Task 35
Excerpt 2 – ‘The Rats’ by James Herbert
I liked this excerpt, because the way it creates horror is it has lots of suspense, like ‘Guilfoyle had worked hard that week’, how this creates suspense is it tells us that Guilfoyle has worked hard, but it don’t tell us why he worked hard, so that the reader carries on reading to find out why he has worked hard. Also the story builds lots tension like where it says, ‘Shivers ran along his spine, to his shocked brain’, how this creates tension is it makes the reader feel what the character is going through, because it says that, ‘shivers ran along his spine to his shocked brain’. What else I like about this excerpt is that it tells us about the characters feelings and the pain the character is going through, ‘he felt the pain again in his outstretched left hand...he tried to gain his feet again as he felt more pain in his leg...flesh was ripped away from the back of his neck’.
My Opening
My arm throbbed, my leg bled, my head ache, but all he could care was about himself and his safety so he fled. All he could ever care is about himself, not even his closest, most loyal friend, no more than a friend...a brother! I would have helped him if he was in my shoes, but no he left me to die! I know, I should try praying to the lord, even though I haven’t been the holiest person in the world, but I might just be forgiven and helped. My neck is probably fractured, my ankle is most definitely broken, my fingers squashed, by the nasty youth run over my hand, like a herd of angry bulls, catching their prey. I’ve tried calling for help, but my voice seems hoarse, unable to shout. What should I do? Wait there’s somebody there...they can’t see me...wait they are looking at me, they can see me! My prayers have been answered, oh lord I will worship you more than ever if I survive this trauma! They’ve called help; my prayers have most defiantly been answered. My ears have been pulled by my stalker, but I still can hear the sound of distant sirens. All I want right now is to be alive, please, please, please lord I pray for my humanity, which you have snatched from me!
Excerpt 2 – ‘The Rats’ by James Herbert
I liked this excerpt, because the way it creates horror is it has lots of suspense, like ‘Guilfoyle had worked hard that week’, how this creates suspense is it tells us that Guilfoyle has worked hard, but it don’t tell us why he worked hard, so that the reader carries on reading to find out why he has worked hard. Also the story builds lots tension like where it says, ‘Shivers ran along his spine, to his shocked brain’, how this creates tension is it makes the reader feel what the character is going through, because it says that, ‘shivers ran along his spine to his shocked brain’. What else I like about this excerpt is that it tells us about the characters feelings and the pain the character is going through, ‘he felt the pain again in his outstretched left hand...he tried to gain his feet again as he felt more pain in his leg...flesh was ripped away from the back of his neck’.
My Opening
My arm throbbed, my leg bled, my head ache, but all he could care was about himself and his safety so he fled. All he could ever care is about himself, not even his closest, most loyal friend, no more than a friend...a brother! I would have helped him if he was in my shoes, but no he left me to die! I know, I should try praying to the lord, even though I haven’t been the holiest person in the world, but I might just be forgiven and helped. My neck is probably fractured, my ankle is most definitely broken, my fingers squashed, by the nasty youth run over my hand, like a herd of angry bulls, catching their prey. I’ve tried calling for help, but my voice seems hoarse, unable to shout. What should I do? Wait there’s somebody there...they can’t see me...wait they are looking at me, they can see me! My prayers have been answered, oh lord I will worship you more than ever if I survive this trauma! They’ve called help; my prayers have most defiantly been answered. My ears have been pulled by my stalker, but I still can hear the sound of distant sirens. All I want right now is to be alive, please, please, please lord I pray for my humanity, which you have snatched from me!
Again, I would have to disagree slightly as to why Herbert’s opening makes for a good horror story. I would argue the point that his suspense is the strongest point of his writing, he is quite open with his narrative, not withholding information from the readers in order to create an interest to carry on. He gains the interest of his readers by presenting them so openly with his horrific narrative, by describing in macabre detail how the rats are devouring him alive. It certainly does evoke empathy as you say, and I think this a strong point of Herbert’s writing.
ReplyDeleteYou have certainly played on the common theme that when in trouble we call to a god who we would usually ignore! It is well written from a first person perspective, and it’s colloquial form really allows the reader into the head of the narrator, getting an insight into what he is seeing, hearing and thinking.
Maybe bring in some other senses to evoke empathy in the reader with a little more efficacy, talk about taste, touch, smell. The taste and smell of blood are very distinctive, and is probably an image that people would easily be able to relate to.
Your story does not at present seem to read like a horror story, and is heading towards perhaps a thriller or drama. To make it fit more aptly within the horror genre, perhaps provide your antagonists with reasoning behind targeting your narrator, or insinuate that this is not the first attack. It appears that you are not taking the supernatural route, so concentrate more on the concrete facts of why the attack ahs taken place. Also, perhaps you could create more tension, present something sinister in the stranger that is helping you, or maybe heighten the suspense by leaving a longer time period between the attack and the rescue.
Hello again,
ReplyDeleteI can't really think how to follow Gina's comments, which I fully agree with; this opening seems as if taken straight from a thriller story and bears few of the hallmarks of horror, while I also agree with her advice that it would fit the genre better if you focussed strongly on the senses. Because the horror genre is, by definition, unrealistically horrific and existing in a heightened universe, the most crucial device in a horror-writer's arsenal is a strong evocation of the dramatic events being relayed, and the most effective way to do this is by using the senses and thereby forcing the reader into the shoes of the characters.
The major strength about your writing here, however, is your use of first-person narration, and your realistic portrayal of a narrator suffering such traumatic abuse that they are unable to give coherent narration, which holds the reader in a sort of limbo; we sympathise enough with the narrator that we keep reading to ensure that they escape relatively unscathed, but there is a certain ongoing frustration and sense of foreboding because we are not given any answers.
So really all you need to do to improve this is to follow Gina's advice about reinforcing the empathy and pushing it further into the arena of Horror.
Well done again,
Eoghan
Hey,
ReplyDeleteJust to start with apologising for my absence in the past few weeks, and also my lateness.
Much like Eoghan, I agree with Gina. The excessive description of what seems to be a natural occurance is more thriller than horror. While the event is horrific, it doesn't have the chilling effect that a horror usually evokes. Instead the reader feels shocked and sickened at the graphic violence. As a thriller, this is very effective.
I very much liked the colloquial language, and it was obvious this dialouge is happening inside someones head. By giving the audience insight into the characters thoughts you are enhancing the empathy. I think the colloquialism could have even been taken a step further, with such words as 'youth', 'trauma' and 'fractured' being replaced with words used more often, such as 'kid' or 'broken'.
Horror stories often leave the ending open to the imagination of the reader. whilst i very much like the ending of this piece, it does strike a 'happy' note, knowing the character will be saved. I liked the reference to God, which is often something that is called upon in hours of need. This humanised the main charatcer and made us empathise with them.
This is a strong piece of narrative, and with a few alterations could sit nicely in the genre of horror. Well done
Kat