Opening 6
I liked this opening because I thought it was very detailed about the person’s life, ‘What my lousy childhood was like...that stuff bores me’, the way this gives some details of the narrators life is because she is saying that her childhood was lousy and that she can get bored easily. Also what I like is that the narrator is writing about their family. I think the writer has moved on about talking about their family in such a way it all links together. The story is very informal, ‘goddamn autobiography...He’s got a lot of dough...and all that David Copperfield crap’.
My Opening
I know you can’t wait no longer so I might as well tell you before you explode. You’ll probably want to know about me before I carry on. My life so far is totally boring, I went to school for 3 years and dropped out, weren’t bothered to go, I mean can you wake up at 6’oclock in the morning and get ready, go school and come back at 4’oclock? That is like 10 hours a day wasted in school. My mum and dad never bothered to go either, they thought school was a load of crap, and so did my brother. Let me tell you about my brother he is one of those people who sell drugs for a living, you know drug dealers. He does make a lot of dough, like my parents. My dad’s a garbage man and my mum’s a supermarket cleaner, in big stores like Tesco. I want to be an actress when I’m all grown up, my parents thing I won’t because I don’t go to school, what do they know you don’t need geography or history to learn how to act, it’s easy just don’t be yourself, how hard is that? I don’t have many friends around her, my brother says it’s because of my attitude, but who cares who needs friends when they are going to be famous.
Part One
ReplyDeleteThe first person narration allows the informal register that you have described here; this immediately allows the reader to build a relationship with the character without the unbiased omniscience of a third person narrator. Although this poses the question of an unreliable narrator, it is also a good way to contain all of the information necessary to set up the following narration. You have described the narrators train of thought when you have observed the way they link together seemingly unrelated topics. I think you have picked up on an important style of this narrator, as though they tell us they will not indulge us with information about their family, this forms more of an insight than if he had given us a detailed description of his normal family life.
Part Two
I really like the consistency of tone you have created in this extract; your colloquialisms and slang diction give us an insight into how your character has been brought up, their geographical back ground and how they interact with other people. I think a particularly interesting line is “ it’s easy, just don’t be yourself”. I think this could be a point of development further in the plot, I imagine that though the narrator is angry and confident, they are in reality, unhappy with their life.
This story very closely resembles the opening to The Catcher In The Rye, I think maybe in the next task you could branch out a bit more with your own ideas, taking just the initial inspiration from pre-existing sources. It is very hard to keep a register consistent when it does not mirror your own, so you can obviously write very well, I think maybe just work on your initial ideas more.
I think it will also be interesting to see how you develop the common story line of an urgency to be famous amongst the young. You have opened the story with some interesting indications of where the story might go, and, like Salinger, you have avoided obvious suspense building techniques. Make sure that you give the reader something to hook them into the story line, as this is a risky task.
I think maybe play down the tone of the narrator a little, as though (I assume) you are trying to make them sound unintelligible, “one of those people who sell drugs for a living, you know drug dealers” is a little patronising to the reader. Just be careful how you develop the character. Overall, impressive use of character.
Hello again Neeq. This is a very interesting and enjoyable piece which works on many levels. I think the strongest asset of your writing here is your subtlety, because, on the surface, this piece could be read as a story of a girl rising from an inauspicious family background to become an actress, and that is how the narrator would want the piece read, but the subtextual reading between the lines is the most interesting reading of this piece.
ReplyDeleteCertainly when I read it, I just see a very deluded girl, an innocent victim of circumstances, who clings on to the slim hope of ascension because it's the only hope she has. This reading becomes even more poignant due to the unconcerned, everyday dialogue she uses to describe the unsavoury occupations of her family.
Another definite asset to your writing that illuminates the subtext so effectively is also something Gina noted, which is the consistency of tone, which stays very strong throughout and never threatens to waver.
Overall, therefore, I am very intrigued in the direction you intend to take this story, but can only say that I feel absolute empathy for the narrator and feel she is a truly tragic character, and it is your mastery and control over her character that has got me hooked more than anything else,
Well done again,
Eoghan