OPENING 8
I feel opening 8 was the most effective as it always kept the reader at arms length and never directly informed them what was happening, leaving it to how they interpreted it. I like this technique of showing and not telling, which I tried to incorporate into my story as well as the gruesome aspect. Also, the way in which something so simple such as a butchers and shopping are changed into a complete opposite of how we usually think of them and this is done by using ominous pathetic fallacy. Finally I like the way nothing seems rushed and the story just flows quite slowly, which symbolizes how relaxed the character is.
A Strange Catch
Fishing at night is a lottery: you either scoop the jackpot, or go home empty handed. I religiously put my money in each week, reassuring myself that this is my week, only to watch some fat, inexperienced geezer haul out a 15kg carp and claim “he just got lucky”. My advice to you is: printout your own ticket, weighing all the odds in your favor and ensuring you win.
There are numerous ways of doing this, such as: making sure you are the only one fishing or even stealing someone else’s line. However my way is surely the best. I mean when you are 5 or 6 the thrill of not knowing what you have caught is almost uncontainable but as you grow older the characteristic tug of a carp and dead weight of an old shoe are easily distinguishable and a physical sedative. By putting your own ‘fish’ in there it makes it easier as you know what your up against; no point stepping in the ring ready to battle an old lady when Ricky Hatton’s standing in front of you.
Setting up my line and attaching my bait, the currents of the river slowly begin to change and I feel the hairs on my neck abruptly salute the chill as I move towards the bank. Staring at his lifeless lonely body, I kiss my brother goodbye then toss him into the river, before hurrying back to my seat to make sure I don’t miss the opportunity. As my numbers are drawn I feel a gentle tug on my line and while a cruel smile floats across my face, I know it’s my game, my set, my catch…
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteReally sorry but having computer probs. Will comment first thing tomorrow. Ricky Hatton? Floyd Merriweather! Read and liked this, just too tired to recreate lost comments.
pax
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteYour opening does capture the spirit of the example without being derivative. I'm not sure where you see the pathetic fallacy in the butcher's shop, the shop possessing human emotions; but it is an ominous, if slightly obvious, setting. You do capture the meaured flow of the example, the detachment.
Adopting this tone makes the surprise (and it was on first reading) grotesque "catch" even more powerful. Your description of fishing is actually a bit sedating, but livened by the extended metaphors and puns.
The lottery metaphor works well because you wind it up at the end of the paragraph. It might be punchier if you stay with the imperative "printout your own ticket, weigh all the odds ..." etc. Maybe even experiment with fragments.
The middle section also "drags" a bit and is slightly muddled for the same reason. Look at the opening sentence:
"There are numerous ways of doing this, such as making sure you are the only one fishing or even stealing someone else's line."
Can you see where editing, especially at the start, might help?
Also active verbs instead of gerunds "make sure" etc.
If you intended the passive tone, the sedation (which does emphasise the surpise ending) then ignore the verb issue; but, as an exercise check how the tone would be differrent.
On second, third readings there are a few places where you might be able to delay the shock.
Perhaps consider not putting quotes around 'fish.' or using "the" instead of "his" for as long as you can.
Your puns are very clever, but I'm not sure how the tennis reference fits in at the end. Puns on boxing or lottery, metaphors which fit the fishing theme, would be more effective. (although, "net"...)
My favourite:
"the currents of the river slowly begin to change and I feel the hairs on my neck abruptly salute the chill..."
this is similar to the example you read, but it has its own strengths. The cliche "hairs on the back of my neck" sets up the very fresh "salute the chill." As I think about it, your prose style and narrative structure constantly lulls and then shocks. I look forward to seeing more prose from you , so I can judge better.
Finally, I'd be interested to see if/how this might be developed into a novel. It reminds me more of Edgar Allen Poe's short stories. It seems contained, whole.
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI really like your opening, I think you've got a solid, original idea and you've executed it well. In my head, fishing is a sedate past time, something my grandad used to do, so I like it how you've juxtaposed this with much more sinister actions, and his brother as well, a shocking and great twist!
I like the way you write as well, you haven't waffled in your opening, but you've got some lovely images in there, my favourite is 'the currents of the river slowly begin to change and I feel the hairs on my neck abruptly salute the chill'.
You've managed to give your narrator their own voice too, with their informal way of elaborating on things, like the Ricky Hatton/old lady image. I assume that if you had a longer word count, you would expand on the character a bit more, but as this is just an opening, I think that you've made the right decision to keep the readers guessing.
I think that you have successfully taken your favourite bits from opening 8 snd used them in your own, such as turning an activity on its head and making it mroe gruesome. I think you've also shown and not told well too, good job!
I really look forward to reading your next task!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteFirst – I really like the accuracy of your analysis of the extract – “keeping the reader at arm’s length” is such a good way to describe the way the voice works in this piece. Your writing does what it sets out to do in that it feels unhurried and poised, so that the revelation of the (murdered?) brother’s body is a shocking one.
However, I think that the change is a bit abrupt; it’s a very short piece, of course, so you don’t have much room in which to set up the premise, but it just seems that the body comes a bit too soon. This would be a great opening to a novel, where of course you’d have a bigger word count! I’m being a bit picky, because I’m aware you have to hurry things along a bit within the word limit constraints, but there’s just something a bit too quick about this one.
Some lovely language: “By putting your own ‘fish’ in there it makes it easier as you know what your up against; no point stepping in the ring ready to battle an old lady when Ricky Hatton’s standing in front of you” is great in that it establishes character in a very subtle way; it sounds conversational and puts in a frame of reference for the reader. The narrator tells us what they’re interested in and know about without signposting it too much – this is “showing, not telling” at its best.
Great pun on the last line, too! (A deadpan pun can do great things for an uncomfortable sense of humour in a piece.)
Really enjoyed this – well done.
Penny