Opening 7
In Frey’s opening, everything is being revealed, rolled out and unravelled with the character and reader side by side through his actions– this is what I found to be extremely effective. The lack in description of surroundings allows the reader to visualise for themselves the situation, the confusion and the whereabouts of the character, heightening our curiosity also.
But the main juice, the seeded centre of the fruit, is Frey’s use of speech. Useless banter and boring chit-chat, but in this case it drags the story forward, whilst answering questions through the character’s questions, not to mention the effect it has alongside the short and snappy “Nothingness” that comes to the main character.
Sirens
My right hand smashes palm down into the top of my alarm clock, whilst my head continues to be sledge hammered into my thin pillow. I rest my left hand on my burning forehead, and blink a few times to regain the eyesight that I had lost the previous night. The unclean air of the room runs laps around my bare legs; whilst the mosquito bites begin to take on their parasite aftereffects of, well, being itchy. My arms feel clammy and unwashed. My hair probably resembles something close to a mop, or maybe a bowl of spaghetti. The mop is probably closest.
Then he walks into the room.
“You awake yet?”
The question is so stupid I almost want to laugh.
“No, I’m dreaming with my eyes open.”
“You want something to drink?”
“With ice.”
“You going to brush your teeth first?”
“No.”
Despite his IQ of 140, he’s still as stupid as an ass.
I role over onto my side and fall straight into the floorboards, face down. Gun shots continue to pelt into targets somewhere far away. I stroll into the only necessity that we have out here; the buckets of water that we have to call a shower.
My hair is drenched and my eyes are once again, blurry. He strolls back into the room behind my closed wet door and walks over to lean against it, back facing me.
“You ever thought it would be like this?”
“Like what?”
“This.”
“Being what I am, doing what I do?”
“Yes.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Then there was the usual pause.
“Do you want your towel?”
“Please.”
I open the door and outstretch my left hand. Then the sirens begin to scream.
Sorry no one has commented to date - I shall email a few moderators shortly.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I loved this. The first section is brilliant, especially when it remains cold and disorientating and snide. I think what is hardest here is finding the right equilibrium between your harsher imagery and the softer mop/itches stuff - a tricky balance all round, but one which you manage brilliantly most of the time. The second section is, if anything, even BETTER (the odd typo/errant punctuation aside). I really do think this is a tremendously accomplished piece of writing, and I can't wait to read what you do with this term's other prose tasks. Seriously. :)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteAppologies for the lateness of this reponse. It's a strong piece, but I'll focus on your analysis first.
I like your logic. I agree that there is something to be gained in the imediacy of Frey's experiences. It does indeed bring the reader along with narrator. Also, the speed of the piece is increased - I think you've achieved the same effect nicely in your text.
The dialogue is great. It's very knietic, and the lack of indicators is handled very well - I always know who's speaking without any 'he/she said's to slow things down. This:
“You ever thought it would be like this?”
“Like what?”
“This.”
“Being what I am, doing what I do?”
“Yes.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Then there was the usual pause.
“Do you want your towel?”
Is especially brilliant. Maybe one place we could do with an indication of who's speaking is with 'do you want your towel?' You could achieve this, as you have before, by having a short action on 'his' part, followed by the line, or you could do a 'he said.' I think it's admirable that you're trying to go without indicators and
I think it can be done, but using a '...said' is ok too.
Picky bits:
I role over - I roll over,
are once again, - are, once again, blurry...
I also think that given the pace of the writing your description could be cut back, or broken up. So the opening line could finish at 'alarm clock' and the section describing 'him' as he 'strolls back into the room' could be broken into chunks for clarity/pace's sake.
I like your figurative language - 'The unclean air of the room runs laps around my bare legs' is great. I should also say that your vocabulary when descibring the piece you read is fantastic - I love 'the seeded centre of the fruit.' Awesome.
