
She shoots death stares at me all the way to the police station. She's trying to frighten me, I know, but so far, her attempts have been futile. After a couple of times, the whole 'daunting factor' of getting arrested sort of wore off.
"Sit" she snaps, pointing with one shockingly long fingernail at an unoccupied chair at the far end of the room.
I decide to obey, and sit.
"I'll be back in a minute. Don't move." After shooting me another hostile glance, she scurries off, her obviously-expensive platinum blonde hair bobbing underneath her policewoman helmet.
I slouch in my seat and examine the waiting room. I stare at the silver-haired woman crying, the snivelling little kid, the skeevy-looking girl in the corner whose boots seem to cover more skin than her actual clothes. I gaze at the assortment of papers tacked up on the walls-anti-drug leaflets, nicotine patch advertisements, missing posters.
Missing posters.
His poster is there.
Of course his poster is there.
His poster is everywhere-pinned onto trees, sellotaped onto fences. It's like a sharp thorn in my side that I can't get away from.
Not a day goes by when I don't see that picture. It eyes me when I walk down the road, it watches me from the side of milk cartons.
His face. Her face.
The faces of Cameron ans Riana Springer.
Cameron and Riana.
My best friend. And his daughter.
Everytime I see that picture, my mind drifts back to the day I last saw him.
I see Cameron, dragging along a heavy-looking rucksack with one arm; the other is taken up by Riana. She's asleep, oblivious of the racket around her. She looks so peaceful. She doesn't deserve to be here. She doesn't deserve any of this. She needs to be in the care of a loving family that have no eyes for anyone other than her. Not with a runaway druggie with less than a year to live. She won't last. She'll be gone within two months.
Cam's voice cuts through my thoughts. It's low and urgent. I strain my ears to hear what he's saying.
"Remember, Dave. Don't tell anyone. Please."
The sharp sound of heels on laminate flooring snap me out of my daydream.
It's a woman-a different one this time.
She wears spike-heeled stilettos and a powdery grey suit. He nose is wrinkled and her lips are pursed. She looks as if she'd just been force-fed a lemon. She gives me a steely glance and hands me my wallet and my mobile. No dope, though. Hardly surprising.
"Come" she says in a bitter tone, at the exact same time as my mobile went off. The ring tone seemed sickeningly cheerful against the dry, drab atmosphere of the station.
I look at the lady. She raises her eyebrows.
I look down at the caller ID.
Cameron.
I look at her again. She says nothing; just blinks.
I take this as permission to answer.
"Cam, this really isn't-" I start.
"Dave? Dave?" His voice is anxious, troubled. "Dave, listen. I need your help."
And that's when all hell breaks loose.
Hi everyone,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I know that I wrote a bit too much on this task- the word count is somewhere in the 500s. I'm really sorry for that-I tend to get carried away when I write!
:)
Sorry!!!!
~crazystar~
Hi Crazystar,
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about being a bit over the word limit, I really enjoyed your story. In the first half you've got some really good descriptions, it's very visual and I can really picture the scene and it also adds to the character's personality as well. One of my favourite lines is "the skeevy looking girl whose boots cover more skin than her actual clothes" - great. I also really like the poster "eyeing" Dave, this switch from passive object to proactive subject is really descriptive in a short space, as it shows who is in or out of control. Good stuff!
I'm less taken in by the second half of your story though, it seems to lose it's focus. I'm not saying it's all bad, you keep some great descriptions, "sickeningly cheerful" is great for the ringtone. The new police woman/lawyer to me seems a bit superfluous though and allows the tension which you've racked up to drop which is a shame as it doesn't quite recover, even when Cameron calls, and this should be the most tension filled point of the story I think.
I think that you've thought of an intriguing plot and I would read on and be interested in the characters and their lives, so good job!
Hi crazystar - good story with some excellent descriptions. The first line really caught my attention and plunged me straight into the story which is exactly what a piece like this should do.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Frances about your story losing something in the second half. THe other woman is superfluous and does indeed take away some of the suspense from Cameron calling which should be the most potent part of the story. Look instead on including some more of your excellent descriptions - focusing on how the character feels sat in there.
I was confused by the fact that you italicised the flashbacks. Thast could probably be better formatted.
Other than that an intriguing and encouraging read
I’m here! Sorry I’m late – I’ve been travelling and then I moved house so internet has been limited. At the library now, so time for responding!
ReplyDeleteThis is very good, was it really over five hundred words? I was so wrapped up in your action and description that, for me, the story was over before I knew it. I think you wielded the use of first person here very well to create this effect and as an opening, you left so many unanswered questions (Why has Cameron been arrested so many times? Why has he been arrested this time?) that we are all left wanting more.
In terms of Cameron’s character, I really like how sure of himself you’ve made him appear, even if it may end up to be that way just on the surface. This can really be seen when you look at how different he is to, and also how he interacts with, the first woman (presumably a police officer from the reference before, but referring to her as simply ‘she’ really added to the piece). What I mean is that I really like the way that even thought it may seem that this officer is the one with all the power and control, Cameron still, even if it’s only in his mind, makes the decision that he is going to obey. It’s like the task says – every word you write and every form of punctuation you use is a decision on your part and you’ve managed to embed this idea into your character. You have shown excellent characterisation in that one sentence alone.
I am also very interested in your choice to use a flashback and thus keeping the use of the present tense instead of just having Cameron remember what happened. It seems a bit short in that it doesn’t quite give enough information considering you have used such a dramatic device to show your story, but I suppose that is because of the word limit. I wonder, if you were to continue this, would you make it longer, or is it intentionally that short in attempt to keep the reader on their toes? In terms of actually using the flashback form, however, you have led in and out of it nice and smoothly, which makes all the difference in whether or not something is a good piece of writing!
I see that the others have also found the introduction of another officer type character slightly unnecessary in the second part of your piece. I’m quite intrigued to know where this decision came from. Will she play an important role in the future, should you continue with this, or was she just a random addition that you could use as an opportunity to practise you description skills? You have indeed described her well, but her appearance feels a little awkward so late in the piece. If she were to return, however, I think it would be a different case. I love the very obvious reference to Cameron not getting his dope back as well, it is very character defining.
The reason that I think the extra character feels so awkward is because the following scene is so full of action that it potentially gets a bit too much. Nonetheless – what an ending! That cliff hanger is awesome! Just like your beginning you’ve left so many questions unanswered and the information you do give is in such short and snappy sentences that the reader is left craving more. You’ve done such a good job of showing your reader what is happening in such few words which really fulfils what the task demands.
Overall a very good piece – if you ever to continue with it, I’d love to have a sneaky read! ~ Avani