I like the rats by James Herbert. Firstly it was jam-packed with graphic horror and chilling suspense. It started off very calm. It was very good and gripping. I liked the way the writer used the 'show, not tell' technique. the way the writer uses description was very good because it built up an image in my head and made me want to read on. The opening was very effective and was exactly the way a horror story should be.
My Story Opening
At first I thought it was my imagination. With it being such a cold bitter evening with howling winds it was probably just the rustling leaves. I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck and thrust my hands deeper into my pockets.
It had been a long day at the office. Jeremy had called in sick and with Patricia on maternity leave; the paperwork had just mounted up. It had been so busy that I hadn’t interviewed anyone to cover for Patricia and the extra work was taking its toll on my health.
There it was again. I stopped, glancing left and right, stopping every few steps for another listen. But again, all I could hear was the whistling of the wind.
I was tired and I looked forward to a nice hot soak in the bath. Lisa had already reprimanded me for staying so late at the office. When I got home every evening, Joe my four year old son would be waiting at the door for me. Today, Joe would be tucked up in bed and I would be welcomed home by a disgruntled Lisa.
The dirt track veered to the left and from there I could see my house. I stumbled over a pothole and cursed loudly as I felt the strain on my ankle. I bent down, took off my glove and rubbed my ankle. Already I could feel it swelling up.
As I stood up, sharp pain from my ankle momentarily stunned me. It took a few moments for me to regain my sense of direction. It was at this point, that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Someone was watching me. I turned a full circle but still couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. But fear was gripping me now as I hobbled down the driveway…
As with the last task (and presumably most of the tasks from now onwards, if Mr. S. says they’re all taking this format), I’ll look at your analysis first, and use the qualities you identify as parameters for addressing how effective your own work is.
ReplyDeleteYou note that Herbert’s opening is ‘jam-packed with graphic horror and chilling suspense’. Personally (and this is totally down to individual taste) I thought he was a bit over the top with this, so I’m very glad your opening is more restrained! In your own piece, you used the idea of having a ‘very calm’ opening – a lull before the horror begins. You also picked up on the importance of the “show, don’t tell” technique – one that’s particularly effective in the horror genre. The images, without explication, stand alone, and thus allow the reader to create an image, unique to them, in their own heads.
Your opening starts with a strong opening sentence – one that is, it must be said, slightly conventional, but by using this recognisable phrase the reader is lulled into that (false) sense of security. The very familiarity of it makes it ‘very calm’ (like Herbert’s opening). You also use some other familiar phrases to strong effect, such as ‘a nice hot soak in the bath’. People often think in routine, patterned ways, through familiar sayings, and so by using these sayings you both make the narrative voice recognisable, real and domestic, and create this sense of calmness and security. These two things are also achieved by the normality – the almost mundane nature – of the narrator’s worries (the probably dull office job; the disgruntled partner). As such, the reader recognises and engages with the narrator, and doesn’t suspect what is about to happen.
This is also achieved through the ankle twisting incident. This could ring highly familiar alarm bells to the reader – “he’s hurt his leg and someone’s following him – uh-oh!” – but your use of the “show, don’t tell” technique means it doesn’t come across as an obvious“ hook. ‘I felt the strain on my ankle. I bent down, took off my glove and rubbed my ankle’; this is really very good. It’s sparse and vivid and visual, and doesn’t prepare the reader for what’s coming next. The repetition of ‘ankle’ in this case seems like one of the repetitions of real thought/speech – although the third repetition of the word is a bit much.
There are some points, especially in the first paragraph, where your writing could be improved by making further use of the “show, don’t tell” technique. Beware of overlabouring any description; for example, to set the scene its not necessary to say that its both a cold and a bitter evening, and that there are howling winds – you could cut ‘with howling winds’ entirely, and the sentence would be sharper and more to the point. Similarly, it’d make for a tighter piece of writing if you went for either ‘I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck’ or ‘thrust my hands deeper into my pockets’, not both.
For an opening, I think there are too many names introduced too quickly – it’s a little bewildering for the reader to keep track of them all. Maybe you could drop one or two inessential characters (Jeremy, Patricia)?
Finally, ‘the hair on the back of my neck’ seems like a cliché too far, to me. It’s too well-worn a phrase, and one that doesn’t ring true – if you think you’re being watched, is that your body’s physiological response? Really? You could make this description truer and more empathic if you thought about precisely the way your body physically reacts when you are scared, and tried to write it down as simply and exactly as possible.
There’s some very strong writing here. You’ve got latent potential which, with a bit of work, can be tapped into. Keep it up!
I like the rats by James Herbert. Firstly it was jam-packed with graphic horror and chilling suspense. It started off very calm. It was very good and gripping. I liked the way the writer used the 'show, not tell' technique. the way the writer uses description was very good because it built up an image in my head and made me want to read on. The opening was very effective and was exactly the way a horror story should be.