Really well done with this. It was good to read, and very promising for your next piece. I hope you enjoyed doing it. Take care,
Andy
Hi eternity forever,
ReplyDeleteI’m new to moderating your work, I hope you’re happy for me to.....
You’ve done so well with this, strong sophisticated dialogue, some original descriptions: ‘My hair probably resembles something close to a mop, or maybe a bowl of spaghetti.’ I love the spaghetti idea, very visual. I like your asides, too: ‘The question is so stupid I almost want to laugh.’ You carry
so much of your characters through speech, and this makes me think that you’d also
be very good at script writing.
I’m not entirely sure about the last line. I realise that sirens are central to the narrative
but it feels a little much. Could you say this line differently? Perhaps comment on the background noise more, or the lights of the sirens? Just ideas, and it is a minor point, but perhaps worth a thought.
I'll look forward to reading more.
Liz
I’m new to moderating your work. It’s been a real pleasure and privilege to read this Task, and I hope you get something useful out of my comments!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I’ll look at your analysis. You picked out a few of Frey’s positive qualities, one being the closeness of the narrator and the reader; they both begin in a position of “unknowing”, and discover things together. This is not a tactic you take in your story (the narrator knows exactly where s/he is and what s/he is doing – the reader doesn’t), but your style works equally well.
Secondly, you note Frey’s fantastic use of showing, rather than telling, and the way it aids the readers ability to visualise the scenario. Frey’s description does not over-complicate or confuse the reader’s mental image. This is something you do extremely well in your own opening (with a couple of exceptions, which I highlighted below). Finally, the stripped-back nature of the descriptions increases the readers’ curiosity – again, a quality that was present in your work.
Finally, you write about Frey’s use of dialogue. However, I would strongly debate whether his dialogue is ‘useless’ or ‘boring’. In fact, it reveals a lot of key initial plot points – it only seems ‘useless’ because the information is imparted in such an underwritten, naturalistic manner.
Right, onto a more thorough analysis of your writing, in the light of these parameters. So: I really, REALLY liked your opening. I’ve hardly read any wordvoodoo prose, yet, but if it’s all as good as this I’m in for a treat! Honestly, I’m so impressed – you’re putting into practice lessons that many Uni students are still struggling to grasp.
Your terse, naturalistic dialogue is one of the most appealing aspects of this piece. It reads like real speech – that is, very easily. What’s more, your naturalistic dialogue also creates a high level of intrigue, as not everything is explicitly stated (so, what IS the narrator? What IS the narrator doing?) You achieve a really good balance of dropping in these “hooks” for the reader, whilst not being over the top or obvious about setting them up as points to generate narrative interest. I also really liked the dry humour (‘with ice’ is such a perfect comeback… it says so much in only two words!)
It’s a skilfully underwritten piece, and it’s this quality that makes it so engaging; the balance of a clear setting (the visceral description of the narrator’s physical state) with an ambiguous plot (where are they, if there are gunshots, and no showers, and sirens?).
However – I thought the physical descriptions of the first line (‘smashed’, ‘sledge hammered’) were over the top in comparison to the deftness of your latter descriptions. We were given a very clear sense of the cynical, jaded narrator through the use of first person (‘The mop is probably closest’, ‘The question is so stupid…’), but I thought the ‘well, being itchy’ was a little too much of a colloquial interruption – particularly as your first couple of sentences are written in a more “literary” mode. The introduction of the ‘gunshots’ was also a little jarring – there was nothing prior to it, really, to signify that they were in a war zone (which I assume they were?). Maybe you could foreshadow the introduction of the gunshots a little more – or sketch the war zone setting a little earlier – so as not to jar the reader out of the vivid, continuous dream of your fiction. The proxemics of ‘lean against it, back facing me’ was also a little confusing – I couldn’t place where ‘he’ was. If in doubt then the less propositions, the better.
I enjoyed this very much though – and I actually liked the ‘sirens’ hook! It made me want to read on even more than I already did. :) Fantastic stuff!