece of work, it would be interesting to see how you would develop the story into a story arc.
Shani,
ReplyDeleteIt’s great to read some prose from you at the start of our next semester with WordVoodoo! Hope you had a great break and you’re ready to get back into it.
I may be completely missing it, but I don’t think you identify which opening you were inspired by, but, nonetheless, your opening reminds me greatly of Nick Hornby’s, About a Boy. It’s his sort of plot, character dynamic, setup… it’s very similar. So already I’m impressed!
I agree with you completely – the first line of a novel is the most important, much like first impressions. They determine whether or not you want to read on. It’s the hook. I’m glad too, that you identified the difference in structure – we always assume novel structure is fairly generic, but often writer’s experiment and evolve into very unique styles. I hope you find many more in the future that you like.
I enjoy Part Two. I already like the characters, especially the mum. I like the voice of the narrator; the understanding, sympathy and respect s/he has for his/her mother (orange cat suit and all!). It is an enticing opening, and I think that with your identification of the importance of the first line, you’re well on your way to creating the perfect first line. My only suggestion is to make your first line a bit shorter, place the hook a bit closer to the beginning. I love the idea of it, but tightening it up will only make it more provocative and readable.
Good for you though for your first attempt – I’m confident that your talent will grow exponentially over the next couple weeks.
Keep it up!
Hi there Shani. The other mods have made some good points.
ReplyDeleteYou have made some very good observations about the opening you were looking at. You are correct in saying that the very first sentence isn't exactly gripping, but the next few really drag you in. Sometimes it isn't the very first sentence that hooks the reader, but the first few sentences, working together.
Your own attempt is very good. As the others have mentioned, I would suggest tightening up your first sentence and perhaps breaking it apart a little. Don't give the reader big chunks to begin with as these are harder to digest.
I admit, too, that I was thinking of Hornby's 'About a Boy' because of the hippy character/ son/ absent father set-up. Be careful that you don't let other ideas slip into your head and effect your writing even at a subconscious level. As Gina suggested, maybe by thinking outside the box a little for the hippy mother, you could set your story up as something new and refreshing.
A few little punctuation niggles that I wanted to highlight to you:
When writing speech, there are certain conventions for punctuation. If you are going to make an authorial comment about the speech, after the speech itself, you need to lay it out with a comma inside the speech marks. You also don't need a capital letter if the author continues like this after the speech because the author's sentence has not finished, even if the speaker's sentence has. For example:
'Your mum is a right character,' people would say.
And as for semi-colons, you used one perfectly the first time:
She hadn’t changed at all to be honest; looking back at the old pictures of her with my dad from the hippy days showed me that my mum was still the same nut job she was back then.
But other times they are not quite used correctly. Semi-colons are placed between two sentences that CAN STAND ALONE and still make sense, but are very close in subject matter or meaning. The semi-colon joins them closely, but it still seperates them as seperate independant clauses.
But that was my mum, and everyone knows that that wasn’t really going to change anytime soon; not with her still being able to fit into her favourite orange cat suit anyway.
This doesn't QUITE work because 'not with her still being able to fit into her favourite orange cat suit anyway' cannot stand alone as a grammatically correct sentence. However, you could have this as a sentence, but it would be called a FRAGMENT. Fragments can be used for emphasis. So I would suggest you make this it's own sentence, and it would therefore have more impact as a fragment. Does this make sense to you? I may be rambling slightly!
One last piece of advice I'd like to make is- watch out for repetition. You repeat the phrase 'to be honest' twice in the space of a few lines. It is fine to use phrases like this to build character and voice, but when using them very closely together it becomes slightly distracting and stands out.
Other than that, I think you've done a great job in re-creating the aspects of an opening you find effective. Great work :)