Opening 2
I think that Opening 2 has to be the most effective because it made me interested in the character and his family, it also made me want to read on! The technique used was to give less description but to keep it short, sophisticated and funny. The author also kept it to the point which didn’t make the story drag on. The writer didn’t keep suspense but it did keep me interested in a way that I wanted to know more about all the characters especially the mum. The mum had a cheek to make trouble and you can see how this is going to lead towards something else. I truly liked the part where it states some of her truly cheeky deeds like when it said: 'She hung out the largest sheets on the windiest days. She wanted the Mormons to knock on the door. At election time in a Labour mill town she put a picture of the Conservative candidate in the window.' This opening was truly humorous and was a joy to read!!
Lost
I woke up feeling as if the whole world seemed to tip beneath me. I opened my eyes to be blinded by the sudden brightness; I squinted hurdling the light. Eventually I opened my eyes, fully, but was taken back by the fact I could see an ocean rushing past at a birds eye view. To my realisation I was only looking through a side window, of an aircraft!!! Worst of all I was handcuffed to my armrest. Great!!I was shocked, scared and worried. I was only twelve at the time, my life had barely begun, but here I was in an aircraft handcuffed to my seat, yet I had no bloody idea why!!
I started to look around paying more attention to my new surroundings. A clear plastic screen separated us from the unknown black-clad pilots in the cock pits. One of the men peeped his small head through the rear compartment, seeing that I was now awake, made an inaudible comment to his co-pilot.
I was not familiarized to feeling nervous but I could not suppress the stinging sense of unease that was crawling through me. Stupidly, I started to try and release the handcuff. No use. I wasn’t going to escape, that was for sure! Anyway if I was to free my self where would I have gone, all that I could see through the window was an endless, furious ocean. It seemed all I could do was sit tight and wait to see where this mysterious journey will take me.
While the long flight continued there was still one thing in particular that was wedged in my thoughts. Who ever is behind this why did they want me, what is special so about me (except from the fact I’m in word voodoo) WHY ME!!
I carried on scrutinizing out of the window, hunting for a sign of where my destination was to be. At first I saw nothing but the ocean stretching interminably ahead of me, nevertheless something on the horizon appeared. It was a volcano and it looked as it we were going in there, at an awfully rapid pace...
I am so sorry it was late I had the most terrible fever!!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the inconvenience I may have caused.
I hope you enjoy my work. :)
Hi there lilmiz, I hope you are feeling better now! I'd blame the fever for the slip-up in your formatting: you seem to have copied the end of the first part of yours post at the end of the second part of your post (???)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you have picked out some very well-observed points about Opening no. 2. You even quoted my favourite lines from the passage. However, do you think you recreated the sense of intregue about the *characters* rather than the situation in your own opening? I thought your opening had more suspense and mystery to it. This would have suited Opening no. 7 very well, but it doesn't quite fit with the things you have said about the opening you are looking at.
That said, you have some very nice lines. I particuarly liked:
"the stinging sense of unease that was crawling through me"
Very good, strong image.
Be careful not to over-write. Don't try to impress the reader too much with fancy words and complicated sentencese. Sometimes simplicity is the better tool. For example, 'I carried on scrutinizing out of the window, hunting for a sign of where my destination was to be' could easily be 'I looked out of the window, hunting for signs of where I might be going.' (Besides, I don't think you can 'scrutinize out' of something... At least it doesn't sound right to me.) If you over-write, it will slow the pace down and the reader will become distracted. They want to know what is going on and shouldn't have to work too hard in decyphering your language.
Good attempt overall though, so well done.
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteI agree that the opening you chose and your own writing don't exactly match up, but you have succeeded in building tension in your piece so well done. If character development is what you wish to focus on, however, then I'd recommend practicing that in your future pieces.
Really picky issue: when I was younger, I had a tendency (like you) to use exclamation marks, but my teachers warned against them. They were right. Try to avoid using exclamation marks in your prose, unless absolutely necessary, and never use more than one at a time (so none of those !!! three in a row deals). This simple punctuation guideline can really help to clean up a piece and make it look shiny and professional.
I've also noticed that your narrator's thoughts often lead the narration, though more in a sense that they are constantly talking with someone (rather than this being a representation of their actual thoughts). For your future pieces, I'd also recommend experimenting with stream of consciousness writing. The challenge here is to represent stream of thought as accurately as possible, without their thoughts sounding like a dialogue (unless maybe the character has a tendency to talk to themselves... you never know).
Good work, and I look forward to reading your next assignment!
Maria
Hi Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteI like the suspense that’s been built up in your opening - the descriptions of the sea, the volcano, and the intriguing way you have presented speech I thought was both original and evocative: ‘....said.’ You're experimenting, and that's great for your development.
I was a little confused with the merging of your chosen opening at the end with your piece though, along with the bracketed: (except for the fact that I am on wordvoodoo). Of course it’s great to see such blatant enthusiasm which shines wonderfully through your work but you can show us this through your writing, no need for asides!
Your first line is great, and establishes the tone of the narrative quickly. There is a necessary build up of mood and character
progression as the narrator gets agitated about the prospect of the crash. If you can make this a little more concise, and edit out the asides, then I think you have found yourself a very
engaging and exuberant character’s voice.
Well done, hope you’re feeling better.
Liz