Part 1.
My favorite horror extract is 'just after sunset' by Stephen King. The main reason i like this text is because you get a real psychological insight into Ems character without it being in the first person. The part of the text, which, for me, makes it scary, is the to-ing and fro-ing of her mind. She goes from acceptance to denial and back in quick succession. The fact that we think, as an audience that the body is a movie prop lulls us into a nightmarish universe, which makes it more frightening. The most effective part for me is the way King snaps from trivial to action without any indication. This is the most suprising part.
Part 2.
Eleven.
He always knew that pain was subjective. He loved the fact that even if someone else hit him it was his mind that was inflcting the pain. He relished every sting and every bruise. Every taste, aroma and echo became dull, every action became more extreme and every wound went numb.
If the wind wasn't cutting her face, she wasn't alive. If her gums didn't gush after every meal her teeth weren't clean. Every minute she lived, she yearned for more. Every step she took she longed for an earthquake.
It was never a good idea to intoduce them. At the time it seemed like they would balance each other out, neutralising the destruction if you like. That, of course, was not the case. They both took eachother further. They started to turn on people, their freinds, their parents and finally, me.
I remeber the music quite distinctly, it was that 'fill me up buttercup' song. They were playing it from three different speakers around the room. I woke up to it when it looped for the third time. I lurched forward to see a wall completely papered with the same picture of me. I darted from corner to corner checking for them. I then noticed the two pars of feet poking out from under the bed, they started to chuckle. I then saw his face pressed against the window and heard her familiar knock at my door.
Naboo,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very unique, captivating piece. I find myself longing to know more about these 3 characters and their relationships. The first paragraph in particular is very compelling, which is great - it pulls your readers in right away.
Some picky things - how does your narrator know that he wakes up when the long is looping for the third time? Has he just been half asleep, or in a strange state of asleep but aware?
Also, I like the use of pronouns in this piece, because it heightens the ambiguity of the situation. But it seems to me that you are introducing a fourth character in the end of your piece (another 'she'). So at this point you should probably assign names, because having two 'she's will get confusing.
I enjoyed this. Keep it up! :)
Maria
Please forgive the typo in my second post as well. :) It's very early in the morning.
ReplyDeletesorry, typo: paragraph 2 in my comment should read: "how does your narrator know that he wakes up with the song is looping for the third time?"
ReplyDeleteMaria
In your analysis of King’s opening, you remark that the reader gets ‘a real psychological insight into Em’s character without it being in first person’. But does a text normally need to be in first person to gain psychological insight into the character? Won’t an omnipotent third person narrator be just as intuitive – and probably more objective – than a first person narrator? You also pick up on the way King toys with the reader’s expectations, with the world moving from realistic to fantastical (or ‘nightmarish’), the alteration of Em’s mindset, and the juxtaposition of the trivial with the essential. He handles these changes skilfully, without them seeming forced or obvious. Let’s see how you use similar techniques in your own work…
ReplyDeleteFirst things first: there are quite a few careless typos in this extract. ‘Inflcting’, ‘intoduce’, ‘freinds’, ‘remeber’, and so on. Next time you submit anything to wordvoodoo, you must remember to proof read/spell check it first. Spelling errors like this jerk the reader out of the fictional world you’re attempting to create, as they’re too busy noticing the errors to really get into the story.
But onto the story itself. I like these first two paragraphs, where you establish some intriguing facts about the characters, but also leave a lot of the essentials out (names, where they are, what they look like…) As the characters are so interesting, I wanted to read on to discover what these essentials were.
Your second paragraph is particularly strong; more so than the first. This is because the language is so physical, and so visceral. Whereas in the first paragraph you use mainly undefined, abstract language (e.g. ‘taste, aroma, and echo’), the second roots abstract emotions in physicality – the whole paragraph is excellent.
I also really like the idea of two slightly insane characters that are brought together in the hopes that ‘they would balance each other out’, only for this plan to go awry.
The fourth paragraph is your weakest. The sudden shift into the specific (‘the music’, ‘the three different speakers around the room’) is confusing. Where are we – the narrator’s house? His and her house? Somewhere else? The last two sentences are particularly unclear. The structuring of your sentence means that ‘they started to chuckle’ seems to refer to ‘the two pairs of feet’ – which, of course, does not make sense. Also, the “him” and “her” figures seem to suddenly move from the bed, to the door, to the window, which is again confusing. There is a fine line between a sense of mystery (which you admirably create in the first paragraphs) and downright bewilderment! And your reader is not invested enough in the story at this point to want to carry on reading to sort out this confusion. Also, annoying factual glitch: the song’s called ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’. You may have purposely mis-titled it (in which case my picking up on it is even more annoying), but, again, a seeming error like that throws the reader, making them lose faith in your fictional construction.
There are some strong descriptions and ideas here. Focus on using concrete, physical language, and try to re-draft with the reader in mind – think about what they NEED to know for the story to be readable, and what you need to WITHOLD for there to be a sense of mystery. Good luck!
Naboo, sorry for this late comment. Your other moderators look like they've done a good job on picking up my slack this week!
ReplyDeletePART 1 - Great insights here. I think what you might be getting at here is the way King uses everyday things (a normal woman on a normal run, thinking about her new watch etc) and then contrast them with the dramatic sensation of finding a body. The thoughts of Em are done very realistically, and the to-ing and fro-ing in her mind is another way of creating a contrast between the norm and the horrific. This contrast makes the horror seem all the more terrible - a nightmare vision, as you have said. Good stuff.
PART 2 - Very interesting and unique set up for a story here. I would be carefull not 'tell' too much back story at the beginning - let it seep through the rest of your writing. I really want to know more about this strange characters, though. I loved the line 'Every step she took she longed for an earthquake' - this really sums up her character. Good writing.