Opening 3
In my opinion, the 3rd opening stood prominently in the back of my mind whilst I read the other openings. The full, very detailed descriptions of the area being “hot and brooding”, portraying to the reader how deeply the heat has penetrated into Ayemenem and how insufferable it is, and the high intensity of the heat is made present when the author mentions that the “rivers shrinks” which paints an immovable image of dry, dehydrated parched lands. The author then lifts this insufferable heaviness by saying that night is “clear” , and contrasts a few of the earlier comments of Fruits bursting and ripening (which seems very fast paced) to the slow, calm somber atmosphere, where the author isn’t expecting much to happen.
Betrayal by Contradiction
Bitter, Violent, Miserable. That’s how I would describe The cruelty of the lords. The constant need to stay en pointe and cautious whilst the harsh, rough unforgiving lords of nature stand boldly above the earth with the alveoli of their chest bearing down on (what must seems to be) us insignificant humans. Their thunderous, cruel, overpowering cackles isolate us from them, and soon their endless months of pathological entertainment begin.
The seemingly dominant spears of lightning indiscreetly smashing into one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and striking a nerve within our souls. The shrieking clatter of window panes giving up in vain to the superior weapons of destruction, weapons that we as man thought our most useful companion. The ocean waves crash into the reefs and sea-beds with no remorse, whilst the once brave, bold and daring lions lay in a self-dug burrows cowering at the undeniable abilities of the almighty lords. The bruising of the clouds consolidates the inevitable near future.
Yet now, piercing through the heavy, thick impenetrable smog of gloom and fear, comes a bright light, a light of hope and success. The light stood clear and pure amidst the unsightly destruction to which the cruel lords turn their backs on ,what is regarded as, success. The light said nothing, did nothing, it gave nothing away as to the reason behind it’s presence. To the lords it was a mere nuisance, but to man and nature, it stood for one striking message that would see them through what may come. “The lords are ignorant and have no aspirations, they seek to destroy what is good and cocoon what is bad. I cannot stop him alone, and so need your trust and hope that I will get you through this difficult time. Make no mistake, as it has only just begun”.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the detailed descriptions in the extract too. There's some rich sensory stuff going on there, and you're right to have identified the sense of expectation that goes along with that. Good reasoning.
The piece doesn't position our exact viewpoint initially, and I can see that you've taken to doing the same. It's a good device for making the landscape its own character, and I think you've achieved that nicely.
Also well done on introducing the 'lords' and then going into detail later - I was intrigued. You've also used long, complex sentences - really well done - they work beautifully.
There are some points that you could address. Occaisionally, because your sentences are so ambitious, the meaning gets a little lost. In:
The shrieking clatter of window panes giving up in vain to the superior weapons of destruction, weapons that we as man thought our most useful companion.
-it's unclear by the end who is causing this destruction, because the weapons that should belong to nature seem to have changed hands and become the weapons of man. Seperate the ideas to be clear.
I loved this:
lions lay in a self-dug burrows cowering at the undeniable abilities of the almighty lords.
It doesn't need the 'a' (I'm sure you'd have seen that though - just picky) but otherwise it's a really cool image. Well done.
'Smog of gloom' is also great - they're two similar things, so could seem extraneous to put together, but it's clear that you are laying on the desciption thick, so I feel it works - it's great in fact.
It's important to be clear with what's included in a clause. In:
it was a mere nuisance, but to man and nature, it stood for one
'but' should be out of the commas. It's picky, but you'll appreciate that with complex sentences the meaning has to be contained very carefully. You've done well with that though.
Well done with all of this - I'm really looking forward to your next piece. Take care,
Andy
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI admire this opening too. It’s so vivid, and I see how it has made you think about the visual aspects of your work and the creation of atmosphere through language.
Looking to your opening....
The first thing that strikes me is your playful engagement with language. This is a wonderful quality, and you are clearly fascinated with words, and how they sound - all very poetical occupations, by the way! I did find it very dense, though. I read the extract several times and it was difficult to imagine the persona because they are so wrapped up in adjectives, which does make it difficult to achieve that moment of clarity that you so admired in your chosen novel’s opening. One way to solve this is to prune back a bit. Be confident in the words you decide to choose, and don’t overcompensate. So, for example, you don’t need ‘thunderous...cruel.. and overpowering,’ all in one sentence. It would be more effective to stick with one of these.
The dialogue at the end works well, and provides the reader with a contrast to the very descriptive passages that have come before. The dialogue entices us further into the narrative. To make this stronger you need to go through and cut back on the words - edit.
Good luck with it.
Liz
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteAs your two previous comments say, you've got some really rich, detailed descriptions and images in your opening, and they really illuminate the setting that you have created. You seem to have got stuck in a bit of a rut though, you seem to give everything three adjectives which sometimes bogs your prose down a little, 'harsh, rough, unforgiving' or 'brave, bold and daring' - these words are all in the same semantic field, so I don't think they are all necessary.
I think there are a couple of other places where you could trim down too, and I think that this would increase your piece's readability and help it flow better. The first is in the first paragraph: (what must seem to be) - this seems superfluous and from the rest of the piece the readers can garner a sense of the lords being more powerful than the humans. The second place is the 'seemingly' before the lightening, for the same reasons. I think by having too many woolly words, you could dilute the powerful images that are the most important thing about your opening.
I think that you have done really well recreating the rich descriptions, well done, and you have the contrasts between light and dark/day and night like you liked too - nice work!
I don't think that the author of opening 3 didn't expect much to happen however, do you not think that they are setting the scene for some of the tension to break?
Just a small note on grammar, you've out extra capitals on 'violent' and 'miserable', and then one on 'the' in the first line.
Well done, and I look forward to reading your next task!
life,
ReplyDeleteWell done in your first task back of the New Year! I hope you’re excited about the prose aspect.
Right off, I agree with you. I also really enjoyed the third opening. I thought the descriptions really stood out. I thought that your reasoning for choosing it was strong, and your language is very effective. One small thing in part one, is that “The full, very detailed descriptions of the area being “hot and brooding”, portraying to the reader how deeply the heat has penetrated into Ayemenem and how insufferable it is, and the high intensity of the heat is made present when the author mentions that the “rivers shrinks” which paints an immovable image of dry, dehydrated parched lands,” is a very long sentence, slightly run-on. I know the purpose of this task isn’t your explanation, but it’s good to always work on punctuation during every writing opportunity.
I’m immediately impressed with your opening. Your descriptions are great, and, as a requirement set out by Mr. S, you follow your own requirements that you set out fir yourself in part one. You observe and apply to your opening, what you read in opening three. Good work with this – it’s very important for all future writing!
You have some very powerful and detailed lines that work perfectly for this opening. “The ocean waves crash into the reefs and sea-beds with no remorse, whilst the once brave, bold and daring lions lay in a self-dug burrows cowering at the undeniable abilities of the almighty lords,” is wonderful, as is, “Their thunderous, cruel, overpowering cackles isolate us from them, and soon their endless months of pathological entertainment begin.” You are really grasping the use of description. I’m excited to see your growth with description – the real challenge is knowing when and how to use it – and you seem comfortable applying them. But, with everything, there is always a need for balance. I think sometimes you used adjectives, or words before words, for the sake of it, and to experiment with the style of writing. Keep working at it – looks great so far!
I’m very excited to read more of your prose. One suggestion with this opening is to concentrate a little more on the narrative voice. I know you’re describing and introducing the lords, but personally, it would be even more effective, if you are to use the voice more prominently.
Well done on your first prose task!