Saturday Morning on Helcrome Street it's 10.45 am, yet strangely enough the sky was filled in enduring blackness I could then feel a sudden quiver underneath my feet this could only mean one thing...
It's been 6 years since the Lone Pine Earthquake hit California, after a few moments of desperation I soon found out that nothing of my family was left except for me, i should have just died along side with my parents it would have been better that way, I wouldn't have to face this world alone knowing no matter how hard I wished they just wouldn't come back, but fate has brought me here It's like starting a new life right from the starting point. I remember I was only ten years old my tender skin turned Ice cold, my tears were beginning to swell up, I remember how they touched to the ground as soon as they were announced dead, I knew from then on it wasn't going to be easy.
Almost immediately I was going to be shipped off to a care home, the only thing that I would take was the poem my parents had written for me :
If you fall we will be there to catch you,
If you are feeling down you'll always have a shoulder to cry on,
But just remember we love you and we always will no matter what.
Suddenly my bad day just turned worse...
Waking up to screams of my name "Josh, Josh! Get down here" was rather a routine now I kept telling myself just a few more years and I would be going my own way, freedom was in my path.
Its a Wednesday just like any other ordinary day for me, instead of heading for school I go seek adventure- though roaming around the neighbourhood isn't exactly and adventure is it?
Skate park. That's what immediately interrupted my mind, I wanted to go to the nearest skate park, so I started walking in a straight direction. This was not as I expected it to be, standing right in the middle with the cool skater dudes mocking me, I couldn't bear it anymore I had to run, runaway from here.
After escaping the borough in which the skate park lied I wished and wished for something that should have happened years ago but didn't, I wished so hard that I thought it was real- but who am I kidding, I would have to fight the desperation of wanting my parents, adulthood is in my reach and I shall not give it away no matter how hurtful it was, this was one my parents wishes.
But the most horrid thing that they would think to be was that I wished for death, death up there with them.
There’s some bold and vivid writing here. The way the piece starts is a good example of this: ‘Saturday morning on Helcrome Street’ is a sharp bit of exposition. The fragmented style you maintain throughout works to mirrors Josh’s confusion and fear.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this fragmentation sometimes gets confusing. One element I’d really like you to work on next time is spelling and grammar. Sometimes I found this piece difficult to read due to your use of punctuation; for example, the second paragraph consists of only two sentences, and the second to last paragraph of only one! Your syntax is fairly convoluted, and so difficult to follow. To make your work more readable, think more about your punctuation. To give an example of how you could redraft:
Saturday Morning on Helcrome Street. It's 10.45 am, yet strangely enough the sky was filled in (‘was’ makes more sense than ‘in’) enduring blackness. I could then feel a sudden quiver underneath my feet; this could only mean one thing...
Try reading your work aloud, taking a pause the appropriate length (of a comma, or semi-colon, or full-stop…) whenever you reach a punctuation mark, and see how it sounds.
Also check for typos and spelling mistakes, such as ‘Its a Wednesday’, ‘isn’t exactly and adventure’, and ‘the skate park lied’.
Another issue that made this piece tricky to read was the way you move very rapidly between different tenses. I counted three different narrative presents in this piece: the present tense of the first paragraph, ‘Almost immediately I was going to be shipped off…’ (this suggests Josh is narrating after the earthquake, but before he goes to the care home), and from ‘Suddenly my bad day just turned worse…’ onwards. This rapid changing of tenses is very confusing!
I think the piece would be more effective if there was just one, clearly defined narrative present (the current day Josh in the care home), who can then relay, through his first-person narrative voice, the events that have lead him to where he is today (the earthquake, the loss of his family).
The main issue in this piece, then, boils down to a problem you’ve encountered before: there is just too much going on. For a piece of only 400-odd words, it’s very, very difficult to effectively cover five years of a character’s life, spanning an earthquake, the loss of his entire family, and being taken into care. It’s just too much! In your next piece, try and stick to one clearly defined time-frame – one narrative present – although this can be interrupted by memories/flashbacks, if you want. I think it will increase the clarity of your work, and leave it feeling less rushed.
You've taken a good, and quite detail, story from this photo. However, you need to slow down and concentrate on making your writing FLOW a little better. Every now and they you use quite awkward phrasing (such as 'touched to the ground' or 'But the most horrid thing that they would think to be was that') which, if read through carefully, you should be able to pick up and correct. Often you seem to miss out full stops, and put capital letters in the middle of sentences - I'm sure you can do better than that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you switch tenses within the very first sentence. Again, I feel this is something you should have caught while you read through your work.
However, you do have some great bits of writing in there too. I loved: 'the sky was filled in enduring blackness I could then feel a sudden quiver underneath my feet' (but again, the structure of this sentence needs a little sorting out).
I thought the way you switched between present and past was well handled. I like your idea, and I think you've given us a good snippet of the story.
Just make sure you carefully re-read your work before posting. Make sure it FLOWS and makes sense. Keep tenses consistent, and don't be afraid of splitting up long sentences into shorter ones.
Hi Smart Flame,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late post... I’m an awful time keeper; I promise I’ll be better in the future.
Congratulations, you’ve created a strongly visual and interesting piece that possibly isn’t the first thing a person would think of when looking at this picture. I particularly like the beginning, although I feel it could be made bolder with the addition of a few full stops. I agree with Sarah, putting a full stop after Helcrome Street adds a certain “punch” to the first line.
I feel you should never underestimate the full stop, and like to use them as often as possible to add impact to sentences. Perhaps here, in a piece so filled with high impact, full stops would be a benefit. Otherwise the reader gets lost in the long sentences.
An aspect I really liked was the sudden switch between the time of the earthquake and then six years on. “It’s been six years. The Lone Pine Earthquake hit California, and after a few moments...” may make a bigger impact as the second paragraph and make the jump in time more noticeable. Especially as you seem to have trouble with which tense you are writing in.
I love how you’ve managed to fit some poetry into the piece, although I’m not sure if the way you’ve written it could technically be called poetry. Maybe try making it more obviously different from the rest of the piece.
There is some very strong imagery in this piece and I especially like the “ice cold” skin and the tears welling up. Just make sure you check the capital letters.
The ending is haunting, although becomes a little muddled. Try making it simpler, it will hit the reader harder and be more in keeping with the rest of the piece.
Can’t wait for more
Kat