Part 1
I liked 'A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers by Xiaolu Guo' the most because I found it the most interesting piece. I liked the way that the writer would use one word and base a little scenario around that one word. I feel that this technique goes successfully with the storyline and is a very original and creative way to tell a story.
Part 2
End
End it. He said. Whatever the cost, just end it. I want you and only you; we don’t need this right now.
Easy for him to say. It’s only been a couple of days but I kind of got used to the idea. It gave a meaning to my life. Not that I wasn’t happy before but this was a little bonus. My life was complete. I didn't need anything else.
“Look we can’t afford it right now.”
“We’ll get through it. I know we can.”
“With what? Shirt buttons? I’ve had to cut down on them too.”
“ So you expect me to...”
“Look babe. I know it’s hard but we’ll get through this…like we always do...we’re a ...team. A team. It is the right choice. We’ll go tomorrow and end it. Simple”
Simple. Just end it. It. It could be a ...there’s no point thinking even about 'it'.
“I’m not going through with it. I can’t”
“ We might as well get out the cardboard boxes because that’s what will happen.”
“Don’t be silly-“
“Silly. You’re the silly one. How many times-“
“Look we’re a team. We’ll manage-“
“No we won’t. If it’s not gone by the end of the week, there is not team. End it or we’re through.You're on your own.”
End it or we’re through. I don’t think the protesters can call me selfish now. I mean I’m the one that is going through the pain. Physically and emotionally. I just hope that it is just two pills and nothing more. Two pills. The End.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a fantastic piece. You trust the reader. You don’t spell out what’s happening but allow the story to emerge largely through the dialogue – and the dialogue is extremely real. I can absolutely hear the characters. You capture the conflict between them with impressive economy of language. The repetitions in the dialogue work very well, as does having both characters occasionally use the same words (‘look,’ ‘silly’) - a very common persuasion tactic. In dialogue, repetition can work in a different way to how it works (or doesn’t work) in straightforward prose. The repetition of ‘We’re a team’ helps to reinforce the character’s sense of desperation. The pauses and interruptions in the dialogue also feel very organic – exactly how a conversation/argument would progress.
The way in which you mention (and only just mention) ‘the protesters’ is a wonderfully subtle way of showing how certain judgments are so far removed from the character’s inner life and turmoil.
A couple of very small things: I thought you could cut some of the first paragraph, perhaps from ‘It gave meaning to my life.’ Your dialogue is so strong it carries a lot of the piece’s emotional weight. I don’t think you need ‘Physically and emotionally’ – it over-tells and weakens the effect a little. The last line of dialogue should read ‘.... there is no team.’ In the third last sentence you use the word ‘just’ twice. Also a couple of inverted commas are the wrong way around!
But these are easily fixable things. I love the layers in your writing and the gaps between what is said and what is actually happening. The strength of this piece partly lies in what is unsaid.
Excellent work. Well done!
Joanne
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI found the writing in this piece very engaging. Your dialogue is wonderful and felt charged with an internal strain. I like that you give us glimpses of the narrative, and that we're left to piece the overall picture. I agree with Joanne that this is a very confident piece of work, and that you've placed great trust in the reader - well done!
I love the quirky and intuitive nature of some of the dialogue: 'We'll get through this.' And the response is, 'With what? Shirt buttons?'
Great.
To improve this further you might want to think about the visual aspect of the piece: the place the conversation is taking in, the expressions and gestures of your chosen characters. But these are all things that can be built up around the strength of what already exists.
Thanks for posting!
Liz
Hi Shiningstar
ReplyDeleteI really like the opening two sentences. On my first reading I thought the narrator was considering suicide. The piece is a bit short and you might extend this (my) confusion for an entire paragraph. It would link thematically with the abortion topic.
Your dialogue is, as always, spot on. The ellipses are especially effective.
"We're a ... team. A team"
The hesitation indicates his uncertainty and potential unreliability. This makes the following fragment (good use of these throughout) less simple than he may want or believe it to sound.
This split between simple and complex in a complex situation concisely displays the difference between the characters. However, the small details and humour - "shirt buttons" (wonderfully random)" "cardboard boxes" - indicate affection, depth and keeps us from making a snap decision about him
The female character is well-drawn. Her complex interior monologue contrasts with the simple dialogue but effective dialogue. It raises all kinds of issues about what remains unsaid in a relationship.
You've handled a difficult subject without drifting into cliché and simple judgements. Well done.
Hmm. I'm glad I waited to comment, because I actually couldn't discern what this piece was about before pugnax mentioned "the abortion topic." Once that was explained to me, I re-read the piece and it makes perfect sense, but I'm not sure I could have picked up on this without some help.
ReplyDeleteGranted, I need SparkNotes to understand William Faulkner sometimes. So perhaps I'm not the best judge of clarity in a piece.
But I did wonder if there were any other clues you could place in your piece without making it too obvious. I love it when a reader has to figure something out in a story (it makes me feel like a detective!), so please keep the ambiguity. Just know that some readers (ahem - me) wouldn't get this without a little extra info.
I can tell you're putting some serious thought into your pieces, so keep that up. :)
Maria