Extract 2
Forster’s piece is packed full of descriptive and personifying paragraphs, where the “beauty gushed out to water the earth” and the grass is spotted with “azure foam”.
It contains rare inclusions of dialogue which helps to move the scene along, keeping it interesting and hooking us as the reader. The description of “golden plains” conveys a sense of lightness and “beauty” which makes the piece much easier to read.
An Old Flame
He trembled at the mere sight of her sharply dressed physique: the dress a pale blue with dark pinstripes streaming down it, the belt glimmering in her eye as though in recognition of achievement, the zip hanging loosely upon each thread as though inviting someone to rip them off, finally the stiff yet elongated strap tracking his eyes towards the immaculately organised features of her face. It seemed as though an angel had been chiselling at it to get the right angle, complexion and texture. Her eye’s a flawless green with a hint of hazel, her hair full of volume, thickness and bounce, and her skin a smooth, gentle and subtle bronze blending well with the summer sunset.
Yes, it was truly the sight that captured Mike’s attention, he could resist not his lusting temptations to fantasise about her, who seemed to outclass even the love god Aphrodite herself. Her welcoming aroma of rich, humble perfume pervading the whole room, and her unique aura glowing around her petit frame.
She suddenly noticed Mike at the corner of the room, cowering and hunched in shyness. Pasting a wide, thin, generous smile upon her face. She strolled towards him hoping to catch up on the week’s gossip as they used to so many years ago.
“Heeeeey, how have you-”
“Fine! Fine!, feeling real smooth today”, Mike spluttered with hesitation.
“That’s good to know, are you-”
“No no still single, but I’m happy to be”
“Oh”, sighing disappointingly.
She continued to walk away, each step she took felt like an anchor digging and hauling at Mike’s heart, each step weakened that welcoming aroma that Mike so craved, making him feel even more dependant on her presence. Mike ran his fingers through his hair and breathed heavily feeling more and more anxious as she took another step away from him.
“WAIT! I’ve got something to tell you…”
I'd just like to say that i'm very sorry if there are any mistakes with punctuation, i have been extremely ill all week and know that this is not as good as it can be.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're not feeling well.
I like your reasoning in the analysis. Dialogue does help the pace of things keep going - I also like that you've deployed the same technique in your work.
The dialgoue you've chosen is good, awkward stuff. I think the lack of indicators helps the pace. With this in mind it might be an idea to cut down some the description of the way he speaks - so if he splutters we can see the hesitation in it.
I think that the way you've written the dialogue means we don't actully need and description of the way it's said - you can feel it - well done.
With the other indocator 'disappointingly' confused me a bit. Disappointed might be what you were goin for. Also, just to stick with dialogue, there's maybe less need for emphasis on the words.
I know how it feels to think about the way people speak in detail, and want to represent that prefectly to the reader, but usually they'll get the idea without too much help. For example - you could question why you need exclaimation marks. They can still add confusion, even though they are an emphasis, so maybe you can do without them. Also extending words, such as 'heeeey' - is cool, but similarly can be imagined without too much help.
Your dialogue is great - that's what I wanted to focus on this time, but consider those improvements too.
Hope that's helpful. Take care,
Andy
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you've been ill, I hope you are feeling better now.
Just like in your favourite extract, you own piece has got some beautiful and rich descriptions. The hair full of "volume, thickness and bounce" sounds like it has just come from a shampoo commercial, and I think the image of the angel chiselling at her face to get the angles etc is bizarre, but beautiful at the same time - this is my favourite image of your whole piece. Be careful not to over write though, sometimes less can be more. A couple of your images don't really make that much sense, for example, the zip that hangs loosely on the threads. Zips hold material taut, so make sure when you are describing things you don't end up distorting them in a way that doesn't enchance your writing.
I think that you describe the woman very well though, when you mentioned her "petite frame", I realised that I had been imagining her as huge, as her presence is so dominating compared to little old Mike. This is great.
I'm not really convinced by the line "truly the sight", as it kind of discounts the descriptions of her intoxicating perfume. It's great that you're using a range of senses.
As Andy has already said, your dialogue is suitably awkward, just like it would be in real life - good work!
I'm impressed with your work this week, Life, and I hope you are feeling better soon! I look forward to reading your next post :o)
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteSorry you haven't been well.
You've placed an intense concentration on the description of the woman in this piece. You describe her as a physical presence in great detail, which conveys to the reader the infatuation experienced by your narrator. You establish the uncertain nature of their relationship primarily through dialogue. Your ending is strong. I enjoyed that final sentence: '...feeling more and more anxious as she took another step away.' Through this line we are left with the threat of her departure.
I think your extract could benefit with a little more editing, particularly in relation to the many descriptions of the woman at the beginning of the piece. You could choose, perhaps, two details to concentrate on and edit out what is not absolutely essential. This would help define her further as a character.
Well done, and thanks for posting,
Liz
Life,
ReplyDeleteI’m really sorry to hear you’ve been ill, I hope you’re feeling much better now!
I like your analysis of Forster’s, A Room With a View. I think you’ve identified the major aspects of it and I’m really, really pleased you’ve seen the importance of well placed, informative dialogue – it’s hugely significant and hard to begin – so well done on your first attempt at really looking at dialogue.
Well done too for starting off this romantic genre… I have yet to try it out.
I like your story a lot so far. I think that you’ve experimented well with the genre and I think that you’ve done a fine job with the dialogue. I like that you’ve built up her character quite a bit before giving her a voice; the voice can often shock or impress the reader. You’ve described her really well, and I think it’s hugely effective that the man isn’t described because we’re seeing her as he sees her – she’s the important object, what we’re meant to focus on. So, intentional or not, very well done there.
I enjoy the vocabulary you’ve used in here as well, they’re appropriate for the genre and for your story! The only one I’m not so sure about is “pasting” regarding her smile, it just seems too insincere… unless that was your plan!
I like the obvious tie between the romantic attraction and lust – it’s realistic, but I like that you don’t go too much into the lust. It’s rightly balanced between the two.
I totally understand that you’re sick, but next time, just concentrate on punctuation and grammar a tad more. Watch out for fragmented sentences too.
Well done though, and, again, I hope you’re feeling much better!
I hope too, that you're really gaining a sense of what genre you prefer and feel most comfortable in!
Genevieve