This extract intrigued me the most because it uses strong emotion to show what the character is feeling, what he is wearing and describing the way he lives. I think the author used some powerful vocabulary to attract the reader e.g. 'See the child. He is pale and thin, he wears a thin and ragged linen shirt. He stokes the scullery fire. Outside lie dark turned fields with rags of snow and darker woods beyond that harbor yet a few last wolves'. In some parts it’s quite simple, but it gets straight to the point. I like the way the author suddenly gets deep into the story and starts using complex sentences and words to create tension. Another thing which occurred to me was that in the sentence: The mother dead these fourteen years did incubate in her own bosom the creature who would carry her off. The father never speaks her name; the child does not know it. He has a sister in this world that he will not see again. He watches, pale and unwashed. He can neither read nor write and in him broods already a taste for mindless violence. All history present in that visage, the child the father of the man.
I personally think that this paragraph hit me the most, with the emotion of sadness, he wrote: The mother dead these fourteen years did incubate in her own bosom the creature who would carry her off. The father never speaks her name; the child does not know it. I thought this part was quite depressing because, the child didn’t even recognise his mother’s name.
THE END..
It was the night I could never forget. Never will. The daunting moment that ripped my family right apart, but in a way brought me closer to realising that you only have one life, and one chance.
It all began, whilst I and my mother were trying out some new clothes that we had bought- as you know girls do adore shopping. Anyway it was then that I suddenly realised, today I was supposed to meet up with my dad but on second thoughts I rather stay with my mum. All afternoon we messed around, until the door bell rung, I thought it was probably my dad going on and on about me going round his place. No. Completely wrong. Right there and then a drunken man armed with a gun pointing at my mother’s head. Luckily before he could shoot I threw a punch right where it hurts, yes bull’s-eye.
The panic began to fill me, my heart thumping. We looked at each other and just gradually started laughing.
The day drew to an end; the picturesque colours of the sky are still appearing as the sun goes down. Tucked in bed I felt rather stout, yet still frightened. Pitch black in the night, the sound of the creaking had alarmed me, sweat was pouring down my pale white face as I had no idea of what I was about to see.
My mum. She had left a note saying that she was held captive and that I should go to my dad’s and forget about her. Who does she think I am? So I set off following the trail of grubby boots.
Finally I had reached the destination. I took a glimpse of the torture she was set to face- not this time.
Grabbing on to the railings I set of to rescue her, little did they know I was right at the back of them.
Unfortunately, the man in front of me was armed also, and I got caught. The tears dripping from my mum’s rosy cheeks made me wonder if we were going to die.
Since I’m the brain box of the family I’d always have a plan B. Carrying a knife with me isn’t that good but hey at least it will help you in this situation. At first I struggled to get untangled but in the end I released myself. The good thing was that the men were busy smoking, drinking to really care. The shock entered my mum when she felt her hands untangling but when she saw my reassuring face she calmed down.
As soon as we tried to escape a bullet was fired to the ground which startled me, and then out of the smoke came the men pointing the gun now directly at me.
Trapped. It was then that I realised that it was the end for me but surprisingly when he fired the bullet I didn’t feel a thing. In front of my watering eyes lay my mum she took the bullet for me, I knew this was.....
I’m really impressed by the vitality of your writing; this piece is so energetic it left me a little breathless! However, your writing could benefit from being, as Mr. S. wrote, more ’deliberate, careful, and meticulous’ – as long as you don’t lose your trademark vigour, that is.
ReplyDeleteThe main problem with this excerpt is exactly the same problem your writing’s had in previous excerpts; you’re trying to pack far too many incidents into a small number of words and, by not giving enough exposition of where and when events are happening, leaving your readership bewildered. For example: you write that ‘the sound of creaking had alarmed’ the narrator, but never actually document when/where/how this sound occurs. You then leap from the narrator in bed to a note left by the mum – where was this note? When did she get time to write it? – to the ‘destination’, which is underexposed (I see abstract ‘railings’ floating in a cloud of mist), to the narrator ‘untangling’ herself (although until this point the reader didn’t know the narrator had been restrained), to ‘smoke’ (where did this come from?), to the mother dying. Phew! There’s no time for the reader to orientate themselves spatially or temporally, or to form any significant attachment to the characters. Next time, think more about the Four W’s and One H: try to establish some details of who the characters are, where they are, why they’re there, when they’re there, and how they got there, in order to place the reader in your fictional world. Remember, the important thing about prose isn’t what the story is, but how you tell it. You don’t need kidnappings, rescue attempts, and guns going off for a story to be exciting, but you DO need it to be told in a way that enthrals the reader.
Maintain a consistent tense. Occasionally you shift from past into present (e.g. ‘the picturesque colours of the sky ARE still appearing’), further disorientating the reader. Also, make sure to avoid typos or careless mistakes: for example, it should be ‘I’D rather’, instead of ‘I rather’, and ‘I set off’, instead of ‘I set of’.
I hope this advice helps! Looking forwards to reading your next piece.
Hi Smart Flame,
ReplyDeleteI also really like how this piece opens and ends. ‘It was the night I could never forget. Never will.’ Strong, pacey first sentences that immediately hook the reader in. The repetition of ‘never’ creates a sense of expectation and builds momentum and tension.
Allowing the reader to finish the story - to add ‘the end’ – is a nice wink, an acknowledgement of the relationship between the writer and the reader.
As the other moderators have pointed out in detail though, the piece would benefit greatly from some re-drafting. You need to take the reader by the hand a little more, earn the reader’s trust. Slow everything down. Take time to create a sense of place and character. Before you write, or as you write, try drawing the scenes in your head. Ask yourself questions about your characters and story. Colour it all in.
You’ve got a great beginning and ending. And your writing is full of energy and imagination. Well done and keep going!
Joanne
I would like to thank all my moderators for giving me such advice to improve my writing and I am sure I will take all of it on board for other tasks too!
ReplyDeleteThank you.