ReplyDeleteYou have created a gripping opening, and played very successfully upon human paranoia. It is very common for us to talk ourselves logically out of being afraid, blaming it on the leaves, or the dark interfering with our eyesight. You have captured this perfectly, though I think you could add in a few more strange occurrences to heighten the tension, add another ‘turn of the screw’. As your opening is written in first person you can get away with using some clichés, such as “taking its toll”, as it is a colloquial term that is often thrown around conversation, however be careful how far you use clichés in your writing. For example, the “hairs on the back of my neck” is a little over the top, try creating odd metaphors that the reader could really empathise with, rather than relying upon the obvious.
I like the sharp change of direction the story displays in the first paragraph, it almost mimics Shakespeare’s use of comedy after a dramatic scene to heighten the tension and divert the reader’s attention from the narrative. I think you could play on this to create a tenser opening. Also, I was unsure where the story would end up, it would be ironic if he made it all the way to his doorstep but didn’t quite make it inside! Or were you going to produce your reader with an anti-climax to set up the tension in following scenes?
Great opening - perfect for the genre, and nicely understated, which is often much more chilling than out-and-out horror. The only thing about that first paragraph is that I think you flit too much between the present and the past; we need a bit more of both in order for the character to be built up. That's not to say that we need to be told lots, just that it seems quite abrupt to move to the day at the office - I'd save this for the second paragraph. Also, the introduction of Jeremy and Patricia is confusing - we've only just got to know the narrator!
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes it's better to let the reader do a bit of working things out for his- or herself: "Joe, my four-year-old son" seems a bit clunky, as it's not the sort of thing people actually say in conversation, and especially not if they're relating a frightening story. I'd just cut "my four-year-old son" - it's clear already that Lisa is the partner/wife, since she's reprimanding the narrator for staying late, so that doesn't leave many options for who Joe is; it's unlikely that the term "tucked up" would be used for anyone other than a child in this context.
The ankle twisting gives us a nice sense of things being off-kilter, but it's a shame you've used the image of hairs on the back of the neck standing up - this is a bit hackneyed. The rest of your writing shows you're inventive, so try to think about how it feels when you realise you're being watched, then contract the image as much as possible so that the reader feels he or she is doing the work... It's hard to do, but that's how the best writing works!
Well done, though - this is certainly gripping...
Penny
Hello again,
ReplyDeleteNot only have you comprehensively outlined your reasons for responding to Herbert, I think you have also managed to build on some of those strengths yourself.
For example, you refer to his 'graphic horror' and 'chilling suspense', but you have commendably devoted much more time to the suspense rather than the horror, as your piece is very subtly suspenseful and not hampered by the slightly overdone and alienating horror that one could possibly accuse Herbert of.
In your first paragraph you quite confidently grasp one of the most effective devices of horror; that of using nature. Your use of 'howling winds' and 'rustling leaves' works well for two main reasons; firstly it enforces your very successful efforts of lulling the reader into a false sense of security, and secondly nature has a very pertinent air of the unknown about it; a sense of lawlessness and danger which many horror writers have harvested.
I personally wasn't bothered by your mentioning of characters such as Patricia and Jeremy, because it adds to the feel that this is a mere normal day at work in an overall humdrum lifestyle, which is important if the later horror element is going to be divested with any credibility. The important element about characterisation is that the characters must seem like real breathing people and not like mere puppets in the hands of an omniscient author...even though that's exactly what they are. The fact then, that this character is referring to other characters who we have never heard of, and who the author doesn't seem to know about, gives the piece a sense of realism as it almost shows the character to be out of the control of the author.
Your command of suspense is quite excellent, and I feel it stems mainly from your clever use of the anti-climax...which is another important device in horror; your first section ends with the very heightened drama of 'glancing left and right' for an unseen danger but instead being faced with the wind, another very sinister element of nature. Then you end with a very deliberate line space between sections, the only one you have in the story. This works because, having ended with heightened drama and intrigue, the reader therefore expects this to be either resolved or heightened further...but you give the major anti-climax of 'looking forward to a nice soak in the bath'. Admittedly this can be a dangerous approach to writing, as the reader might just get bored after a while of being teased with no reward, but if you pull it off some of the best horror constantly teases with the EVOCATION of danger without fully revealing it until well into the story, usually by playing with the idea that it may just be the imagination, which is exactly what you have done here. Indeed that's what I like about your ending; you resist the temptation to merely end with some overly graphic horror because that's what most people accept from horror. Writing a horror story of course means conforming to genre restrictions, but if you experiment with how far you can push those restrictions you can still come up with something quite unique and powerful, and that's what horror needs to be powerful, and I think you've hit on the right method of achieving that...living as we do in the desensitised 21st century, gratuitous gore long ago lost its ability to be powerful or terrifying.
In any case, as I say, a very fine effort which you should really consider working with and building on,
Eoghan